I Know Who Killed Me

You’ve probably already watched some of this movie while surfing the net. This is the one where Lindsey Lohan shows us that she can slide around a stripper pole at least as good as Elizabeth Berkely in Showgirls. Most of you clearly saw no need in watching any other scenes from this motion picture as it was run out of town in just a few weeks. But in case you were wondering, there is an actual story that slides up and down that pole and it’s a lot stranger than you might imagine. Lohan plays Aubrey Fleming, a high school senior who seems to have everything going for her. She comes from a well-to-do family, is some kind of teen piano champ, and is apparently (contrary to the evidence displayed) a talented writer. She also has a football hunk boyfriend, Jerrod (Brian Geraghty) who sticks around even though she doesn’t put out. One night, following the football game, she mysteriously disappears. She’s apparently been snatched by a local serial killer who proceeds to do some things to her body that will require six-million-dollar bionics to repair. Soon after, Aubrey is found half alive in a ditch on a dark road. This is only the beginning of the mysteries that will have your head spinning because, when she wakes up, Aubrey claims she’s not Aubrey but some stripper named Dakota. She doesn’t recognize her parents (Julia Ormond, Neil McDonough) and says the “F” word a lot. That’s how you know she’s someone else.

Or is she? This is one of those movies where you are supposed to listen carefully when someone reads a poem or story in class. It’s not just meant to show them doing boring stuff at school but point at a second potentially “deeper” meaning in the content. Well, since Aubrey’s stories seem to be all about this wild girl named "Dakota"…

It’s hard to know where to begin talking about this film. Is it bad? Well, it’s certainly not good. The plot is implausible but so was Hitchcock’s Vertigo and that’s a cinema classic. The key problem is that this movie is a tale told by an idiot who cannot figure out which parts need to be shown in order for it to signify something. The idiot in charge of this mess must be director Chris Sivertson since he spends lots of time aiming his lens at Lindsey Lohan’s body but forgets to shoot a scene introducing us to her parents. That’s important since Aubrey (or Dakota) wakes up and doesn’t RECOGNIZE them. Neither do we since it’s the first time they are introduced. All of this has to be more Sivertson’s fault than that of writer Jeffrey Hammond, since the screenplay couldn’t have said much more than, "Dakota dances provocatively." It certainly never said, "Like real strippers, Dakota gets naked," since Lindsey Lohan wears more clothes in this movie then she does clubbing in real life.

Surprisingly, the movie does eventually explain away what, as Dakota might say, the “F”, is going on in the story. This is a real surprise since throughout you get the impression that the whole thing is being made up on the fly like that whole season of Dallas that Pam dreamt. The explanation, involving a psychic twin network and some kind of stigmata, is not very plausible but it’s a welcome attempt by the filmmakers to not have everyone shaking their fists at the screen as the credits roll.

What is undeniable is that the movie may have the makings of a teen camp classic. There is a lot to laugh at if you’re in the right mood, from the fact that the killer appears to be a former member of the Blue Man Group to the intense kitchen cleaning Julia Ormond performs while her daughter moans in ecstasy upstairs giving the football hunk just what he wants. There’s a lot of screen time devoted to Dakota’s new battery operated hand and leg and even some suspense when the battery seems to be running out. A drinking game can be played using the color blue since the movie is obsessed with it. Blue flowers, blue lit rooms, a blue killer, and at some point or other, it seems that everyone puts on a pair of blue gloves.

It should be noted that although her part is of no consequence, the notorious Lonelygirl 15 herself, Jessica Rose, appears in the film as one of Aubrey’s friends. She has some lines but no actual character. She reads them with distinction. Sony pictures Home Entertainment is releasing this movie onto DVD and Blu-Ray with the viewer’s choice to watch it Wide or Fullscreen. Included as extras are an Alternate Opening and an Alternate Ending. The alternate opening is a totally puzzling series of images and the alternate ending seems to negate everything that is explained in the climax. Both are also extremely boring so watch them if you have nothing else to do with your time. Nothing at all.

There is a Blooper Reel which shows how much fun everyone had making this movie. The bloopers are not very fun and reveal nothing about the making of the film. Once again, if you are bored and have nothing to do…

The final extra is the Extended Strip Dance Scene which I am sure Sony hopes will push more sales of this DVD. If the strip dancing that makes up 1/3rd of the movie wasn’t enough for you and you want more shots of Lindsey crawling around on all fours, then this is your lucky day. Lindsey is not very good at it but it may be a welcome extra for her most ardent admirers who now have something they can pause and freeze frame. Enjoy.