Halloween antagonist Michael Myers has proven following the conclusion of his latest arc in Halloween Ends that he is one tough bastard to kill. He’s also super effective at killing, which makes him a tough match-up not just for his victims, but for any horror villain you want to dump him in a hypothetical death match with (people still pitch the idea in Hollywood all the same). Or so I thought, as a recent fantasy Freddy vs. Jason mashup led me to believe there’s one Halloween-themed movie character who could easily handle Michael Myers, and that’s Pubert Addams.
Addams Family Values is an iconic Halloween movie with an absolute knockout cast and one demonic baby who could bring any mass-murdering icon to its knees. If ever there was a match for Michael Myers, it is the young Pubert Addams. I can understand why some folks might be scratching their heads on this one, but bear with me and we’ll break down all the ways Pubert would slap the mask off of old Mikey boy if they ever crossed paths while we wait for the arrival of more upcoming horror movies.
Pubert Addams Is A Natural Survivor
From the moment he popped out of the womb, Pubert Addams had people coming after him. It’s even worse that it was his own siblings, Pugsley and Wednesday, who tried to kill him just days after he returned home from the hospital. In most situations, this would be a sickening story adapted into a true crime series for anyone with a Netflix subscription and a thirst for upsetting situations to binge. Inexplicably though, Pubert managed to evade his siblings at every turn and continue to thrive.
Saying that doesn’t really do justice to some of the things Pubert pulled off. This infant halted a falling guillotine with his bare, tiny and underdeveloped hands. No baby should have that amount of reflex, let alone the arm strength to stop a falling blade. Was it because the Addams are just genetically stronger and have some supernatural powers that aid them? It’s possible, though that was never anything explicitly stated. Maybe Wednesday and Pugsley just did a terrible job of making a guillotine.
You can nitpick about Wednesday and Pugsley’s torture device-making skills, but let’s be real: few, if any babies are capable of sliding down a stairway banister and emerging on the other side unharmed. To borrow from some current slang terms, Pubert Addams is built different, and he has that dawg in him. Michael Myers, historically, struggles when it comes to taking on people who are survivors at their core, so Pubert Addams would already be a tough matchup based on this alone.
Pubert Addams Is Nigh-Indestructible
The guillotine feat is just an appetizer to what Pubert Addams can do. In the climax of Addams Family Values, Pubert is left out of Debbie’s plot to destroy the Addams Family. As a result, he’s sitting on a wooden board and is launched through a glass window in the ceiling when a bowling ball comes down on the other side. It should’ve been over right then and there. Pubert Addams, 1993-1993. Not only does this kid appear in the next scene without a scratch on him, but we see him reach space more quickly than William Shatner ever did (he also seemed happier about it).
Ok, Pubert Addams doesn’t make it to space, but he is seen right outside of an airplane window by the Buckman family. Pubert is 100% fine, and even relatively amused by the fact he’s thousands of feet in the air. Pubert then descends and goes back down into the Addams family house like absolutely nothing happened. He should’ve liquified on impact, but those bouncing baby limbs remained strong and he even went on to be the hero of the movie!
If Pubert Addams can survive falling falling to the Earth at that great a distance, Michael Myers doesn’t stand a chance of killing him. There’s literally nothing he could do as equally devastating to the human body as what gravity can do from a fall from thousands of feet in the air. I don’t doubt that he’d take that as a challenge, but at the end of the day, Myers is a traditional killer. He’s not really the type to set up elaborate traps or even plan, so I think he’d just eventually concede that Pubert isn’t capable of dying and just move on with his life. Or he’d become obsessed like he was with Laurie and continue to pursue something he’d never kill, which sounds like a real loser move to me.
Pubert Is A Weapons Proficient Baby With The Element Of Surprise
We’ve established that Pubert Addams is basically what Juggernaut is to the X-Men, meaning that he’s basically indestructible. One thing we haven’t established is whether or not he’d actually be able to do more than survive, but rest assured, he can hold his own. Remember, dear reader, part of what made Pubert Addams such a bizarre addition to the family was his lust for violence and his ability to produce flaming arrows seemingly out of thin air!
These aren’t things we expect of babies, even in family comedies. Granted, Pubert Addams’ appearance more or less tips off the fact that he’s no regular baby, but even that pencil-thin mustache isn’t going to tip Michael Myers off to the fact this baby might shoot a flaming arrow directly into his mask. That may not be enough to kill Myers, but it certainly will stagger him for just a bit. This could give Pubert enough time to move in for the kill shot, which we know he’s capable of delivering.
Michael Myers wouldn’t even be the first person Pubert killed as his young age. Debbie Jellinsky, as a serial killer known nationally as the “Black Widow,” was on a murderous rampage that nearly took the entire Addams family in one fell swoop. That is, until Pubert managed to electrocute her until nothing remained of her but ashes and some gaudy jewelry. He’s killed one serial killer, what’s one more?
Michael Myers Wouldn’t Kill A Baby
Michael Myers is a mass-murdering evil bastard, but despite the absolutely horrific things he’s done, fans have noticed he does have a weakness. This was pretty clearly exposed in 2018's Halloween when Myers found himself beside the crib of a baby and kept on moving without killing it. This isn’t the first time Myers showed relative apathy towards a child, in the sense that he doesn’t feel the need to kill them like he does most humans.
Director David Gordon Green passed the buck when asked why Michael did this, but there’s a healthy amount of debate from fans on whether Myers doesn’t kill children because he doesn’t view them as a threat and if he would if he did. I guess this somewhat complicates the idea that he wouldn’t attempt to kill Pubert if he knew he was dealing with a super baby, but does it really matter? The hesitation would be all Pubert needs to end this fight before it began, and there would be no sequel once he was done.
Addams Family Values, featuring the cold-blooded Pubert Addams, is available to stream right now with a Paramount+ subscription. Of course, anyone looking to stream Halloween Ends will find it with their Peacock Premium subscription. Perhaps someone who has both can host a double-feature and decide for themselves who would win this epic throwdown.
