Good day, horror fans. I trust that most people reading this story were curled up with a fabulous scary movie (or The Walking Dead, more likely) rather than tuning into the Oscars, a ceremony where horror has been almost completely sidelined for the last 87 years. Maybe you’re watching the now-on-Blu-ray anthology V/H/S Viral, which includes the previously unreleased segment "Gorgeous Vortex" from Todd Lincoln, or the madness that is Adam Green’s Digging Up the Marrow, which was released on Friday.
In smaller news, it looks like micro-budget horror factor Blumhouse Productions will be teaming Mortal Instruments director Harold Zwart with screenwriter Robert Ben Garant (Hell Baby) for a family-friendly horror. And the "shot on an iPhone" thriller Hooked Up was picked up by indie distributors Uncork’d, who will release the flick on VOD on April 7.
And now for the best three minutes of your life.
Alien Tampon Trailer is a Thing That Exists
Let’s be clear about something right away: Germany’s Alien Tampon isn’t actually a feature film yet, and this trailer was created as a fucking amazing proof of concept that will hopefully get enough investors involved to get it expanded into a full flick. To be clearer, Alien Tampon NEEDS TO BE A REAL MOVIE! The trailer reportedly took almost two years to create, according to the project’s website, and director Jan Zenker plans on getting into the crowdfunding game as the next step. Germany is awesome. Here’s the poster, which delivers the perfect amount of "ew."
The story behind Alien Tampon isn’t a complicated one. A UFO appears and there’s a huge conflict going on between aliens and the military… but that’s elsewhere. This story focuses on a girl named Carmen, who has a shitty relationship with a group of girls she attends college with, and in all of her emotional turmoil, she doesn’t realize that she not only dropped a tampon into a pile of alien blood, but also that the tampon is glowing green when she inserts it. Enter cops, an oddball scientist, a homeless dude, a nurse and a bunch of other people, most of whom want to take down the now-murderous Carmen. Who gives a shit what this movie is about? Just get it made.
The Thing Meets Frozen for Amazing NSFW Claymation
I know there are millions of parents out there who, like me, have been forced to endure the ice-filled mayhem of Disney’s Frozen, secretly hoping that THIS viewing will be the one where everything changes and it turns into a gore fest. Thankfully, claymation master Lee Hardcastle, who was the contest winner in the first ABCs of Death film, has created the mother of all mash-ups with this "deleted scene" from Frozen that puts the characters into the world of The Thing. All Disney movies should have Kurt Russell’s R.J. MacReady in them, as well as nightmarish visuals like this.
Using dialogue from John Carpenter’s iconic 1982 horror, Hardcastle puts Kristoff and Anna as the characters trying to figure out who may or may not have been taken over by the shape-shifting alien. Things obviously go wrong, and now I’ll never be able to watch that movie (or see my daughter’s princess-infused costumes) without picturing Elsa turning into an extremely ghoulish, eyeless monster. As it should be. Here’s hoping Hardcastle continues making these kinds of massacre-filled movie crossovers. Maybe Birdman meets The Birds next?
Spring Trailer and Poster Make Love Frightening
As I was unable to get a Fear Monger column in last week, I missed the prime opportunity to share the newest trailer for Justin Benson and Aaron Moorhead’s romance-gone-terribly-wrong horror Spring, but a groovy new poster was just released, so it gives me a chance to show the trailer anyway. As you can tell from the many blurbs seen in the trailer and on the poster, Spring has amassed quite a bit of critical acclaim already. It’s definitely one of my most anticipated releases of 2015, as horror love stories are few and far between these days. The poster almost does a better job than the trailer of laying out what audiences can expect, such as tentacles and wings and shit.
The film centers on Evan (Lou Taylor Pucci), an American who is on a European trek trying to change his life direction, when he meets and instantly falls for an Italian woman named Louise (Nadia Hilker), and they strike up a relationship. Of course, Louise is hiding a secret unlike any other, which appears to have something to do with being part-monster, and it threatens to destroy both her and Evan’s lives. With gorgeous locations, a sensible tone and what will hopefully be a bonkers third act, Spring will reach moviegoing masses on March 20, just before spring officially starts. If it’s even half as enjoyable as the directors’ first film, 2012’s surprisingly entertaining Resolution, we’re in for a treat.
Nightlight Trailer Hits Every Found Footage Stereotype
If you hate found footage movies, then I expect the above trailer for Nightlight is the most infuriating thing imaginable. But for everyone else out there who can’t get enough of it, Nightlight will look like a greatest hits reel for the sub-genre. Youngish people out in a patch of woods? Check. Unexplained urban legends that bring about characters’ certain doom? Check. Okay, so maybe not all found footage movies have a vicious dog barking directly into the camera, but it’s close enough. All that said, I kind of can’t wait for it. Judge me as necessary.
The latest film from The Bride Wore Blood directors Scott Beck and Bryan Woods, Nightlight takes place in the Covington forest, where a young man recently killed himself. Five teens head out for a night of creepy ghost stories and flashlight-filled games, but they soon realize they aren’t alone, and that the malicious presence wants to scare the shit out of them before they can leave. It almost looks like a video game adaptation, with all of the flashlights and lampposts playing their part in the horror. Darkness is spooky, yo. But at least they’re in a forest that has actual lampposts. Find Nightlight in limited theaters and on VOD starting March 27th.
Pod Trailer Will Freak You Out In All The Right Ways
The sophomore effort from Ritual director Mickey Keating, Pod looks like a righteous low-budget thriller with a simple but solid hook. Estranged siblings Lyla (Lauren Ashley Carter) and Ed (Dean Cates) meet up when their brother Martin (Brian Morvant) sends them a strange message. You see, Martin is a war vet, and he apparently has problems that are too strange to handle in a normal fashion. So Ed and Lyla go out to visit Martin to a remote cabin for an intervention of sorts. As you can imagine, things get pretty wild.
Thankfully, the trailer doesn’t get too far into whatever the hell is happening in that cabin, but it seems like Martin got mixed up with some weird shit, possibly involving a conspiracy of some kind. It involves a lot of scarred skin, hair and blood in a sink, maniacal laughter and Martin going completely nuts. Here’s hoping a knife and a shotgun is enough to keep these guys safe from…whatever. Pod will make its debut as a SXSW Midnighter in March. If they’re holding the screening in a basement with over three locks on it, maybe find something else to do that night.
