Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie

If you aren’t as huge a fan of Tim and Eric as I am, then you might actually like this film. But who besides a hardcore T&E lover would even want to watch this film anyway? Does anybody else even know who Tim and Eric are? I feel like I’m the only one. Before any Tim and Eric fanboys or girls out there rip me apart in the comments section telling me that I don’t know anything about Tim and Eric, all I gotta say is, chill. I totally do. I own every single episode of both Tom Goes to the Mayor and Tim and Eric Awesome Show Great Job! I’ve seen pretty much all of their webisodes. I watch the Chrimbus special on an annual basis, and I even have a poster of Spaghett hanging on my wall. So yeah, I’m a colossal fan.

So you know that it pains me to tell you that Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie is a steaming pile of shit. Not even an appearance by the “great” comic talent of James Quall could save this train wreck of a film. By the time he ultimately makes an appearance, the damage has already been done. This movie just isn’t funny. It’s the biggest disappointment I’ve ever had watching a movie. And that’s no exaggeration. I anticipated this film more than The Avengers. I expected it to be a masterpiece. Instead, all I got was shrim.

The main problem is that it doesn’t cater to the fans, who are its main audience. Characters like Dr. Steve Brule from Tim and Eric’s Awesome Show Great Job! played by John C. Reilly aren’t in the film. Instead, we get John C. Reilly playing a character named Taquito, who’s extremely sick but terribly unfunny. He feels like a wasted opportunity. Instead of Zach Galifianakis’ character from the show, Tairy Greene, we get Jim Joe Kelly. Tairy Greene is one of the best characters from Awesome Show. How could they possibly leave him out? That’s criminal! And while you might be saying, “Well, this is a movie and they were trying to do something different, moron,” I understand that. But if they really wanted to do something different, then why not use different actors entirely? All I kept wishing for was for Zach Galifiankis to do a costume change into “Little Dancing Man.” I just wanted something familiar, dammit! Is that too much to ask?

Another huge reason why this movie sucks is the plot, which just doesn’t work. I know they couldn’t just make an hour-and-a-half version of their nonsensical show (which I actually kind of wanted), but there are too many gaps in the laughs here to call it anything but unbearable. I probably only guffawed twice in the whole picture, and those were pity laughs. After receiving a billion dollars from an evil corporation called Schlaaang (aaang as in slang, not shlong), Tim and Eric blow all the money on production costs and wind up making only a ten-minute film, so the exec wants them dead. For the rest of the film, Tim and Eric are on the run and somehow wind up renovating a shitty mall. And that’s the entire movie. It sounds funny on paper, but it’s not. A plot for a comedy is only as good as its jokes, and the jokes in this film are paper thin. Even the weirdness, which is a Tim and Eric staple, feels forced. “Shrim” just isn’t funny. I’m sorry, but it’s not.

So yeah, if you’re a hardcore fan, you might just hate this movie like I did. But if you’re new to Tim and Eric, this off-kilter comedy might just do you right. And if it does, I envy you. I so wanted to love this film. As funny as Tim and Eric are on their shows, their commentary on the first season proved they’re not as funny off-the-cuff as you would think they are. And that’s for only about eight minutes an episode. Just think how bad it is to sit through their boring-ass commentary for 94 minutes. It’s torture! That’s one special feature to skip. Next up are the “deleted scenes,” which were deleted for a reason, but they’re no worse than what’s already in the film. It’s just more garbage tacked on. The “extended scenes” also go on and on, and don’t add anything else. They’re worthless.

“Good Evening S’Wallow Valley” features the stars of the film saying nothing of interest. “Interview With Tim & Eric” is too long for its own good, even with Eric Wareheim’s open-mouthed, dead-eyed stare that I love so much. “HDNET: A Look at Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie” features scenes from the “Interview With Tim & Eric” feature. I mean, what the hell? Why’d they do that? Why’d they practically make the same feature twice? “The Shrim Dance Screensaver” is the damn song on repeat, and then there are some posters and photos, which are hardly a feature at all. Just about the only funny thing about the whole disc are the promo videos, which actually feel like the show. Why couldn’t that have been the movie? God, I’m so aggravated! Even if you’re a fan, this disc is trash.