Armageddon [Blu-Ray]

Armageddon is one of those movies that you occasionally and inexplicably just crave. The movie itself isn't really all that good, but for some reason, about once every year or so you catch 20 seconds of it while you're channel surfing past Spike TV around July and your body won't rest until you feast your eyes on two and a half hours of 'splosions, bad romance, and an ensemble cast of jokers. There's not a whole lot of cinematic value, but it's a pretty good time even when you're retching through the rough parts. Revisiting Armageddon 12 years after its release proves one thing: Michael Bay has been making the same movie over and over again since 1998. He even recycles some scenes from this space-cowboy adventure in his Transformers series, as giant balls of fire rain from the sky destroying all in their paths in both of his films. The man has certainly found his niche, and as janky as the vast majority of Armageddon is, there's something lovable about it that most of his movies lack: characters.

The ensemble cast led by Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck is really why this movie works. The story, which you should all know by now, is hollow and farfetched and isn't enough to make Armageddon watchable based strictly on premise. Deep Impact proved that for us barely a year later. Willis' banter with the laundry list of supporting actors is full of entertaining wit and is almost the only legitimate reason this movie should wind up in your Blu-Ray device. There are other high action movies that 'splode just as well as Armageddon, better even, but not many of them have the type of dialogue that holds up 12 years later and still manage to entertain regardless of how many times you've seen them.

The film is perfect to watch during social situations, mainly because it has built in food and bathroom breaks. Every time you see Liv Tyler and Ben Affleck on screen together, that is your cue to go relieve yourself, or throw a couple of Hot Pockets in the microwave. If you don't leave, you're at risk of hurling said Hot Pockets onto your coffee table in sheer disgust at just how unfathomably cheesy the scenes are. Who can forget Affleck and his animal cracker roaming the "mountainous" breasts (read: unimpressive) of Tyler before he is launched into the great beyond to save the world. Adding a human element to a film is fully acceptable when it fits, but here it feels as forced as it did the first time you saw it.

Armageddon is Armageddon. You've seen it a dozen times at least, and it never loses its appeal. The dialogue cancels out the cheesy stuff, and it's all veiled by a thick, distracting layer of fire and asteroids. This is Michael Bay at his most Michael Bayiest, and it's still boatloads of fun years later. Armageddon is not an amazing film, but if you're looking for action for action's sake, you could do worse. This will probably be the shortest Blu-Ray write-ups in the history of CinemaBlend, simply because there is next to nothing when it comes to features attached to this bad boy. And the one special feature you do get will only appeal to those who are stuck in 1998, driving their Camaros through downtown blasting Aerosmith.

Aside from two trailers (which should never be listed as "Features") the only item you're graced with in the extras section is a music video for the most overplayed song of my freshman year of high school, "Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" by Aerosmith. Not to discredit the song, it's a quality track, and if hearing it doesn't send you into Vietnam-style flashbacks of your early years, there is something wrong with you, my friend. But this is a Blu-Ray. A Blu-Ray for a high-budget, high-grossing flick that will surely find its way to a few million shelves, and there's not even a commentary. No interviews. No behind-the-scenes. No retrospective. Nothing but a music video and a couple of trailers for the movie you're already watching. If you're going to buy this movie, it's simply for nostalgia's sake, but it's selling for almost as much as a new release. You will walk out of the store with buyer's remorse for shit sure.

This disk is a gyp. It's such a gyp that if you buy it, your mom will feel gypped. If you love this movie, and let's be honest everybody does, buy this on Blu-ray because it looks pretty good. Just don't venture into the special-features menu unless you want to be reminded just how much money you spent on the barest-bones disk that's ever been dropped.