In some critical cases, the funniest way to deliver a line of dialogue is in the most serious way possible and no one understood that better than Leslie Nielsen. While much of his early work primarily consisted of dramas, the actor has his fingerprints on many of the greatest parody movies of all time, which defined his career from when he starred in 1980's Airplane! to his passing in 2010 at 84. Celebrate the life of the master of deadpan by looking back on the most uproarious Leslie Nielsen movie quotes.
"Wilma, I Promise You, Whatever Scum Did This, Not One Man On This Force Will Rest One Minute Until He's Behind Bars. Now, Let's Grab A Bite To Eat" - The Naked Gun: From The Files Of Police Squad!
Early on in 1988's The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad!, when Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen) is visiting his partner, Nordberg, in the hospital, he happens to say quite a few inappropriate things to the ailing cop's wife, Wilma (Susan Beaubian). One of the funniest comes when he asks Capt. Ed Hocken (Geroge Kennedy) went to lunch right after ensuring Wilma that he would take no breaks on this case.
"Yes, Yes, I Remember. I Had Lasagna" - Airplane!
In Airplane!, Leslie Nielsen's Dr. Rumack comes into play when several passengers mysteriously fall ill, leading him to ask flight attendant Elaine (Julie Hagerty), what the in-flight meal was. After she tells him there was a choice between steak or fish, he matter-of-factly recalls that he, somehow, ate neither of those items.
"Nice Party, Hapsburg. I See A Lot Of Familiar Face-Lifts" - The Naked Gun 2-1/2: The Smell Of Fear
In the second installment of the Naked Gun movies from 1991, Leslie Nielsen's Frank Drebin takes an immediate dislike to Quentin Hapsburg (Robert Goulet), the new beau of his former lover, Jane Spencer (Priscilla Presley). He takes every opportunity he sees to belittle the wealthy oil industrialist, including pointing out how many of his party guests appear to partake in cosmetic surgery.
"I'm Here Today At The... 'Un'" - Scary Movie 4
Leslie Nielsen would reunite with David Zucker, one of the creators of Airplane! and the Naked Gun series, when he took over the Scary Movie franchise, which pokes fun at the best horror movies, for the third and fourth installments. In Nielsen's best moment from 2006's Scary Movie 4, President Baxter must refer to the United Nations logo behind him to identify who he is speaking to but still fails miserably.
"It's An Entirely Different Kind Of Flying" - Airplane!
In Airplane!, when Rumack asks Ted Striker (Robert Hays) about his piloting experience, he says he flew single-engine fighters in the Air Force. When he adds that handling a four-engine commercial jet is "an entirely different kind of flying, altogether," the doctor and flight attendant Randy (Lorna Patterson) take that last word as a signal to both repeat what he said in unison.
"Nice Beaver!" - The Naked Gun: From The Files Of Police Squad!
One of the all-time funniest spoof movie gags comes from The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! when Drebin stands right below Jane as she is standing on a ladder, rummaging through her attic, and compliments her "beaver." Every unsuspecting viewer understandably had their heads in the gutter until she passed down the recently taxidermied woodland animal to him.
"Children Of The Night. What A Mess They Make" - Dracula: Dead And Loving It
In 1995, Mel Brooks sent up one of the most essential vampire movies with Dracula: Dead and Loving It, and cast Leslie Nielsen in the title role. A funny moment sees the count paraphrasing Bela Lugosi's immortal line from the 1931 original – "Listen to them, children of the night. What music they make!" – to reference a patch of bat guano that appears on his staircase.
"I'm Sure That We Can Handle This Situation Maturely, Just Like The Responsible Adults That We Are. Isn't That right, Mr... Poopy Pants?" - The Naked Gun 2-1/2: The Smell Of Fear
For all of his absent-mindedness, we would normally never think of Frank Drebin as particularly immature, except for this moment from The Naked Gun 2-1/2: The Smell of Fear. No one can blame him for feeling petty after how things left off with him and Jane between installments but calling her new boyfriend, Hapsburg, "Mr. Poopy Pants" is inexcusably infantile.
"You Know, I Usually Specialize In Stuff You Can Wrap" - All I Want For Christmas
The first of two times Leslie Nielsen played Santa Claus – the second being the 2000 made-for-TV movie, Santa Who? – was in 1991's All I Want for Christmas. He plays a kindly mall Santa, who is asked by young Hallie (Thora Birch) to help bring their divorced parents back together.
"I Am Serious And Don't Call Me Shirley" - Airplane!
Perhaps the funniest line said by Leslie Nielsen in Airplane! – let alone the movie's funniest line, period – comes after Dr. Rumack asks Striker if he can take over the plane's ill pilots, and land it. When the former pilot responds, "Surely, you can't be serious," the doctor assumes he was calling him a traditionally feminine name.
"It's The Same Old Story. Boy Finds Girl, Boy Loses Girl, Girl Finds Boy, Boy Forgets Girl, Boy Remembers Girl, Girl Dies In A Tragic Blimp Accident Over The Orange Bowl On New Year's Day" - The Naked Gun: From The Files Of Police Squad!
In the first Naked Gun movie, on their first date at Frank's apartment, he and Jane are discussing their pasts when Frank recalls a lover he once lost to tragedy. The dark joke gets even funnier when Jane asks if the blimp is from Goodyear and he misinterprets the question and responds, "No, the worst."
"I Just Want To Tell You Both, Good Luck. We're All Counting On You" - Airplane!
There is nothing particularly funny about this line the first time Leslie Nielsen says it to Ted and Elaine as they finally make an attempt to land in Airplane! However, it becomes hilarious after Rumack repeats it to them randomly and unprompted twice more during the final act.
"The Truth Hurts, Doesn't It, Hapsburg? Oh, Sure, Maybe Not As Much As Landing On A Bicycle With The Seat Missing, But It Hurts!" - The Naked Gun 2-1/2: The Smell Of Fear
In The Naked Gun 2-1/2, Frank discovers that his disdain toward Hapsburg was justified by his secret terrorist involvements. He spews more belittling rhetoric at the criminal that really does sound like a painful scenario.
"I Haven't Seen Anything Like This Since The Anita Bryant Concert" - Airplane!
Anita Bryant was a very controversial figure in the late 1970s, due to her outspoken opposition to gay rights. This line from Airplane!, in which Rumack compares the display of violent illness among the passengers to the crowd at one of the former singer's own shows, is just one of many times pop culture took a jab at her.
"I Just Think About Baseball" - The Naked Gun: From The Files Of Police Squad!
The Naked Gun movies are known for their hilariously subversive use of double entendres, such as when Drebin tells Jane he used to have a problem with his firearm going off... or so it seems. The discussion takes a strange turn when she asks how he solved his problem but his response sounds like he is referring to something else.
"I've Been Like A Father To You! I Raised You, Just Like Your Father Did! I Believed In You, Just Like Your Father Did! I Slept With Your Mother, Just Like Your Father Did!" - Superhero Movie
After two Scary Movies, Leslie Nielsen starred in a 2008 send-up of the best superhero movies (especially Spider-Man), aptly named Superhero Movie, as the uncle of the young, superpowered Rick (Drake Bell). During an argument, Uncle Albert goes a little too far in trying to prove to his nephew just how well he earned his place as a father figure to him.
“Uh, Then He's Certainly Not Going To Enjoy That Treat I Just Fed To Him” - Wrongfully Accused
Wrongfully Accused, starring Leslie Nielsen as a murder suspect struggling to clear his name, is essentially a parody of great action movies, especially The Fugitive. However, the 1998 comedy is also a mixed bag of gags, such as when Nielsen's Ryan Harrison discovers he has mistaken a dog's rear end for its face.
"It's True What They Say: Cops And Women Don't Mix. It's Like Eating A Spoonful Of Drano. Sure, It'll Clean You Out, But It'll Leave You Hollow Inside" - The Naked Gun: From The Files Of Police Squad!
All we can really say about this line from the first Naked Gun – directed at Jane after Frank learns she really works for the film's main antagonist – is that you should definitely not eat a spoonful of Drano. Ever.
"You Can't Take A Guess For Another Two Hours?" - Airplane!
This Airplane! line comes from a hilarious exchange between Rumack and Capt. Oveur is full of misunderstandings. Rumack asks him if he can take a guess of how soon he can land the plane and when the pilot says, "Well, not for another two hours," the doctor assumes he is referring to when he would be able to craft a hypothesis.
"A Parachute Not Opening. That's A Way To Die. Getting Caught In The Gears Of A Combine. Having Your Nuts Bit Off By A Laplander. That's The Way I Wanna Go!" - The Naked Gun: From The Files Of Police Squad!
In The Naked Gun, with Nordberg in critical condition after being ambushed by a "cowardly hoodlum," Capt. Hocken mentions that it is "no way for a man to die." Frank then lists a series of scenarios that he believes would ensure a glorious exit.
"You Carry A UB-21 Schnauzer With A Gnab Silencer..." - Spy Hard
In the 1996 spy movie parody, Spy Hard, Dick Steele's (Leslie Nielsen) impromptu reading of Russian agent, Veronique Ukrinsky (Nicolette Sheridan) is littered with acronyms. The full quote is, "You carry a UB-21 Schnauzer with a Gnab silencer. That's KGB. You prefer an H&K over an A.K. Your surveillance technique is NSA. Your ID is CIA. You received your Ph.D. at NYU. Traded in your GTO for a BMW. You listen to CDs by R.E.M. and STP. And you'd like to see J.F.K. in his BVDs, getting down with O.P.P. And you probably put the toilet paper back on the roll with the paper on the inside."
"Just Think, Next Time I Shoot Someone, I Could Be Arrested" - The Naked Gun: From The Files Of Police Squad!
Drebin says this Naked Gun line after he is suspended from the Police Squad, which seems to be a much-needed punishment for someone with his trigger-happy attitude.
"Uh, Fire Drill" - Safety Patrol
Leslie Nielsen stars in ABC's 1998 made-for-TV family film, Safety Patrol, as Mr. Penn, who is a school security head, despite his debilitating clumsiness. Case in point: when he falls out of a window and tries to pass off the accident as a planned fire drill escape method when he notices three students witnessed his tumble.
"Didn't I Try To Adopt That 18-Year-Old Korean Girl?" - The Naked Gun 33-1/3: The Final Insult
In The Naked Gun 33-1/3: The Final Insult, during a couple's therapy session, Jane asks why Frank does not want to have children. His response seems to be a reference to Woody Allen's relationship with Soon-Yi Previn, which had sparked controversy around that time.
"That Doesn't Prove A Thing. She Could Be Related To Joe Cocker" - Repossessed
Repossessed goes above and beyond to send up demonic possession movies, by casting The Exorcist star Linda Blair as another person in need of a priest. Said priest in the 1990 comedy is Father Jedediah Mayii, who likens the supposed possession victim, described as having "an unGodly voice and maniacal facial expressions," to famously over-the-top singer, Joe Cocker.
"You Take A Chance Getting Up In The Morning, Crossing The Street, Or Sticking Your Face In A Fan" - The Naked Gun: From The Files Of Police Squad!
We strongly recommend not taking the chance of sticking your face in a fan, no matter how admirably courageous The Naked Gun's Frank Drebin may seem.
"The Other Two Pilots, They're Just Fine. They're At The Controls Flying The Plane, Free To Pursue A Life Of Religious Fulfillment" - Airplane!
Even if Dr. Rumack was not lying about the pilots' illness in Airplane!, this would be a pretty absurd way to describe someone with a healthy condition. Of course, what makes the doctor's attempt to comfort the passengers especially funny is how his nose grows like Pinocchio with each dishonest remark.
"Jane, Since I've Met You, I've Noticed Things That I Never Knew Were There Before. Birds Singing, Dew Glistening On A Newly Formed Leaf, Stoplights" - The Naked Gun: From The Files Of Police Squad!
Hopefully, it does not take falling in love for you to notice that stoplights exist, like what appears to have happened to Drebin after meeting Jane in The Naked Gun.
"I'll Tell Ya What Crazy Is. Crazy Is Walking Down The Street With Half A Cantaloupe On Your Head Saying, 'I'm A Hamster. I'm A Hamster.' That's Crazy" - Spy Hard
This line from Spy Hard might actually be the ultimate demonstration of Leslie Nielsen's masterful deadpan delivery. Without it, such a pointlessly absurd quote might not have worked as well.
"I Was Ready To Plant My Flag Back In Washington D.C., Where Every Congressman Has The Constitutional Right To Be A Felon. Good Old America" - 2001: A Space Travesty
In 2000, Leslie Nielsen starred in a sci-fi movie parody called 2001: A Space Travesty as a marshal for a commercial trip off Earth. The film relies primarily on visual comedy but sometimes sneaks a funny line in there, such as this piece of narration that hints at a dystopian United States.
“I'd Forget My Genitals If They Weren't Superglued In Between My Legs. Water-skiing Accident” - Wrongfully Accused
One fun moment from Wrongfully Accused references the twist ending from The Usual Suspects, with Ryan Harrison coming up with a fake alias and full backstory using words he sees posted around a fishing store. Before making a run for it, he makes a seemingly random remark about the state of his manhood.
"I Just Want To Tell You Both, Good Luck. We're All Counting On You" - Scary Movie 3
Leslie Nielsen's first appearance as President Baxter in Scary Movie 3 features a funny callback to his Airplane! role in which he wishes the protagonists the same good fortune that Rumack extends to Ted and Elaine.
