Digital Confessional: 10 DVDs Mack Regrets Purchasing

Some people can just admit when they’re wrong. Just like that. Poof. Oh, I must have been mistaken. They say it and move on with their lives like it’s no big deal. A psychologist would probably tell you it’s because they’re emotionally advanced and have fully realized owning up to a mistake is not the same as emasculating yourself. But that’s a bunch of shit. Anyone who isn’t at least miffed or perturbed at acknowledging their own lapses in judgment is weak-willed, frivolous and prone to talking way too much. I’m not sure I’d want to associate with someone who wasn’t agitated to find they previously believed in misinformation enough to espouse it. But these people do exist. And I am not numbered among them. I will fight anyone who posts in the comment section to correct my grammar (even though I’m well aware it sucks). I will tear down and defensively slander my own editors for insinuating my word choice or general direction of a piece was off (even though they’re paid to do as much). And I will rain a torrent of hate speech unseen since the carnival left town upon the dumb son of a bitch who chastises my movie collection (because it is perfect in every way). Now that we’re on the same page and you’re fully aware I will draw and quarter you for even giving your computer a condescending look, it’s only fair I admit my judgment has occasionally been off when purchasing movies.

I can say that because it’s my DVD collection, just like it’s not gay because it’s your dog.

I don’t regret owning Con Air because Steve Buscemi sings “He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands.” Buying Slap Shot II: Breaking The Ice is totally reasonable because I already own the first one and not buying its straight-to-dvd sequel would be ludicrous. Anyone who has actually sat down and watched Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion will tell you it’s slyly clever and contains possibly the greatest choreographed interpretive dance joke ever. Those backyard wrestling DVDs were on sale for five dollars a piece and hill jacks plus barbed wire equals crazy delicious for fifteen minute stretches once every six months. Meg Ryan got naked for In The Cut. Detroit Rock City has its moments. Kathleen Turner totally drops a c-bomb in Serial Mom. I could go on but it would just be a near endless series of skeptical defenses. All the films on my shelf deserve their inclusion. I’ve paid varying amounts of money for the rights to watch them whenever I so desire and I intend to keep on keeping on having those rights until I’m blue in the face. But there’s ten I’d take refunds on. There’s ten films I’m just goddamn sick of defending. Some of them were the last choice In package deals at Hollywood Video, others were purchased without impulse or second guess. Each one of them represents a fuck up I will now admit to.

I can say that because it’s my DVD collection, just like you can punch a hole in the wall because it’s your house.

10) Mortal Kombat: I should have known this film was a bad call considering it was in a large sale bin next to the checkout at the grocery store. Yes, to the right of the gum and candy bars. I hadn’t seen it since grade school but had vague memories of Raiden being pretty damn fierce. Seven dollars and ninety-nine cents this shitty adaptation siphoned off my nostalgia. Good thing there wasn’t a combo pack with Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. In retrospect, I should have spent the eight dollars on smoked sausage, the only food other than bacon which might always be the correct choice.

If I Had To Defend It: I’d say it was worth the money because Pete Sampras’ wife is hot. She was on Saved By The Bell for awhile, an obscure fact I could probably bring up while watching this film with my friends. Paul W.S. Anderson directed the movie; so, a watch might inspire some thought-provoking conversation on video game adaptations and the decline of depth in modern cinema. Princess Kitana is also kinda sexy in a Lara Croft sorta way.

9) Mr. Deeds: Outside of Little Nicky, which I have not for a second ever considered purchasing, Mr. Deeds is far and away the worst Adam Sandler film ever made, unless you count his two second cameo in Deuce Bigelow: European Gigalo. I bought it used at a local movie store since I already owned Happy Gilmore, Billy Madison, The Wedding Singer and Big Daddy, but I quickly realized mistakes were made when I couldn’t even get on board with Jon Turturro, an underutilized actor I normally love. I mean--for the love of God---there’s a recurring joke about soaping an ass, just lathering dude ass up while people watch. I’m going to go strangle some mother fuckers with a red-hooded sweatshirt.

If I Had To Defend It: I’d say John McEnroe’s cameo makes up for the sophomoric malaise. Outside of Kareem in Airplane! and Lance Armstrong in Dodgeball, it holds its own against all athlete bit role challengers. I also vaguely remember a To Kill A Mocking Bird joke and a few humorous, endearing greeting cards. I think a fat woman also gets kicked in the vagina, which still somewhat appeals to me on six year old level.

8) Soul Plane: Yeah, I own it. Politically incorrect black people humor is worth looking into, but not to own. For God’s sake, not to own. I smoked a massive joint in the parking lot with a few of my stoner friends and chuckled several times in the theater, but after a purchase and rewatch, this nonsense has collected dust for about three years. A man gets his ass stuck in a toilet seat and gets enough money in restitution to start his own airline. That’s the plot. Who was working the red light when this brilliant idea got the go-ahead?

If I Had To Defend It: I’d point out this movie willingly crosses numerous lines, a refreshing bonus in a world strangled by P.C. bullshit. Underrated comedian Godfrey makes an appearance with a spot-on African accent, and Method Man is good fun clowning on himself by opening a strip club and mooching on those around him.

7) 21 Grams: Yeah, I know this film was nominated for Academy Awards. I know people in the know who know people even more in the know talk about how beautiful this picture is, but it was an idiotic purchase from the beginning. Why would I ever want to watch this mellowdrama again? It’s good--not great, which is quite possibly the worst thing a movie can be. If I want to get all sad and reflexive, I’ll watch Requiem For A Dream or American History X or one of the thousand other movies which critics reviewed using phrases like “examination of the human condition”. At least Soul Plane is fun to get high to.

If I Had To Defend It: I’d start talking in an elitist voice and tell anyone who would listen why dislike for this movie stems from the inattentive nature and unwillingness to look closer at film of twenty-first century audiences the world over. I’d probably wear a button down thrift store vest in this scenario and be smoking from an old-fashioned pipe. How classy of me.

6) Shallow Hal: Easily the worst thing both Jack Black and The Farrelly Brothers did either separately or together, Shallow Hal is an endless series of unfunny pestilence. We get it. She’s a fat chick and he hates fat chicks. It’s also an essay on double standards because he’s a little pudgy but doesn’t feel society’s scorn because he has a penis. Hooray for the sounds of cricket chirping. I don’t remember the exact reasons, but I suspect this film was purchased under the assumption the Farrelly Brothers couldn’t possibly make a film which didn’t include at least three or four laugh out loud moments. They did. And I bought it.

If I Had To Defend It: I’d bring up Jason Alexander telling Jack Black to weasel out of a date by telling the chick he was suffering from swamp ass. This may very well be the funniest throwaway line in any Farrelly Brothers movie. Kyle Gass from Tenacious D also has a nice little role in this film, and for some reason, I seem to remember at least one or two scenes where characters are eating cake. So, that’s a substitute for the Food Network right there. Suck it, Anthony Bourdain. Actually, not really. No Reservations is a great time.

5) Music & Lyrics: The only movie on this list I flat out knew was an epic fail of a purchase before, during and after I made it, Music & Lyrics entered my life and credit card statement because I told a lady friend we could watch a Romantic Comedy she’d never seen before. I assumed it would be 27 Dresses, but it wasn’t out on DVD yet and well, things got a little hectic in there and she’d seen like every movie Circuit City had to offer, so I found this one and she was like okay, I guess that’ll work and I told her I thought it would be terrible and then I bought it anyway and it was terrible. I don’t know what the moral of the story is here, but I didn’t get laid and now the thought of Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore’s bad chemistry ruins my day every time I see the box.

If I Had To Defend It: I’d say like you haven’t done more embarrassing foolishness for a chick you liked, you hypocrite. Buying Music & Lyrics is hardly the same as selling my soul and working for Ernst & Young. Plus, the movie---really not that bad. There’s a lot of 80s throwback jokes and Hugh Grant, like Matthew McConaughey, is at least somewhat pleasing most of the time.

4) Going Greek: Cliched, stupid and inappropriate as a last resort, Going Greek is a miserable waste of time and could have been secretly made with National Lampoon funding. Think Dorm Daze II phase, not Animal House. I bought it during that phase most high school guys go through when they equate watching absolute depravity with growing up. I’m all for tits and calling everything gay, but even Caligula had more of a plot than guy joins frat so his cousin can.

If I Had To Defend It: I’d cover up the atrocious tagline “Sometimes The Best Memories Can Be Hard To Remember!” and put it on in the background. Raunchy, gross-out comedies are never a complete wash because you can drink, fold your laundry and talk on the phone will still keeping the general narrative arc in focus. I’m pretty sure there’s a joke somewhere about a guy masturbating to his own awesomeness and nudity is prevalent.

3) Not Another Teen Movie: I bought this steaming pile of shit from Target while I was still in high school, and now I have to tell people I supported the trend of dreadful spoof movies. They’re continually making abortions like The Comebacks because I voted with my money and told the studio I wanted to see more miserable satire. That’s something I have to live with. There’s no redemption, no going back. I’m the dumbass who actually bought Not Another Teen Movie. One step below necrophilia.

If I Had To Defend It: I’d let you know Not Another Teen Movie actually got decent reviews when it came out. It has boobs, swearing and enough moderately amusing things to keep viewers smiling for several stretches. I suspect it just retrospectively gets a bad rap because it’s closer to the Epic Movie’s of the world than the Naked Gun‘s or Scary Movie I’s. Plus, a lot of those formulaic teenage slutty She’s All That sister films needed a big middle finger.

2) The Italian Job: I wish I could just throw this movie away because it’s so damn okay. It’s easily the most entertaining movie on this list, but the problem is, the odorous nature of this quagmire is The Italian Job is so goddamn average every time I have over a large group of people, we always end up watching it. It’s like Bounty paper towels or cheese pizza or the missionary position. We’re all on board because we could do a hell of a lot worse. But that doesn’t change the fact I’m sick of this film. It does nothing for me. It just exists, saying not the wrong things, making not the wrong jokes, having not bad special effects. Hooray for the subtle guffaws of big-budget meh-fests.

If I Had To Defend It: I’d point out I just admitted in the previous paragraph it’s an average film, which by nature should exclude it from career-ruining lists like this one. Seth Green is particularly hilarious as the computer dude who claims to have invented Napster and Jason Statham is all Jason Stathamy. That has to account for something. Most people seem to also like both thievery and car chases, plot devices The Italian Job is not short on.

1) Room 6: I swear to God I’ve never even watched this movie. I’ve owned it for like three years, and it is still encased in plastic. For no more than forty-five seconds one cold, somber day in December, I was in just the right mood to decide it was worth seven dollars. By the time I got to my house, the interest had already waned. How terrible does a movie’s box have to be for me not to get on board with watching an R-Rated horror movie with Ben Stiller’s stunningly sexy wife and Jerry O’Connell? Pretty terrible.

If I Had To Defend It: I’d make sure and mention no one I know has ever seen the film. It might not even be real. There could very well be no DVD case inside, just a big middle finger and a note describing what some guy was planning to do with my seven dollars. Assuming something sucks is a lot different than actually verifying its level of suck, something I have no intention of ever doing.