Bad Fandom: Crush All Channing Tatum Droolers

By Scott Gwin: 2008-04-18 01:07:11

"A fool and his money are soon parted". It's a very wise saying that couldn't be any truer when it comes my least favorite group of fans. Of course, in their case, it would be more accurate to say "a fool and her money are soon parted" since most of the group's membership is female.

I’ve never heard these people given a title like some fan groups, but I refer to them as the “Channing Tatum Droolers”. Usually teenagers with the ability to talk, text and put on shiny sparkle lip gloss all at the same time, these girls have money to burn (thanks Daddy!) and enjoy nothing better than burning it on a ticket to see Channing Tatum pretend to act.

Well, OK, so they don’t really have any interest in watching him try to act. And it doesn’t really have to be Tatum. They’ll settle for any actor with perfect pecs and a tendency to take his shirt off (actually, the less he can act, the better). You know the kinds of movies I’m talking about: Step Up, Never Back Down, The Covenant. Anything where twenty-something guys play high school teenagers. The Droolers sit in the theater, checking their eye-liner by the glow of their cell phone screen, only peripherally absorbing the paper thin plot. And then, as if guided by a mysterious seventh sense (their sixth sense involves the ability to communicate with each other through incomprehensible text-speak) they all snap their phones shut just in time to watch the afore-mentioned meat rack strip off his shirt and say something stupid.

As drool begins to spill out over heavily glossed lips, their ability to comprehend verbal communication (what little was perhaps there to begin with) disappears. Fortunately for them, the dialogue in these kinds of movies doesn’t really make any sense anyway, so the unblinking vacant stares don’t look too out of place. And suddenly, the scene ends or the guy puts his shirt back on and the theater is again aglow like Chernobyl at midnight as the Droolers furiously clatter their nails over phone buttons with messages like “omg hes soooooo hot n i luv hm 4ever LOLzzz”.

Most of you have no doubt never encountered this experience because you have no reason to waste your money on that kind of cinematic drivel. Unfortunately, the Droolers will see the movies in theaters several times, making sure that their parents’ wasted cash will help the film turn a tidy profit. That, in turn, ensures the green-lighting of additional IQ lowering films to further deteriorate its audience’s mental capacities. It’s a vicious cycle.

I, however, having drawn the short straw too many times, have had to review these kinds of movies and thereby endure the Channing Tatum Droolers as they sit and kill brain cells faster than a frat boy playing beer pong. I’ve seen them in their natural habitat and I have come to despise them and the movies they love.

Worst of all, when they can tear themselves away from their cell phones long enough to check their MySpace pages, they inevitably find their way to movie web sites and forums, leaving nearly illegible comments about their favorite movies. But don’t take my word for it. I’ll give you an honest to goodness actual example from a comment left on my review of Step Up:

“OMG! This moviee wass sooo goodd! i loveddd it soo muchhh!! its my favv moviee everr...Channing Tatumm is the hottest guyy everr im soo obsessed wit himm i luvvv himmm!!! thisss movieee ruleddd it had sucha goodd storyy i luvv it!! lolll channinggg i luvv uu!!”

Poor girl. She’s so clueless that she didn’t even realize that she had switched from her cell phone to a keyboard and thought she still had to hit the keys multiple times to get to the right letter.

I can handle obsessed Star Trek geeks. I can even tolerate the blind rages of Whedon’s Browncoats. But they have nothing on the fear and rage that consumes me when I am confronted with a Channing Tatum Drooler. They are the worst kind of fan out there and, thanks to their symbiotic financial relationships with cell phone companies and the makers of crap teen films, there’s a good chance they’re going to be around to terrorize me for a long time to come.

Cinema Blend writers fight back against out of control fanboys in our ongoing series of editorials, Bad Fandom! For more Bad Fandom click here.

RELATED: channing tatum, bad fandom, editorial, rant

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Kris Says:
April 18th, 2008 at 14:03
Whats sad is that this is so true, in fact, no greater truth has ever been spoken ever in human history. Whats even sadder is my 27 year old girlfriend is ONE OF THEM...

save me...

-Kris

Not Captain Murphy Says:
April 18th, 2008 at 16:56
OMG, ya'll iz idiots. Tatum is always lookin' fine and you wouldn't know a good movie iff u seen one! Step Up 2 Teh skreets was like a best movie ever, at least until that Hell Yeah, Willie movie comes out. Tatum is fine, mmmm, get me suma dat.

Jennifer

pedro Says:
April 19th, 2008 at 07:38
without realizing it, young jennifer just proved the reviewer *right*.

ecco Says:
April 23rd, 2008 at 04:35
Get over it.

Rachel Says:
July 2nd, 2008 at 00:10
Well couldnt you say that about films with gorgeous women, come of it guys who watched Lara croft for the greatness of the plot , yeah right. Whats wrong with having a crush we all do it , we all drool , i think channing is gorgeous myself and yes i find myself drooling as you put it. But i have a brain thank you very much and i dont obsess over him.

Im 29 and far from a bimbo, i liked step up i think it was great for people with a dream, step up 2 was good too i love the music the dancing as it was my dream but i was never encouraged to follow it so i think its got a good plot and yes a hottie in it too!! Channing is now doing really well for himself and good on him.

I think its pure jealously as i m sure you would love women drooling over you. Hes a good actor too and i hope his success grows while you eat your words.

youknowwho Says:
August 27th, 2008 at 19:39
In regards to what Rachel was saying;

I do not think the author is so much bashing the fact that some people go to movies to see nice looking people. I myself am guilty of this, since really the only reason I allow myself to get dragged to any teen-horror flick is the reassurance that I will, in one form or another, see two or more attractive women running around the screen. Is this wrong? No, it's a common ploy used by produces. They are not nearly stupid enough to think that people will come see the film based on the plot, or to hire the main characters based on their acting ability.

What I believe rubs Scott (and everyone else) the wrong way is the overall attitude of the fans themselves. I know I don't go home and hit up every review of the movie I see to rave over how hawt *random actress*'s body was in *random movie*. It's the overall hard headed (or rather, empty headed) ness of those kind of people that have the majority of us rolling our eyes.

As for the citing jealousy as a reason to not like these kinds of people, that really is a pretty lame argument, and a needless attack on people. Since you say so yourself that you do not fall into the group, you are not being bashed, so there's no reason to bash others. And finally, I have been on a rowing team since I was 14 years old. I am now 19, and I would dare say that I am in better shape than 70 to 80% of most of America. And I am very certain that if I had the funding to be able to afford a personal trainer and do nothing but 'prepare for a role' aka. work out for a month or two (because you can bet your butt that they do not spend the majority of that time memorizing the handfull of lines they are given) I could look the same way. Most anyone could. Having someone who is paid to slap food out of your hand and kick your arse out the door for a 5 mile jog every morning can do wonders, not to mention the advent of having millions of people watch and critique a giant image of you take off your shirt can be a brilliant motivator.

So no, I nor anyone else should be jealous of Channing or anyone else similar to him, because the fact is, anyone can look the same, given some time.

Given, if you look like you walked face first into an ugly tree you might have some difficulty's, but that's another rant. :)

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