Dear Resident Evil 5 Demo: You Suck

I’d like to take a moment and talk directly to the Resident Evil 5 demo – in this case the 360 version, if that matters – and just let you know how I feel about you. There was a time when I remember playing your lower res sibling on the Gamecube. Twice through. I enjoyed the hell out that fellow. He was a riotous romp with callbacks to the rest of the series, but also with new twists. Oh sure I had my ludicrous moments of shooting a man-child in the face while he was riding the “Large Nondescript Monster,” but all in all it was a fun time.

You, Resident Evil 5 demo are an abhorrent piece of garbage. I’m sorry, I take that back. It’s late, we just had a falling out and emotions are running high. The high res – but all too shiny – graphics along with Chris’ tree trunks for arms just showcase how bad the control scheme is for RE in the modern gaming world. The so called “tank” mechanic has been improved with a better camera, and I thoroughly enjoy quick mapping items to the D-pad for ease of use. But then you immediately break that advancement in design by having me equip a knife and then moving the camera to an angle where it is impossible to see anything.

And let’s not mention the uselessness of a knife when your character acts as a turret in the world. My god. Slash. Slash. Slash. Slash. Wait a second. Slash. Slash. Finally, a hit! A hit that does nothing. If Capcom is so adamant as to keep your tank controls to create a faux suspense level then the least they could do is give you a knock back feature, a la Left 4 Dead. As it stands now you make me stand, shoot, turn around, run, turn back around, shoot, turn around, run, turn back around, ad nauseum.

This would be acceptable if hordes of zombie like villagers weren’t attacking me. Then again that is somewhat alleviated by the fact these “zombies” stand around next to you taking in the sights for 10 seconds before swinging a shovel at your forehead. Things are made even worse when you throw at me the most terrifying of the normal zombies from your handsomer and more capable brother, the chainsaw dude. Three headshots with a hunting rifle do nothing but piss him off, and by that point he’s breathing down my neck. “Chainsaw dudes aren’t breathing down your neck.” Sorry, got on a Muppets callback tangent for a moment.

So I spend my time trying to run and turn to shoot the chainsaw guy to no avail. Moment after moment you showcase just how antiquated the RE control system is. And that sucks because Resident Evil 5 demo, you have a lot of atmosphere and potential. But I’m saddened to say that you haven’t enticed me to play your fully formed version after gestation is complete.

With the improved shooting mechanics – and yes, they are much improved over what was in Resident Evil 4, I admit – you’ve just proven how artificially frustrating you can be. The aforementioned “tank” control mechanic has been replaced by something that just may be worse. Or at the least is one step forward and one step back. Now you have this great, and familiar, dual stick system that lets me actually get the headshots I’m looking for. Bravo. But then you do the, also aforementioned, turret thing by making me plant my muscle bound self to one spot and try to pick off enemies before they get too close.

In short, you are a freaking jerk who has ruined the first of my most anticipated games of 2009.