Amy Schumer has been a reliable source of laughs (and controversy) for the past two decades. The NYC native gained notoriety as a stand-up comic after she finished fourth on the NBC reality competition series Last Comic Standing in 2007. After guest-starring in series and roasts for Comedy Central, she created the acclaimed sketch comedy Inside Amy Schumer for the network, for which she received a Peabody and an Emmy Award in 2015. That kicked off a successful career of comedy films (Trainwreck, I Feel Pretty), TV shows (the Hulu series Life & Beth), and, of course, stand-up specials (Live at the Apollo, The Leather Special). And she's offered up plenty of hilarious jokes along the way — here are 32 of our favorite Amy Schumer quips, from the cringingly relatable to the downright naughty.
“I’ve Been Getting Out Of That Spider-Man Costume. Did I Miss Anything? There’s, Like, A Different Vibe In Here.” - The 94th Annual Academy Awards
Alongside fellow funny ladies Regina Hall and Wanda Sykes, Amy Schumer served as the host of the very eventful 2022 Oscars — you know, the one with that Will Smith slapping incident. Following that shocking moment, Schumer broke some of the tension by returning to the stage and joking that she missed all of the commotion because she was still stuck in a skin-tight superhero suit from an earlier Spider-Man parody bit.
"Just In Case You've Never Been To LA, It Is Filled With The Most Beautiful People From All Over The World. Everyone Is Pretty There...People Don't Even See Me There. They're Like, "Is That A Fat Tumbleweed?" - Amy Schumer: Live At The Apollo
Though she's clearly an attractive blonde woman, much of Amy Schumer's comedy revolves around self-deprecating anecdotes about her own physicality. Case in point this joke about beauty standards in Los Angeles versus New York in her 2015 stand-up special, Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo.
"We Have No Idea What We’re Doing. We Have Some Books At Home And Every Week There’s A Terrifying Video Saying What’s Going On In The Baby’s Development. 'This Week The Baby Is Growing Fur And Eating You From The Inside!" - Amy Schumer: Growing
In her 2019 Netflix comedy special Growing, Schumer discussed her new marriage to Chris Fischer and the impending birth of their son Gene. The comedienne was in her second trimester during the time of the special, which made all of her motherhood-related anxieties even funnier.
"Nothing Good Ever Happens In A Blackout. I've Never Woken Up And Been Like, 'What Is This Pilates Mat Doing Out?'" - Comedy Central Presents
Schumer regularly pokes fun at both her party-girl reputation as well as her fitness regimen (or lack thereof). This joke from her first Comedy Central Presents special, which aired in April 2010, hilariously hits on both subjects.
"I Have To Give It Up For My Mom. She Made Me So Confident. Like She Just Straight-Up Lied To Me As A Kid. It’s Tough To Stay Confident, As A Woman. You Turn On The TV, See All The Gorgeous Women. We Have To Compete With The Mother Of Dragons. What’s Her Name? Kris Jenner." - Amy Schumer: Growing
In her Growing comedy special, Amy explored her then-impending motherhood — she welcomed a son, Gene, with her husband Chris in May 2019 — as well as her relationship with her own mother. She also referenced another important maternal figure: the mama of the mega-famous Kardashian-Jenner brood, Kris Jenner.
"I Like Smaller Teams, Like The...Not The Big Leagues. I Like The, Um, Long Island Mediums. The...The Acorn Pine Cones...The Orlando Blooms?" - Trainwreck
In the 2015 comedy Trainwreck, Schumer portrays a magazine journalist tasked with writing a profile about sports doctor Aaron Conners (Bill Hader). During a preliminary meeting with the doc, Schumer's character memorably reveals her less-than-extensive knowledge about basketball teams.
"When You Get Into Your Late 30s, There’s No Dignity To It. It’s Like Me In A Grecian Gown With My Aging Cleavage Wearing A Coachella Flower Halo, Just Hoping I’m Not The Bridesmaid With The Biggest Arm." - Amy Schumer: Growing
What with the rising costs and laundry list of responsibilities, being a member of a wedding party is no picnic (as the comedy classic Bridesmaids very relatably summed up). It's even worse, as Schumer jested in her Growing special, when you have to be a bridesmaid in your thirties.
“I Made Out With A Homeless Guy By Accident. I Had No Idea. He Was Really Tan. He Had No Shoes On. I Just Thought It Was, Like, His Thang. I Was Like, ‘He’s Probably In A Band.’” - Comedy Central Presents
Schumer isn't shy about detailing her often antics-filled love life, as she did during a 2010 episode of Comedy Central Presents, talking about smooching a random man on a bench that ended up being his bed.
"I'm Labeled A Sex Comic. Like In Interviews, People Are Always Like, 'So, You Keep Talking About Sex.' I Think It's Just Because I'm A Girl. I Feel Like A Guy Could Get Up Here And Literally (Expose Himself) And Everybody Would Be Like, 'He's A Thinker!'" - Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo
Amy Schumer is known for her brazen, often raunchily sexual jokes, a fact that she commented on whilst headlining her first HBO stand-up special, Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo, in 2015. We, for one, enjoy it when she's hilarious and hilariously filthy.
"No, I Only Sue Judd Apatow" - Only Murders in the Building
Schumer joined the cast of Only Murders in the Building in season 2, playing a heightened version of herself who just moved into Sting's old digs in the Arconia. She tries to convince Oliver (Martin Short) to sell her the rights to adapt the podcast into a TV show but when Charles (Steve Martin) is uneasy about it, she assures him that there won't be any legal trouble involved — she only ever sues her famous buddy, Trainwreck director Judd Apatow.
“In New York, I’m a Six — A Seven With All The Padding. But In Miami, I Was Like A Negative Three...I Was Like, ‘Beyonce Calls It Jelly.’ They Were Like, ‘That’s Cottage Cheese...Do Some Lunges.’” - Comedy Central Presents
Amy Schumer has been forthright about body shaming and self-esteem over the years, often using humor as a way to navigate discussions around her own body image. In this joke from her Comedy Central Presents episode, the comedienne mocked the unrealistic beauty expectations of image-conscious Miami.
"I'm So In Love With My Boyfriend Right Now. Everything Is Perfect, But We Want Totally Different Things In Bed. Like, He's Always Turning The Lights On, You Know What I'm Saying? And I Shut Them Off, And He turns Them On, And The Other Day, He's Like, 'Amy, Why Are You So Shy? You Know, You Have A Beautiful Body.' I Was Like, 'Oh My God, You're So Cute. You Think I Don't Want You To See Me?'" - Live At Gotham
Because Schumer regularly includes jokey criticisms about her own looks in her stand-up acts, the set-up to this number from her show at New York's famed Gotham Comedy Club has you thinking it will be more of the self-deprecating same...that is, until she flips the focus around on her boyfriend.
"Marrying A Chef Is A Little On-The-Nose For Me. It’s Like Snoop Marrying Weed." - Amy Schumer: Growing
In her 2019 Netflix special Growing, Schumer included plenty of jokes about her husband Chris Fischer, a chef and farmer hailing from Martha's Vineyard, Massachusetts. Given her self-proclaimed love of food, Schumer likened her advantageously marrying a professional cook to the famously chill rapper Snoop Dogg getting hitched to a different kind of crop.
"It's Work (To Be A Woman). Guys Don't Think That It's Work, But It Is. You Think It Shows Up Like That To The Event? It Doesn't. Every Night It's Like Getting It Ready For Its First Quinceañera, Believe Me." - Amy Schumer: Mostly Stuff
In her 2012 stand-up special Amy Schumer: Mostly Stuff, Schumer airs out seemingly every hilarious detail about her dating and sex life, including her adventures (or mid-adventures) in personal grooming.
"I Went Home With This French Guy 'Cause He Said Something Adorable, Like, 'I Have An Apartment.'" - Amy Schumer: The Leather Special
In 2017's bold and uncensored Amy Schumer: The Leather Special, her first stand-up special for the streaming service Netflix, the comic gets real and really raunchy about her romantic life, including this playfully inappropriate anecdote about a French former paramour.
“It’s Supposed To Be A Secret. Like The Second You Get It, Your Mom Says, ‘You’re A Woman Now… And That’s Disgusting. Never Let Anyone Know Of Your Filthy Secret.'” - Amy Schumer: Growing
Though much of her Amy Schumer: Growing Netflix special has to do with pregnancy, Schumer tackles plenty of other female physical phenomena, including girlhood puberty. Clearly, her mother didn't do as ours did and just handed her a copy of Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.
"The first person I saw was literally Kate Upton," Schumer says, re-enacting how she looked down at her own body and came to a realization. "And I was like, 'Oh, I get it. I'm not a real woman. I'm just harvesting organs for one.' " - Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo
While performing her one-hour show at the iconic Apollo Theatre in Manhattan, Schumer shared a story about a time she got to sit courtside at a Lakers game. Her initial excitement, however, waned when she realized that her seatmate was Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue supermodel Kate Upton.
Anybody see Top Gun? It was cute, right? I was impressed. Do you know that Tom Cruise does all his own Scientology?
In her 2023 Netflix special Amy Schumer: Emergency Contact, the titular funny lady offers up her uncensored opinions about everything from face lasers to chewable Viagra. One such topic includes the 2022 box office-breaking blockbuster Top Gun: Maverick, with Amy poking fun at star Tom Cruise and his reputation for doing his own stunts.
"This Is Not An Exercise Class. This Is A Funeral For The Fat You!" - Inside Amy Schumer
In an episode of her acclaimed Comedy Central series Inside Amy Schumer, Amy sillily satirizes the intensity of gym culture by popping up as an overzealous exercise instructor guiding a confused class through workout moves that "technically violate the Geneva Convention."
“Half Of You Don’t Know Who I Am, And Half Of You Think I’m Meghan Trainor.” - MTV Movie Awards 2015
While hosting the 2015 MTV Movie Awards at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles, Angeles, the then-33-year-old Schumer poked fun at her own reputation and recognizability (or lack thereof), as well as the age of the famously youthful MTV crowd.
"You Know That Show, 'Teen Mom'? Or, If You're From The South, 'Mom'?" - Amy Schumer: Mostly Stuff
Amy Schumer has never been confused for someone who's concerned with political correctness: case in point, this teen pregnancy-focused quip.
"He Was Really Into Family...He'd Never Come On The Road With Me On The Weekends 'Cause He Wanted To Spend Time With His Wife" - Amy Schumer: Mostly Stuff
Schumer hilariously gushed about one of her romantic flings in her 2012 Mostly Stuff stand-up special, only to turn the story on its head when she jokingly revealed that said beau had another special someone back at home.
"I Just Want To, Like, Sip A Mai Tai And, Like, Smoke A J. And Then Just Kinda, Like, Start Having Red Wine At Night. And Then Scotch. And If Somebody's Like, "Have You Ever Done Ayahuasca?" I'll Be Like, "No, Is It Safe?" And Then I'll Try It. I Don't Care." - Snatched
In an early scene in Snatched, her 2017 comedy opposite the legendary Goldie Hawn, Schumer's character Emily Middleton jokes that she really needs to let loose on her upcoming vacation to South America — which she definitely does when her mom ends up being her last-minute travel-buddy and they set off on an outrageous jungle adventure.
We had whole milk. And we drank it with every meal. You’d have a grilled cheese sandwich with a cup of milk. Our skin was bad, we were farting all over the place. It was disgusting. But we were happy. - Emergency Contact
There's plenty of differences between today's 12-year-olds and how Amy Schumer grew up, the comic joked in her Emergency Contact special for Netflix. For one, when she was a pre-teen, they didn't have "have oat milk, or almond milk, or Erewhon," but instead lived off of regular old, fart-inducing dairy.
"Remember 27? God, You’re So Cute And Everything’s Still Up High And… You’re Wearing Heels. You’re Gonna… Someday, These Are Gonna Be Your Heels, Okay? There’s An Orthopedic Insert In Here." - Amy Schumer: Emergency Contact
Some of Amy Schumer's funniest stand-up moments are of the unscripted sort, such as this bit of audience engagement from her Amy Schumer: Emergency Contact special. When inquiring after a front-row fan's age, the comedienne reminisced about the days when her footwear didn't require extra arch support.
"Usually, When Someone In The Public Eye Gets Pregnant, There’s A Couple Of Months Where There Are Some Rumors About Them. Bump Alert! Uh Oh! I Was Well Into My Second Trimester And Not One Rumor About Me. Nothing. I Was Photographed, Belly Out, And They Were Just Like, 'There’s Amy!'" - Amy Schumer: Growing
In her refreshingly honest and hilarious Netflix special Growing, Schumer simultaneously joked about her weight — specifically the healthy pounds she gained during her pregnancy with her son Gene — as well as her public image in Hollywood.
"Some Guys, They Wanna Sleep With A Girl That's, Like, A Skeleton Wrapped In Plastic. That's Fine If That's What You Want. But I'm Gonna Keep Eating And Showering Infrequently." - Inside Amy Schumer
The sixth episode of Inside Amy Schumer's first season tackles a lot of body-related humor, including a bit about a diet program where you're physically slapped if you eat something unhealthy. In this joke, Schumer rails against the body expectations thrust upon women while also giving a little self-deprecating dig against herself.
"I Haven't Eaten Much Today. I Had, Like, Basically Lay's Potato Chips. Like, Stopped In Starbucks And Had, Like, One Red Velvet Yogurt And Two Scones, And They Were, Like, Super Small. And Then Just Chipotle But That Stuff Just Runs Through You." - Trainwreck
During one scene in Trainwreck, Amy's character tries out some physical therapy equipment while interviewing Dr. Aaron Conners (Bill Hader). At one point, she gets woozy, which she says might be because she hasn't eaten much that day—except that, as the doc points out, she consumed breakfast, lunch, and several snacks.
"In LA, My Arms Register As Legs...And My Legs Register As Firewood." - Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo
In her HBO special Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo, Schumer jokes that when she's in Los Angeles — a city that stereotypically has a preoccupation with beauty and youth — a passersby confuse her with "an octopus" because of the normal size of her limbs.
"He's Like, 'Okay, Here's Your New Diet. So For Breakfast, You'll Have A Smoothie. Then For Lunch, You'll Journal About That Smoothie. And Then You Put A Peanut Under Your Pillow And You Hope You Dream About Pizza." - Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo
In her first HBO stand-up special Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo, the actress-comedian recounts how the studio hired a personal trainer — a real-deal one who "trains all the Hemsworthses and, um, like, Megan Fox and, like, an actual fox" — to get her in shape for her leading film role in Trainwreck.
"We Have To Be A Role Model For These Little Girls, Because Who Do They Have? All They Have Is The Kardashians, And, Like, We Used To Have Khloe. Khloe Was Ours. Whenever There's A Group Of Women, You Identify With One Of Them. Khloe, She Lost Half Her Body Weight. She Lost A Kendall!" - Saturday Night Live
While making her debut as a host of Saturday Night Live in 2015, Schumer poked fun at the famous Kardashians clan and the outsized effect the siblings have on beauty standards during her opening monologue.
"He Wound Up Being Like An Insane Alcoholic And, Uh, That's My Thing. I Feel Like In Most Relationships There's One Alcoholic And One Person Who's Sad About It. And I Wanted To Be Like The Fun One!" - Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo
Never one to shy away from edgy subject matter or taboo topics, Schumer joked about both her drinking habits and her eventful dating life in her HBO special Amy Schumer: Live at the Apollo. Alas, it seems like this was one relationship that simply wasn't meant to be.
