Your Friend, Game Developer X

About a decade ago, Adventure Gamers wrote a humor piece called "We Already Hate Your Game." The article consists of a series of fictional letters from a fan to a gaming company. It's a funny take on how we as gamers can sometimes hold developers to unreasonable standards.

Because I'm bored (it's not like there's some sort of global gaming convention going on right now), I decided to craft a response article that shows the flipside of the developer-gamer relationship. Enjoy. Or, you know, don't.

(Hat tip to NeoGAF to digging up the Adventure Gamers article)

January 1st, 2013

Dear Galactic Masters Fan,

We're happy to announce that we've acquired the rights to Galactic Masters of Galaxy Conquest, the classic PC strategy series. We're planning to create a reboot that stays true to franchise's roots while also adding new features. Stay tuned for more details. In the meantime, here's a 60-second trailer with a logo. Spoiler alert: it's the logo of the game!

Your Friend,

Game Developer X

February 15th, 2013

Dear Courteous Fan,

After much deliberation, we've decided that we don't want a traditional publisher for Galactic Masters of Galaxy Conquest. They're always all, "Blah blah this needs to make money blah blah!" They don't actually say "blah" but you know what we mean.

Anyway, we would much rather go into business with you! Follow the link below to our Kickstarter campaign page. It outlines our vision for the game and also includes our first concept art. We had to take the picture with Harold's flip phone but you'll get the gyst of it. If you donate more than $15, you'll get a keychain that says Galactic Masters of Galaxy Conquest 2K13 (working title). You can use it to connect your keys!* With your help, we can make the GMGC remake that you want and deserve.

* If anyone expresses admiration for your keychain, please point them toward the Kickstarter page. That $500,000 isn't going to raise itself!

Your Friend,

Game Developer X

February 28th, 2013

Dear Generous Fan,

We just hit our $500,000 goal this morning, with two weeks to go in our campaign. Why stop there, though? We've got a number of stretch goals planned, including:

$750,000 - More things!

$1 million - Polish!

$1.5 million - Soundtrack by Jarvis Clutcher, the composer of the original Galactic Masters of Galaxy Conquest.

To celebrate today's milestone, we've released a montage of concept art!

Your Friend,

Game Developer X

March 17th, 2013

Dear Beloved Fan,

Wow! We asked for your help and you delivered! Our Kickstarter campaign just closed with over $1.4 million in donations. You've proved to the world that the strategy genre is still alive and well. All it needed was a little $1.4 million push. We would've loved it if you raised enough for us to hire old Jarvis, but don't worry about it. He's a 30-year veteran of the industry so I'm sure he's used to being disappointed by gamers. Be on the lookout for the first gameplay trailer!

Your Friend,

Game Developer X

PS - Your keychains will ship next week!

July 31st, 2013

Dear Loyal Fan,

We just wanted to drop you a line to clear the air. We understand that some of you have expressed concern about the gameplay trailer you saw this week.

"Durr, it looks like a first-person shooter instead of a strategy game!" you said on the forums*, while pieces of whatever you people eat fell out of your mouth and all over your keyboard.

We'll be the first to admit that we've made some changes to Galactic Masters of Galaxy Conquest to make it suitable for modern audiences. But to suggest that there's no strategy involved in this game is ludicrous. It's dripping with strategic choices. For example, you can shoot your gun or not shoot your gun. Option one kills enemies, while option two saves bullets. Risks and rewards, pay-offs and costs - are these not the building block of the house we call "strategy"?

Another strategic option: turn off the game. This lets you save up your mental energy, which judging from these forum posts is in short supply.

"But that's not what the original Galactic Masters of Galaxy Conquest was like!" you say, probably with an adorable stammer.

That's true. Our reboot isn't the same as the older games. If you liked the original series, maybe you should've bought 5 million more copies of GMGC 5 and saved Game Developer A from bankruptcy. They still haven't gotten over that, by the way. Most of them probably have even worse jobs than you do now.

The point is, action and strategy aren't diametric opposites. They complement each other beautifully, like peanut butter and chocolate ice cream. Or peanut butter and chocolate with whipped cream. Maybe some hot syrup, too. Now, if you'll excuse me, we need to ice cream the new beta build so we can ice cream now open it up to the $100+ Kickstarter backers.

* By the way, who set up that forum that you're using to complain? That's right, us. Interesting way to show your gratitude.

Your Friend,

Game Developer X

August 5th, 2013

Dear Devoted Fan,

Galactic Masters of Galaxy Conquest: The Reawakening is now available for pre-order! Anyone who reserves the game through participating retailers will get free access to Galactic Masters of Galaxy Conquest: The Reawakening - Revelations, the first expansion pack.

Galactic Masters of Galaxy Conquest: The Reawakening - Revelations is a prequel to the events of the main campaign. Players will carve a bloody path through the Omega Post, the Grabnots' secret space station. The new level features several new enemies, including the shotgun-wielding Grabnot and groups of shotgun-wielding Grabnots.

If you don't pre-order, Revelations will cost $15 to download. Note that Kickstarter backers will not get the expansion pack for free. We talked it over and decided that we need to make sure you backers don't get big heads. Sure, you coughed up money so we could make this game but so what? You want a medal? Sorry, we're fresh out - gave them all to the $1,000 backers.

Your Friend,

Game Developer X

August 25th, 2013

Dear Most Honored Fan,

We've had to make a change of plans with our expansion pack. Actually, no - with our entire game. We talked things over and we've decided that it doesn't make sense to release Revelations as a separate DLC pack. It's confusing to release two unequally sized products at once. When you cut your sandwich of hot sauce and Doritos, you don't make one half smaller than the other: you cut two equal halves. Or don't cut it at all. I bet you just shove that whole thing down your trap at once like a crocodile, don't you?

It also doesn't make sense to include Revelations with the rest of the game for free. After all, we're a private business, not a free shotgun-wielding Grabnots factory. We've got sandwiches of our own to buy.

So, with sandwiches in mind, we've decided to split Galactic Masters of Galaxy Conquest: The Reawakening into two equal parts. Galactic Masters of Galaxy Conquest: The Reawakening - The Bloodening will be released on September 15th and contain all of the content from the Sigma Sector. In December, we'll then release the beta version of the second part, Galactic Masters of Galaxy Conquest: The Reawakening - Revelations Complete Edition, through Steam Early Access for Kickstarter backers and anyone else who pre-orders. If you pre-order the Superior Edition of Revelations for $10, you'll also get access to the diamond skin for the Tri-Loader Mag Shotgun. We think you'll agree this is a much simpler solution for us and you.

We can't wait for you to get your hands on Galactic Masters of Galaxy Conquest: The Reawakening. We think you'll agree that it's a perfect fusion of new and old. Thank you for making this happen!

Your Friend,

Game Developer X

P.S. - Sorry about the mix-up with the keychains. We relied on a third-party vendor to provide this generous gift to you and unfortunately they screwed the pooch. In order to get your free replacement, please send us a photo of your "Central Ohio Electricians Union" keychain over Twitter with the hashtags #oops and #stillgoingtobuyGMGC and email your class action lawsuit waiver.