Among the best movies of the 1990s is one that is also especially memorably and iconically quotable. I am, of course, talking about Clueless. Amy Heckerling’s 1995 teen comedy takes us into the privileged life of Alicia Silverstone’s Cher Horowitz, a teenager who’s full of good intentions, but severely lacking in any kind of clue. I had a blast revisiting the decades-old movie to seek out some of the best, most iconic and memorable quotes from the film, so let’s get into it!
"So, ok, you're probably going, 'Is this like a Noxzema commercial, or what?!' But I seriously have a way normal life for a teenage girl."
Cher might be clueless in many ways, but she knows just what her life looks like from the outside. And that’s, well, a Noxzema commercial (an appropriate comparison for the time period, anyway), complete with young, beautiful and well-dressed teens without a blemish in sight.
"Well, at least I wouldn't skin a collie to make my backpack." Dionne, "It's faux!" Cher
It becomes clear immediately that Cher and Dionne (Stacey Dash) are the kind of BFFs who aren’t above or beneath giving each other a hard time over their fashion choices. In this case, Cher comments on Dionne’s Dr. Seuss-ish hat, and Dionne notes the furriness of Cher’s backpack (but it’s fine, because it’s faux!)
"I totally paused!"
More than once throughout the movie we get a strong indication that Cher’s not the best driver, and this scene is early proof. When Dionne points out that Cher missed a stop sign, Cher insists that she “totally paused,” which I"m not sure she did, but even if she did, does "totally pause" count?
"Ugh, as if!"
You didn’t think we were going to go through the best quotes from Clueless and not get what has to be Alicia Silverstone’s most iconic line in the movie. When she’s approached by some random guy who thinks he has a chance with her, she promptly shoves him away, and responds with the perfect line.
"And in conclusion, may I please remind you, it does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty!"
Upon delivering a persuasive speech about how America should certainly be able to “party with the Haiteeans,” Cher puts a cherry on top of her speech by pointing out that there is no RSVP required from the Statue of Liberty.
"Whatever."
Ah, “whatever.” The ‘90s certainly didn’t invent the word, but if there’s a decade that could be credited for normalizing usage of the exclamation as a sentence in and of itself — a sentence that says exactly the right amount of everything and nothing in a single word — it’s the 1990s. And Amber’s “whatever” is emphasized further by her making a “W” gesture with her fingers.
"The way I feel about the Rolling Stones is the way my kids are gonna feel about Nine Inch Nails, so I really shouldn't torment my mom anymore, huh."
Decades later, I want to argue that the point Travis considers about how his kids might someday feel about Nine Inch Nails the way he feels about The Rolling Stones isn’t apt because Nine Inch Nails is still cool all these years later… but then I start to doubt if I even know what kids think is cool these days. Nine Inch Nails is still cool… right? Regardless, this random line always cracks me up because Travis delivers it in response to nothing relevant in debate class, as though this is what he’s been thinking about for the last hour.
"Well, some teachers are trying to lowball me Daddy, and I know how you say never accept a first offer, so I figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations."
Cher proves she’s undoubtedly her father’s daughter when she informs her dad that her report card isn’t ready yet. Turns out, she’s negotiated better grades for herself every other semester so far, and she still has some work to do before she can present him with her official grades.
"Duh, it's like a famous quote!" Cher. "From where?" Dionne. "Cliff's notes." Cher.
Just as it seems like Cher’s about to earn some points for using a romantic quote for the note she’s sneaking into Miss Geist’s (Twink Caplan) mailbox on behalf of Mr. Hall (Wallace Shawn), she reveals the source to Dionne, which for her was apparently Cliff’s Notes.
"This is so unexpected, I didn't even have a speech prepared."
We see Mr. Hall put up with quite a bit in his debate class. At one point, that includes Travis coming to the front of the class to accept his non-award for having the most tardies in the class, which he credits to his parents, the L.A. city bus driver, and the workers at McDonald’s, who are among the many people who contributed to his tardiness in some way or another.
"Two permits do not equal a license."
After Cher confirms to her father that it is possible to get a ticket without having a license, he makes sure she’s aware that she can’t be out driving with just a learner’s permit, even if she’s with her friend who also has a learner’s permit. Cher apparently has to be told that two permits do not equal one license.
"What's the point? Everywhere you go has valet."
Cher has decided that learning to park isn’t necessary, since everywhere she’s going probably offers valet parking. It’s not the worst logic in the world, but then again, when she fails her drivers test later in the movie, not being able to park is one of numerous infractions listed by the instructor, so...
"Old people can be so sweet!"
The older I get, the more hilarious this line becomes to me, especially considering neither Miss Geist nor Mr. Hall are that old. As Cher and Dionne watch the teachers hit it off from afar, they’re both obviously smitten by the “old people” they’ve brought together.
"I couldn't be happier than if they were based on real grades."
It’s impossible for Mel not to be proud of his daughter when she shows him her adjusted report card, which reveals a vast improvement from her original grades. This was not due to retaking tests or getting extra credit, but from simply talking her way to better marks.
"Miss Stoeger, that machine is just a lawsuit waiting to happen!"
Cher’s clearly a lawyer’s daughter, as proven by her response when the tennis ball machine launches a ball at her face, and all she can think about is the lawsuit that’s bound to happen as a result of such a device.
"Cher, she is toe-up. Our stock would plummet"
Among the stars of the Clueless cast is Brittany Murphy, who arrives in the film as Tai, another clueless teen who’s in desperate need of a makeover. And while Cher immediately sees a project she wants to take on, Dionne has sincere concerns about what association with this new girl might do to her and Cher’s social stock.
"Wow, you guys talk like grownups"
It takes a bit for Tai to learn the ropes at her new school, but one thing that clearly blows her away is how the kids at this school talk to each other -- like grownups.
"I hope not sporadically!"
Tai proves she’s willing to grow and change when Cher advises her to work on her vocabulary, and Tai uses the first opportunity she has to work “sporadically” into a sentence upon meeting Josh. She nails it… kind of.
"Get out of my chair!"
If Mean Girls had Amy Poehler as the “cool mom,” then Clueless had Dan Hedaya as the mean dad, because — unlike Regina George’s mom — Mel Horowitz is in no way trying to impress his daughter’s friends. In fact, the first time he meets Tai, she’s sitting in his chair at the dinner table, and he immediately barks an order to her to get out of it.
"Say Ambular. Was that you going through my laundry?"
Elisa Donovan’s Amber is the ultimate frenemy of the group, as evidenced by the way Cher approaches her the moment Tai points out that Amber is wearing the same dress Cher recently wore.
"What am I gonna do with you now?! And right before the yearbook pictures. What am I gonna tell my grandchildren?!"
While Clueless is undoubtedly a comedy, that doesn’t mean there isn’t any drama. Dionne and Murray (Donald Faison) have a major spat at the party when Dionne finds her boyfriend having his head shaved. And right before the yearbook photos! Nightmare.
"I'm having a Twin Peaks experience."
All Cher wants to do is do was fix Tai up with Elton (Jeremy Sisto), and she thought she had everything worked out for it to happen, until it all comes crumbling down. Cher can only describe this mess as a Twin Peaks experience, particularly when she realizes that the whole time, Elton has been interested in her and not Tai.
"And then this guy with a gun held me up and took my money and my phone and he yelled at me and he forced me to ruin my dress."
It isn’t how upset Cher is that she was recently mugged that gets me every time in this scene. She has every right tone traumatized after being left in a parking lot, and held at gunpoint. It’s that she doesn’t seem to lose it over the situation when relaying it to Josh over the phone until she gets to the part where the guy forced her to ruin her dress.
"Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn't say that. That Polonius guy said it."
Cher may not always be caught up on what’s going on, but she knows her Mel Gibson movies, which is how she spots Josh’s girlfriend’s inaccuracy when the woman tries to use a quote from Hamlet, and attributes the line to the title character, rather than Polonius.
"You see how picky I am about my shoes, and they only go on my feet."
When Cher and her friends are discussing her lack of romantic experience with guys, she makes a reasonable argument that she’s just being selective. After all, if she’s as picky as she is about what goes on her feet, shouldn’t she be even more discerning when it comes to guys?
"If anything happens to my daughter, I've got a 45 and a shovel. I doubt anybody would miss you."
It’s evident from the start that Mel is unimpressed with Christian (Justin Walker), and he also makes it very clear that he has no qualms about disappearing the youth if anything were to happen to his daughter.
"She's a full-on Monet."
Is it the nicest thing in the world that Cher would describe Amber as a “full-on Monet” when trying to cheer Tai up when she sees Elton dancing with Amber? No, it’s not. But using the impressionist painter’s style as a way to describe a person — “from far away it’s ok, but up close it’s a big old mess.” — is probably smarter than a petty insult has any right to be.
"You're getting onto the freeway!"
While distracted by conversation while practicing driving, Dionne makes the unfortunate mistake of accidentally driving onto the freeway, which immediately sparks chaos between Murray, Cher and herself as they veer into traffic. Murray tries to coach Dionne behind the wheel until they can finally get off the busy road, but for a few minutes this movie is a thriller.
"Should I write them a note?"
It’s probably when she almost hits the bicyclist that Cher officially fails her road test, but she’s not done making mistakes at that point, as she later clips a mirror, and then cringes as she suggests leaving a note.
"Why am I even listening to you to begin with? You're a virgin who can't drive."
Way harsh is right! After Cher fails to show support for Tai when she suggests trying to date Josh, Tai lobs this double-burn of an insult mere minutes after learning Cher failed her drivers test. Ouch.
"Oh my god! I love Josh!"
It takes a lot of walking and some shopping for Cher to come to the realization that she’s in love with Josh (Paul Rudd). Who saw it coming?! The lights coming on behind the fountain at the moment of this epiphany really seals the scene.
"Daddy, some people lost all their belongings, don't you think that includes athletic equipment?"
In her effort to do some good for people who need it, Cher volunteers to help with the Pismo Beach disaster relief, and she’s not just rallying support. She’s also donating some of her own stuff, which includes athletic equipment, which is undoubtedly needed, right?
