Just about every single hilarious line of dialogue from The Blues Brothers is as much of a classic as the beloved ‘80s movie itself. One of the best movies about music, director John Landis’ 1980 comedy starring John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd as their soul-singing alter egos, Jake and Elwood Blues, is still wonderfully entertaining even when no music is present, thanks to the bizarre script that makes it arguably the best movie based on Saturday Night Live characters to this day.
Now, I find myself on a mission from God to pick out the 25 funniest Blues Brothers quotes and rank them from “real cute” to “powerful enough to turn goat piss into gasoline.” The challenge would result in the following list. Hit it.
25. "I Hate Illinois Nazis"
Throughout the film, Jake and Elwood make enemies with quite a few people, including the local chapter of the Aryan Union (led by Henry Gibson) who set out to kill them. The pursuit begins after Jake proclaims his distaste for the bigoted organization, leading the brothers to drive right through their rally, forcing them to jump off a bridge into the river underneath.
24. “Fix The Cigarette Lighter”
After hearing Elwood describe all the reasons why the new Bluesmobile, a former police car, is one of the coolest cars in movie history, Jake points out its one flaw: the cigarette lighter needs fixing. Of course, that would not be the case if Jake had not thrown the device out the window after lighting his cigarette moments earlier.
23. “Use Of Unnecessary Violence In The Apprehension Of The Blues Brothers HAS Been Approved”
Even with all of the trouble that Jake and Elwood get themselves into, it is insane to see just how many law enforcement officials end up chasing them in the final climax. By then, a police dispatcher announces via radio that getting violent to an “unnecessary” degree in order to catch them is encouraged.
22. "Your Women. I Want To Buy Your Women. The Little Girl, Your Daughters... Sell Them To Me. Sell Me Your Children!"
Jake and Elwood sometimes have to cause trouble in order to entice some of their bandmates to come back, especially trumpeter Alan “Mr. Fabulous” Rubin who is a maître d’ at the luxurious French restaurant, Chez Paul. After a very bothersome display, the final straw comes when Jake bothers a man sitting nearby with offers to purchase his wife and young daughters – something I would sue the establishment over if it happened to me.
21. "...It Wasn't My Fault, I Swear To God!"
When Jake and Elwood come face to face with the vengeful woman Jake left at the altar (played by Carrie Fisher in one of her best non-Star Wars movie roles), he comes up with an elaborate list of excuses before desperately pleading his innocence. His alibis for missing the wedding include the likes of a flat tire and a stolen car before he gets biblical and names an “earthquake, a terrible flood, locusts.”
20. "So, Jake, You're Out, You're Free, You're Rehabilitated. What's Next?... You Got The Money You Owe Us, Motherfucker?"
When Jake and Elwood begin their crusade to put the band back together and, eventually, put on a show to save the orphanage where they grew up, we discover that they are not exactly on the best terms with their former bandmates. We figure this out through this condescending greeting by drummer Willie “Too Big” Hall (starring as himself, along with the rest of the Blues Brothers Band), who reveals Jake has been indebted to them since before he entered the joint.
19. "You Know, I Kind Of Like The Wrigley Field Bit"
The Blues Brothers is also one of the best John Candy movies, in which the late, beloved comedian plays Det. Burton Mercer, who helps track the brothers down. He steals scene after scene with some brilliant quotes, such as this one when he shows some admiration for Elwood’s “real cute” idea to fake his address as 1060 W. Addison Street, which is where the Chicago Cubs play.
18. "I've Always Loved You"
Near the end of the film, two of the Illinois Nazis become so distracted by their pursuit that they drive off an unfinished bridge. As their car falls from an absurdly high altitude, Gruppenfuehrer (Eugene J. Anthony) sees this as a perfect opportunity to confess his true feelings for his leader.
17. "Did You Get Me My Cheez Whiz, Boy?"
The Blues Brothers is one of the few movies that masterfully turns random events into comedy gold, such as when makeup artist Layne “Shotgun” Britton cameos as an elderly gentlemen at Elwood’s apartment building who apparently asked him to go shopping for him earlier.
16. "Hey, Jake. Gotta Be At least $7 Worth Of Change Here"
The ruthless pursuit of Carrie Fisher’s unnamed character to murder Jake and Elwood is, perhaps, the best random running gag in the movie. One attempt — taking a flame-thrower to a phone booth next to a gas tank which launches the brothers into the heavens — just results in a massive spill of coins, which is not quite enough money to save the orphanage.
15. "So Often That You Won't Even Notice It"
Probably the most admirable of the brothers’ distinct characteristics is their unbridled optimism. One of the most definitive and hilarious examples is when Jake asks him how often the train right next to Elwood’s apartment passes, and this is how his brother replies.
14. "Jake Ain't Lying, Though. We Had A Band Powerful Enough To Turn Goat Piss Into Gasoline"
I do not think that I could ever come up with a better metaphor to describe the profound effect of great, soulful music like what the Blues Brothers Band specializes in than what bass player Donald “Duck” Dunn comes up with here. It almost makes me wish there was a moment when a goat actually takes a leak in the Bluesmobile’s gas tank outside during a performance and fuels the car with no issue. I really don’t think that would feel out of place here.
13. "I Knew A Hooker Once Named Minnie Mazzola"
Needing to stall the big show while Jake and Elwood are running late, their old music mentor, Curtis (the real hero of this ‘80s movie), asks the band if they know “Minnie the Moocher” — one of the best-known hits by the legendary musician playing him, Cab Calloway. Keyboardist Murphy Dunn’s initial answer alone might make him the funniest member of the Blues Brothers Band.
12. "One Unused Prophylactic... One Soiled"
Frank Oz (the actor better known for playing Yoda in the Star Wars movies) appears at the beginning of the film as a Joliet corrections officer listing off Jake’s belongings before his release. Among them are a couple of condoms — one of which Jake had apparently used before starting his sentence, which Oz points out in a priceless tone of voice.
11. "Who Wants An Orange Whip? Orange Whip? Orange Whip? Three Orange Whips"
Yet another great Blues Brothers quote from John Candy — whose friendship with Dan Aykroyd predates their fame — comes after Mercer decides he wants to stay and watch Jake and Elwood perform before arresting them. According to VinePair, it is alleged that the detective’s requested cocktail — which requires rum, vodka, orange juice, and a whole lot of whipped cream — was improvised by Candy as a favor to a costume designer, whose father worked for the Orange Whip Corporation.
10. "Bring Me Four Fried Chickens And A Coke"
An even funnier instance of food service in the film comes when the Soul Food Cafe server (played by the late Aretha Franklin) is asked by Elwood for “dry white toast” and by Jake for the feast above. Belushi’s deadpan delivery is what makes the request — which lets cooks Matt “Guitar” Murphy and “Blue” Lou Marini know that the Blues Brothers are back — so iconic.
9. "Oh, We Got Both Kinds. We Got Country AND Western"
What makes the Blues Brothers soundtrack such a winner is its variety, even if there are people who prefer some styles more than others, or even refuse to acknowledge any other kind. Exhibit A: when Elwood asks the bartender at Bob’s Country Bunker, Claire (Sheilah Wells), what kind of music they typically have and her answer excludes anything their band specializes in.
8. "A Microphone?... OK, I Can See That"
The movie wastes no time establishing how passionate the Blues Brothers are about music by revealing why Elwood drives a used police car now. Jake is initially angry to learn that he no longer has their old Bluesmobile, a Cadillac, until his brother reveals what he traded the car in for.
7. "Two-Thousand Bucks And It's Yours. You Can Take It Home With You. As A Matter Of Fact, I'll Throw In The Black Keys For Free"
There are some amazing cameos by music legends here, but my favorite has to be Ray Charles (who was portrayed in an Oscar-winning performance by Jamie Foxx in the 2004 biopic, Ray). The singer and piano player exhibits some keen comedic timing when his character — a music store owner of the same name — demonstrates his questionable skills in negotiation with the band over an old keyboard.
6. "No, Ma'am. We're Musicians"
The first scene of Jake and Elwood’s search for their bandmates feels like it was ripped straight from an old school TV detective drama, which is why — on top of what kind of vehicle they drive — it makes perfect sense that Mrs. Tarantino (Toni Fleming) initially assumes they are cops when asking about Tom “Bones” Malone and Lou Marini’s whereabouts. The way Elwood tells her their true profession so matter-of-factly is the perfect capper to the moment.
5. "Our Lady Of Blessed Acceleration, Don't Fail Me Now"
Out of all the best movie car chase scenes in history, I would say that The Blues Brothers features at least a few especially notable entries, including when Jake and Elwood are being tailed by the Country Bunker owner, Bob (Jeff Morris), and The Good ‘Ol Boys (led by Charles Napier's character). After their gunshot blows a hole in the Bluesmobile’s rear window, Elwood lets out this beautiful prayer that I’m pretty sure I’ve quoted during a highway drive when I was running late for something.
4. "So, For Me, For My Mother, My Grandmother, My Father, My Uncle, And For The Common Good, I Must Now Kill You, And Your Brother"
It is in this climactic scene that we finally discover why the Mystery Woman has wanted to murder Jake and Elwood: the former did not show up for their apparently expensive nuptials. As a fun fact about the Princess Leia actor, in real life, she actually dated Aykroyd and the one who set them up was Belushi.
3. "Hi, This Is Car Um... Car 55. Um, We're In A Truck!"
Easily my favorite out of John Candy’s epic Blues Brothers quotes comes from the scene that sees Mercer, Trooper Mount (Steven Williams), and Trooper Daniel’s (Armand Cerami) pursuit come to a bombastic end. After they accidentally drive their vehicle straight into the side of semi-truck trailer, Mercer gets on the radio to report the situation in a deliriously upbeat manner.
2. "They're Not Gonna Catch Us. We're On A Mission From God"
It’s actually while Jake and Elwood are first being tailed by Mount and Daniel when Elwood utters the first (and just about the funniest) use of a quote that pretty much encapsulates the entire plot of the film. It’s no wonder it was used as the tagline.
1. “It’s A Hundred And Six Miles To Chicago. We Got A Full Tank Of Gas, Half A Pack Of Cigarettes. It's Dark, And We're Wearing Sunglasses"
While the quote before effectively summarizes the film’s plot, the Blues Brothers line that best encapsulates the film’s tone (and one of Dan Aykroyd's best '80s movie quotes) is this marvelous mouthful. Elwood’s quick debriefing before he and Jake head off to pay the orphanage’s debt with their earnings from the show — capped with Jake’s immortal “Hit it!” — has been one of my Top 10 all-time favorite movie quotes for as long as I can remember.
It looks like we completed our mission to rank the funniest Blues Brothers quotes pretty smoothly. Do you agree?
