After Experiencing A Very Personal Loss, I Want To Talk About Toni Collette's Performance In Hereditary

My mother died recently.

People always say that everybody grieves differently, and while I've cried myself tired since it happened, the two things that truly bring me comfort in life (besides the family that I still have left) are writing and movies, so I've decided to grieve here.

We've already done a piece on horror movies that meaningfully address grief, and Hereditary was on there. That said, after losing my mom, I've come to realize just how accurate Ari Aster was when it came to portraying grief on the screen. One may argue that I should instead discuss what some consider Ari Aster's better film, Midsommar, as it deals with the death of parents (all of Aster's films deal with grief). However, I feel like Hereditary is the closer depiction of what I've been going through with the death of my mother since it happened. Here's why.

The Mother's Grief Seems Endless

My mother only recently passed, so I don't have the span of time that the family in Hereditary goes through, but I already understand the never ending grief that Toni Collette’s character, Annie, and her son, Peter, (Alex Wolff), are suffering.

The film itself deals with two major deaths, one being the grandmother, which is a natural passing, and the other being Annie’s daughter, Charlie (Milly Shapiro) which is a sudden, violent death. And, as one would expect, the way the family grieves both losses is wildly different.

For the grandmother, it just seems like a natural part of life. Annie attends a bereavement support group, and the family gets through it together. But, it’s the sudden loss of Charlie that I feel Aster truly depicted realistically, as my own mother’s death was quite sudden. In that way, it has been difficult for me to process the variety of emotions that I’ve been going through lately. Every day is different.

In the film, Charlie’s loss upends the whole family. You don’t really know just how much time has passed since Charlie’s death, and I have similar feelings regarding my own mother’s passing. Days feel much longer now that I know I can't call my mother whenever I want, or talk to her anymore.

That sense of endless waiting (for what?) is omnipresent in this film, and it only feels all the more realistic ever since my own mother passed.

The Mother Also Seems To Forget The Other Members Of Her Family Throughout Her Grieving Process

When I learned that my mother died, I called my father and told him that he was all that I had left.

Broken up himself, he told me that I still had my siblings, my wife, and also my children, which were the greatest gift of all. But, in my immense grief at the time, I had completely forgotten everybody else in my life. In my mind, it was just Dad and me now.

In Hereditary, Annie neglects her son and husband following Charlie’s death. She’s so lost in her own grief, that she’s emotionally vacuous whenever the other members of her family are present. Her son, who is psychosomatic ever since his sister died, needs genuine help, but Annie will not give it to him since she blames him for his sister’s death. When her husband tries to coax her out of her stupor, she snaps at him.

I haven’t been as bad as Toni Collette’s character since I’ve let all of my emotions out (and so many people have come to my aid for support), but I see aspects of myself in her performance. I've tried to still be emotionally present for my wife and children, but sometimes, it's been difficult.

I know this is a natural part of the process, but it’s hard for me to pull myself out of my own head sometimes. As I said earlier, every day is different.

She Feels Guilt Even Though There Was Nothing She Could Do

One thing that has been running through my mind ever since my mother’s death is if I could have done things differently. I called her the day she died, and she told me that she didn’t feel well. I told her that I would come right down, but she emphatically told me no. She said, “Call me in an hour.” And when I did, she didn’t pick up.

A part of me has been thinking about that day ever since it occurred. I’ve told myself again and again, why didn’t you just go down there? Yeah, Mom was stubborn, but so what? You should have gone! On the other hand, I keep telling myself, “How would you have gotten into the house if you did?”

The truth is, I don’t know if I could have saved my mom, and I’ll likely carry that guilt with me for the rest of my life (Even though those around me have told me not to blame myself).

In Hereditary, Toni Collette’s character outright blames her son for Charlie’s death, but you get a sense that she blames herself too, since she forced her son to take Charlie to that party.

Being that this is one of Toni Collette’s best performances, you can see every emotion on her face, and self-loathing is certainly one of them. She wants to blame others, but she feels, deep down inside, that this is her fault, even if she never could have predicted what would eventually happen. That hit me hard, man. And I get it now. I wish I didn’t, but I do. Could I have done more?

Her Catatonic State Seems Very Accurate

The one thing that really sticks out to me in Hereditary is Toni Collette’s catatonic-like state.

For whole scenes, she just stares, and you can tell that she’s thinking about Charlie. When people talk to her, it’s like they’re talking around her, which is very frustrating for her psychiatrist husband, who wants her to move on.

But, no, I get it. Ever since Mom died, I sometimes just stare. What am I staring at? Memories. I’m thinking back to all of the happy times we had together, since I was lucky to spend so many years with her, especially after the birth of her grandkids.

Unfortunately for Annie, she’s likely thinking back to finding her daughter in the backseat of a car, beheaded.

But, yeah. The whole catatonic state and distant stare thing. I get that, too. I’ve done it. I'm thinking about you, Mom.

You Can Tell She’s Trying To Move On To The Best Of Her Abilities

Believe it or not, but writing this article has been somewhat therapeutic for me. As I said earlier, writing is one of the only things that brings me comfort outside of movies and the family that I have left, as well as the friends who have come out in full force to make sure that I'm hanging in there.

And you can tell that Annie is trying her best to move on too. She builds miniatures, but she can no longer build them without including her family in them. Because even though she’s trying to move on, she just can’t.

People tell me that death stays with you for the rest of your life. Some days are easier than others, but you’ll never be truly happy again in a carefree way. There will always just be that hole in your heart that exists, and I believe it. Every Mother’s Day is going to gut me since that was Mom’s favorite holiday.

And, when my kids grow up, I’ll be happy and proud of them, sure, but I’ll also always think, Mom would have loved to have seen this. I always knew my mom would die eventually, but nothing could truly prepare me for it, just like Annie could never prepare to wake up that next morning and find out that her daughter died.

But… yeah. Hereditary is a great movie, and I miss you, Mom. And for those of you who have also lost somebody close to you in your life, please know that you are not alone. Thank you for reading.