With the debut of Disney’s live-action Cinderella comes a new, more notorious version of a classic Disney villain, the wicked stepmother. Cate Blanchett looks deliciously devilish in the role that puts all those abusive parents on Law and Order to shame. However, this callous and bitter widow would not last more than a few weeks behind bars. In fact, when compared to other baddies who’ve wreaked havoc in classic Disney fare, surviving the slammer doesn’t seem like it’s in the cards for her.
All Disney villains end up getting what’s coming to them, otherwise they wouldn’t be Disney villains. If all these classic criminals went from the Mouse House to the big house, which ones would thrive in prison life, and which ones wouldn’t last the night? Imagining that there is such a thing as "Disney Prison" — which is totally a great idea for a new Disney Channel original series. Here’s how your favorite baddies would handle prison living, ranked from cellblock grunt to king of the yard.
11. Queen of Hearts, Alice in Wonderland
Pros: The Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland is ruthless. She wields her royal scepter with as much grace as a paraplegic ballet dancer, but she’s been able to stay on her throne for a reason. She’s capable of making the hard choices, even when that means forcing flamingos into being her new croquet mallets. If red didn’t look so good on her, PETA would’ve thrown their entire supply of red paint on her already.
Cons: She may be villainous, but compared to the other baddies of Disney fame, she’s not all that menacing. Yes, she has an army and an entire kingdom as her plaything, but she doesn’t seem to have any unique quality that would benefit her when all that glamor and prestige is swept away. Who would she be able to rally to her side in prison?
Overall Result: We’d be shocked if she lasted more than a day without her precious tarts.
10. Wicked Stepmother, Cinderella
Pros: Cinderella’s mean, old (emphasis on the old) stepmother is a heartless creature with practically zero capacity for human emotion. When Cinderella’s father dies, she doesn’t waste a minute in convincing the girl, in the most tragic of hours, that she’s not the lady of the house, but a wretched servant who’s only good for scraping the gum off of her shoes. It may seem like she loves her girls, but does she? She knows they’re not all that great to look at, and she tries slutting them out to the Prince in order for herself to move up the social ladder. Though she has no hope of succeeding — I mean, look at her daughters — she knows how to manipulate those around her into getting what she wants, even at the expense of a little girl’s well being.
Cons: Take away all her social influence and she’s left with nothing. If it came down to her and her daughters, Drizella and Anastasia would turn on their mother in a heartbeat. They are just as spoiled as their upbringing would suggest. The wicked stepmother also hasn’t lifted a finger her entire life, relying on the forced manual labor of others. It’s hard to imagine her lifting weights in the prison courtyard. If she was forced to scrub floors, lift anything heavier than a caviar-laden cracker or work in the kitchens, all that bacteria she has spent her life avoiding would probably kill her way before the physical fatigue.
Overall Result: The most the wicked stepmother could hope for in prison is to emerge a stronger and perhaps more wicked woman. But the odds just are not in her favor.
9. Cruella De Ville, 101 Dalmatians
Pros: Ms. De Ville is the Anna Wintour of the Disney movies. She has fought to reach the top of the fashion industry. Good luck to anyone who gets in her way, as she’ll do whatever it takes to obtain her precious furs. The mere image of her strikes fear in our hearts. The main difference between her and the real Wintour is, obviously, how she directly kidnaps puppies with the intention of skinning them for their soft fur. Cruella knows what she wants, and generally stops at nothing until she obtains it.
Cons: De Ville is accustomed to the finer things in life, especially fine fashions. (Someone should tell her that Orange Is the New Black!) As a result, her figure is modeled after the fashion models of the top fashion magazines — anorexically slim. Someone get this woman a cheeseburger ‘cause her bones are about to crumble under the weight of gravity.
Overall Result: We would pay big bucks to see Cruella De Ville attempt to survive prison. She’d most likely pass out from cigarette withdrawals before anything else.
8. Gaston, Beauty and the Beast
Pros: He may not have the brains, but Gaston has the brawn. If you didn’t get this from watching the first 15 minutes of Beauty and Beast, he takes pride in his biceps and washboard abs. He’s even proved that he can deadlift a bar bench topped with three adult women over his head. It’s almost as if he’s campaigning to be "The Situation" and Pauly D’s new BFF. His muscle would hopefully be enough to scare at least the more-dimwitted prison mates into backing off, for the time being.
Cons: In addition to the "gym" part of GTL, Gaston also prizes "laundry," meaning he always looks his best. (He hasn’t mastered the T. But what the guy has in crustiness, he makes up for in Italian-grade chest hair.) While the standard orange jumpsuit won’t go over well with this guy, his pretty boy looks are going to prove to be a disadvantage. How can we put this delicately? He’ll probably be really popular in prison.
Overall Result: The term jailbait seems to fit Gaston nicely.
7. Snow White’s Evil Queen, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
Pros: You don’t wanna mess with the Evil Queen. Knowing her, she’d probably position herself as the cafeteria lady of the prison and poison everyone who rubbed her the wrong way. What’s the saying in the food business? Don’t piss off the people who prepare your food. Poison apples aside, though, she’s a pro at offing someone without incriminating herself. If it wasn’t for that damn huntsman outing her, she would’ve remained in the clear after poisoning Snow White. She’s also a master of disguise, though in this situation, where she would already be imprisoned, that attribute might not help all that much.
Cons: There’s no magic mirror in prison to keep boosting her ego, and there’s no one to tell her just how fair she is… well, we all saw what happened when she realized there was one person more beautiful than she. Ego aside, she’s not that physically capable. We saw how the seven dwarfs chased her up to a mountaintop before she fell to her death. Granted, the Queen didn’t pick the most agile form at the time, but this proves that she quite literally falls to pieces when people confront her directly about their problems. Not the best thing to flaunt when you’re in prison and trying to avoid getting shanked in the hallways.
Overall Result: With no magic mirror, she’ll have to grow eyes in the back of her head. She'll last longer than some, but not as long as most.
6. Captain Hook, Peter Pan
Pros: We always hear of prison shankings — or, to be more accurate, that’s what TV dramas tell us happens in the slammer — but Captain James Hook has his own built-in shank. Though it may seem like the infamous pirate of Neverland couldn’t handle himself when placed in a prison environment, we have to remember his exceptional fighting skills. He has stood toe-to-toe with Peter Pan, who already has the advantage of being able to fly circles around the bumbling villain. But he’s gotten the upper hand a few times in the past, like when he ambushed the Lost Boys at their secret hideaway, and when he tricked Tinkerbell into giving up the gang’s secrets.
Cons: Despite his strengths, Hook turns into a blundering mess when he hears anything remotely sounding like a clock, or sees a pair of beady eyes poking up from the water. That’s when he most needs Mr. Smee to come in and be his therapist. Maybe he could slowly work through his issues with a prison psychiatrist, but it would be a long and arduous task. Perhaps an insane asylum would be better suited to his needs.
Overall Result: He’s got a mean right hook — literally — but his mental issues might be a bit much if and when he’s left in solitary confinement.
5. Scar, The Lion King
Pros: Scar was the bane of Simba and Mufasa’s existence, but the man knows how to manipulate. Patience is a virtue, and the brother that nobody ever wanted knows this all too well. He bided his time while he quietly banded together his hyena forces so that he could eventually take over Pride Rock. He waited for the perfect moment to slay his brother without earning the suspicious gazes of the lionesses. Backed with his incredible lion strength and claws, this made him one terrifying menace.
Cons: Scar has never liked sharing. He didn’t want his brother being on the throne of Pride Rock, so he did away with him. He didn’t like how his nephew was going to one day walk in his father’s footsteps, so he tried to do away with him, too. But in prison, he would need to lighten up a bit on this selfish demeanor. Otherwise his cell mate might beat some sense into him... especially if they both want the top bunk.
Overall Result: The other inmates will no doubt avoid a catfight with this baddie, just as long as he doesn’t tick off someone twice his size.
4. Maleficent, Sleeping Beauty
Pros: If anyone managed to somehow imprison one of the most famous evil enchantresses of the Disney universe, we’d be shocked. This is hypothetical situation. Still, Maleficent has all the powers of hell at her disposal, which includes transforming herself into a giant fire-breathing dragon. The warden would need one massive cage to contain her various shapes.
Cons: Angelina Jolie’s rendition of the sorceress was able to perform various magical tasks without her glowing staff. This puts the animated version of Maleficent at a bit of a disadvantage. Take away her staff, which any prison staffer would do upon inducting her into the big house, and she has no main weapon. Perhaps she could find some way to maneuver those horns of hers?
Overall Result: Staff or no, Maleficent is a pretty fearsome criminal. She pretty much bathes in green fire, so prison would be a walk in the park for her.
3. Ursula, The Little Mermaid
Pros: Nobody could get the jump on Ursula in prison. Her tentacles are like a pack of 360-degree watchdogs. Given her notorious form, you’d be hard pressed to find anyone in jail who would even think of messing with her. And if anyone tried to speak up against her, she would silence them by stealing their voice. She also has proven shapeshifting abilities, as well. Though we haven’t seen her transform into a dragon, she has more than quadrupled her size and transformed herself into a human on at least one occasion.
Cons: In prison, Ursula would be a fish out of water — with specific emphasis on the water. Unless there was an aquarium holding cell for this Octomom, she’d probably have to rely on some of her other human forms to get around. We can’t imagine tentacles work all that well on land.
Overall Result: Ursula could definitely hold her own in prison. If her top half ran into issues, she has eight tentacles ready to hold herself up and fend off troublemakers.
2. Jafar, Aladdin
Pros: Jafar went from lowly advisor to the Sultan to a sorcerer to a genie over the course of a single movie. The man has ambition, and knows how to fulfill his goals. Now in his genie form, he has nearly infinite powers, though he’s bound by the genie code. As such, he’s accustomed to living in the cramped space of his lamp for long periods of time — which are more like years in between. A prison cell might actually be a more spacious change for him.
Cons: Often times, Jafar’s ambition gets the better of him in that he forgets to read the fine print. That was the biggest mistake of his life when he was quickly cuffed and shackled to his lamp after ascending to genie status.
Overall Result: Jafar already has been trapped in an "itty bitty living space." If there’s one person who can handle solitary confinement, it’s this guy.
1. Hades, Hercules
Pros: Out of all the villains to ever rampage through a Disney movie, Hades is the likeliest to survive prison. Setting aside the fact that he’s an immortal deity, he essentially was the warden of his own prison before Hercules pummeled him down that glowing green sewer of souls. He knows the ins and outs of prison life and how to handle himself in a fight. And nobody would mess with him while in the can, because we all know what a hot temper he has.
Cons: There aren’t that many cons when pondering whether or not the Lord of the Underworld could survive a prison sentence. Even if someone managed to blow out his fiery hair, Hades still has razor sharp teeth that he could use to whittle some sort of shank and Shawshank it out of there early.
Overall Result: Hades lives in hell every day…literally. Prison can’t be worse than that.
