Tom Hanks has been America's Dad for a long time now, and like many fathers, he was pretty wild in his early years. Hanks is known for playing a lot of wholesome characters, but it hasn't always been that way, as many of his early roles were definitely not that, but they did provide some hilarious quotes, so here are our favorites.
"I Could Be A Totally Changed Person By The Time We Finish Lunch!" - Bachelor Party
Rick Gassko, Hanks' character in Batchelor Party, is a hero to the slacker generation also known as Gen X. He's the ultimate cool slacker and nothing highlights that better than when he eats lunch with his rich, soon-to-be father-in-law who is critical of Rick's life choices. After being given a list of things he needs to change, Rick thinks it could all happen by the afternoon.
"She's Really Hungry" - Splash
Splash is a classic fish-out-of-water tale, literally. While John Candy may be a scene-stealer in the movie, Hanks still has some great moments. As Madison (Daryl Hannah) learns the ways of the surface world, she brings some of her old habits with her, like eating a whole lobster, shell and all. People at the nearby tables look on, shocked, so Allen (Hanks) explains that she's just hungry.
"It May Not Be Miller Time, But It Is Vanilla Time." - Family Ties
Tom Hanks did a lot of TV work in the early days, including a fantastic guest run on Family Ties as the kids' Uncle Ned. Ned, it seems, is a drinker and the Hanks portrayal is over-the-top and hilarious. One night, the house is out of everything to drink, so Ned settles on raiding the pantry and finds some vanilla.
"OK, But I Get To Be On Top." - Big
It's a good idea not to think too deeply about what's really happening in Big when Josh (Hanks) is on his date with Susan (Elizabeth Perkins), especially after the date, when they are back at Josh's apartment. Josh is talking about his bunk bed, while Susan is thinking of something else completely.
"All My Life I've Been Waiting For Someone And When I Find Her, She's A Fish." - Splash
All Allen in Splash wants is a regular relationship with a regular woman. When he thinks he's found that, it all comes undone when he discovers Madison's secret. It's something we can all relate to, right? Okay, maybe not.
"WE'RE THE LUNATICS. US. IT'S NOT THEM. IT'S US!" - The 'Burbs
Hanks' character, Ray Peterson, in The 'Burbs tries his best to stay calm when he's around his crazy neighbors, but it turns out, he's just as crazy. After he blows up the suspicious neighbor's house, covered in burns, Ray loses it and sees himself and his neighbors for just what they are, the lunatics in the suburbs. Or were they?
"Here Lies Walter Fielding. He Bought A House And It Killed Him." - The Money Pit
Tom Hanks is great at playing a guy who holds everything in until he finally just snaps. Walter Fielding in The Money Pit is the perfect example. The house that he and his girlfriend buy as a fixer-upper is slowly killing him and their relationship, something Walter doesn't fail to notice in this quote.
"There’s A Ton Of Chicks Who Would Rather Go Out With The The Roadies Than With The Band." - Saturday Night Live
The star is a member of the prestigious Five-TImers Club, as someone who has hosted Saturday Night Live at least five times. Hanks actually ranks fourth all-time in total number of hosting appearances on the show, with 10. In one of those stints, he played Barry The Roadie in a Wayne's World sketch, explaining how great life can be on the road with Aerosmith,
"I Thought The Christian Science Reading Room Closed At 10." - Dragnet
Dragnet is an odd movie, but it has some legitimately laugh-out-loud moments between Hanks and his on-partner, Dan Aykroyd. It's a pretty standard buddy cop movie, with Hanks playing the role of the cutup, while Aykroyd plays the straight man. That means Hanks is busting Aykroyd's chops for most of it, including wondering what his partner does at night.
"There's No Crying In Baseball!" - A League Of Their Own
Jimmy Dugan in A League of Their Own is one of Tom Hanks' best roles and it produced one of his most iconic lines. While Dugan is full of smart-aleck remarks, it's this one, about crying, that has transcended the movie and become part of the American vernacular.
"I'm Gonna Go Do Something Productive. I'm Gonna Go Watch TV." - The 'Burbs
It's safe to say that at the beginning of The 'Burbs Ray Peterson (Hanks) is not as enthusiastic about spying on the odd neighbors as his other friends in the neighborhood. It fact, he finds it pretty boring and says something we all think to ourselves when we're bored: let's go watch some TV.
"I AM NOT A FISH!" - Splash
One of the more poignant moments in Splash comes when Madison and Allen are together in a big water tank after she is captured. Right before Madison is lowered in, though, the image of Hanks alone in the tank, yelling at whomever is listening (no one seems to be), that he is not, in fact, a fish, is hilarious.
"Look Out For That Bump! Don't You Remember Those Films They Showed Us In High School? Red Asphalt! Blood On The Highway!" - Dragnet
Dragnet may be based on a Baby Boomer TV show from the 1950s, but its humor is aimed squarely at Generation X. Nothing is more Gen X than reminding everyone of the weird public safety film kids were forced to endure in school in the '70s and '80s. Steebeck begs Friday to slow down with just such a reminder.
"Lord, I'd Just Like To Thank You For That Waitress In South Bend, You Know Who She Is, She Kept Calling Your Name." - A League Of Their Own
Tom Hanks' role in A League of Their Own is crass and disparaging and that is never more evident than this part of a prayer he recites before a game. He's a drinker and, as they would have said at the time, a carouser. He's also, it turns out, a misogynist and a boor.
"Sort Of Like Your Aftershave" - Dragnet
Dragnet might not be one of the Hanks movies we've all seen, but it's got some great lines. When Streebeck and Friday investigate the theft of chemicals that, when mixed, create a deadly gas, the chemical expert explains how the gas would burn a person's eyes, throat, and everything else. Streebeck turns to Friday and tells him it's just like his choice of aftershave.
"It's 'Bonanza.'" - Splash
In Splash, Madison has a hard time understanding not only humans' ways but their emotions. At one point, Allen finds her crying in front of the television, as she is overcome with her emotions. Much to Allen's dismay, Madison isn't watching anything you'd expect to cause such a response.
"Hear About That Guy Up In The Bronx? Just Went Crazy, Thought He Was A Pigeon. They Found Him In The Park Throwing Breadcrumbs At Himself." - The Money Pit
This is a great joke on a couple of levels. One, Walter in The Money Pit is going pretty crazy himself, but it's also just a great little Vaudeville-type joke with a setup and a punchline. It just works.
"Why Don't You Get An Organ Grinder, I Could Do A Little Dance" - A League Of Their Own
One reason Jimmy Duggan was hired as manager of the Peaches was as a publicity stunt. While Jimmy doesn't want to be there at all, he really doesn't want to be a dancing monkey, which owner Walter Harvey wants. This is Jimmy's response to Walter asking him to wave to the crowd. It's a little extreme.
"I've Been Blown Up, Take Me To The Hospital." - The 'Burbs
After he blows up his neighbors' house, Ray continues his freak out, begging to be taken to the hospital and taking it upon himself to first lay on an ambulance gurney, then get and put the gurney in the back of the ambulance himself. It's an A+ freak out in a movie filled with great ones.
"I'm Up At The Caesar Mansion And I'm Surrounded By Pagans! You Need To Send In Reinforcements! They Have A Small Army Up Here!" - Dragnet
Any line that includes the words "I'm Surrounded By Pagans" deserves to be said out of context over and over again. It's such a brilliant non-sequitur! That it comes from a textbook freakout by Hanks only makes it funnier.
"You've Never Passed A Bar In Your Life." - The Money Pit
Walter and his wife Anna, played by Shelley Long, get nastier and nastier to each other as the The Money Pit goes on. In one particular dark moment in the middle of an argument, Walter hits below the belt with this shot at Anna's supposed drinking problem. It's a real scorcher.
"Well, At Least Your Wrist Will Be Smooth And Kissable" - Bachelor Party
Sure, making fun of an electric razor's advertising line might be a little dated, but what a hilarious observation to make when Rick finds a party-goer threatening to slit his wrists with the electric razor. Straight out of a Madison Avenue think tank.
"I Was In The Toilet Reading My Contract..." - A League Of Their Own
It turns out Jimmy was so desperate for a job that he didn't realize that he gets a bonus if the Peaches win the World Series. Luckily, he had some down time to finally read it and now he's motivated to win. He may not have cared before, and he still doesn't like what he's doing, but at least he wants to win and that has to count for something!
"You Will, Once He Sees Your Haircut." - Dragnet
Joe Friday's haircut is the victim of a few jokes in Dragnet and Hanks' Streebeck is one of the people that appreciates the high 'n tight coif the least. When Friday evokes God in a conversation and mentions he doesn't hear Him laughing, Streebeck retorts quickly with this gem of an insult.
"This Is What You Can Do If You've Got Thumbs!" - Turner & Hooch
Turner & Hooch isn't Tom Hanks' best movie, but it does deliver some pretty funny moments as his Detective Scott Turner argues with a dog for pretty much the entire movie. At one point, he has to rub it in that without thumbs, the dog will always be limited in his abilities.
"What's So Fun About Playing With A Building? That's Not Any Fun" - Big
This one is both funny and true. Sometimes, you need to see things through the eyes of a child, like Hanks' character Josh in Big. While the adult execs in the room think the idea of a Transformer-type robot turning into a building is a slam dunk, 12-year-old Josh breaks down how silly the idea really is. No one wants to play with a building.
"You Stink, You're Lousy, You're Only The Best Player In The League!" - A League Of Their Own
It's hard to tell when Jimmy is being sincere and when he's not (he's usually not), but in this moment, as he talks to Dottie (Geena Davis), he seems to be his usual insulting self, but adding on that despite all her supposed shortcomings in his eyes, she's still the best player in the league.
"A Few Minutes Ago The Care Bears Were Here." - The Money Pit
Walter is definitely losing his mind when Anna comes home after days away to find him stuck in a hole in the money pit of a house they bought together. He's been there so long, he's starting to hallucinate, seeing the Care Bears and who knows what else.
"This Is The Food Prison Riots Are Made Out Of." - Bachelor Party
Rick in Bachelor Party doesn't do much right, and that includes cooking, and even he can admit it. In fact, it's so bad, that even prisoners would hate it.
"So, How 'Bout Those Knicks?" - Splash
When Allen finally gets Madison to say her name in her native language, he gets way more than he bargins for, in public no less. The only way to respond to the shocked on-lookers after Madison screams was to ask about the local NBA team.
"These Are Simple Rules. No Barking, No Growling, You Will NOT Lift Your Leg To Anything In This House." - Turner & Hooch
Turner (Hanks), like all new dog owners, has a few rules for Hooch. Rules he soon learns Hooch doesn't care about, but you can't blame a guy for trying.
"You've Got A Lot Of Repressed Feelings, Don't You, Friday? Must Be What Keeps Your Hair Up." - Dragnet
Streebeck's insults about Friday's hair never get old, and this one is a doozy, not only taking a shot at his hair but Friday's psyche as well.
"My Best Sport Is Video Hockey." - Big
Just like a lot of kids in his era, Josh's best sport isn't a sport at all, as is pointed out to him. It does take hand-eye coordination, though, so that has to count for something!
Yes, it's true, Tom Hanks is a national treasure, and it's nice to know that all Americans can at least agree on that one thing, when we disagree over everything else. Even very early in his career, he was making us laugh.
