Humor has always been a huge part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe brand and is an expected part of every upcoming Marvel movie, but expectations are high for hilarity in the franchise to increase tenfold in the coming years with the introduction of Ryan Reynolds’ Wade Wilson and hopefully an endless torrent of memorable Deadpool quotes. Those expectations were are set pre-MCU by the fact that both Deadpool and Deadpool 2 (both available to stream with a Disney+ subscription or a Hulu subscription) are laugh-out-loud funny movies, and the release of Deadpool & Wolverine kept the zippy and hilarious lines coming.
To celebrate the absolute hilarity of Deadpool, we’ve put together this feature celebrating the character’s most gut-busting lines – which you can effortlessly hear in your head with Ryan Reynolds’ excellent timing and delivery.
Deadpool
"Bad Deadpool... Good Deadpool!"
Possessing only 12 bullets to take down a cadre of armed bad guys, managing to waste a few on a slippery motorcyclist is certainly not Deadpool's best moment in the movie, but the good news is that he makes up for that mistake fairly quickly with two deadly headshots.
"Dad?"
It can't be explained why feeling up Colossus' chrome crotch makes Deadpool think of his father (and I don't ever want to know), but it certainly does make for an amazing start for the two characters' confrontation.
"If I ever decide to become a crime-fighting shit swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at Neverland Mansion with some creepy, old, bald, Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... on that day, I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request."
There are many epic, insult-filled rants on which Deadpool finds himself going in the movie, but the Merc With The Mouth's comparison between Professor X and Marshall Applewhite make this the best one in the movie.
"All the dinosaurs feared the T-Rex."
From now on, this will be my go-to phrase after smashing both of my hands punching a giant metal mutant in the face.
"McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines are confusing."
Given the way it completely ignores the way certain characters were developed in previous X-Men movies, it's only fitting that Deadpool would contain a perfect line about timeline generated-confusion.
"Ever see 127 Hours?"
Because of his healing powers and general insanity, nobody in the Marvel Universe fights quite like Deadpool. So what does he do when he gets manacled to an X-Man trying to take him in? Of course he saws off his hand and leaves it flipping the bird.
"I want to die a natural death at the age of 102 - like the city of Detroit."
One can imagine fans up in Michigan taking a bit of issue with this particular line of dialogue, but that doesn't stop it from being a really great line. Plus, Deadpool is notably Canadian, so does seem right to have him take some pot shots at one of America's less put together cities.
"Please don't make the super suit green... or animated!"
Green Lantern gets a quick shout out in the Deadpool's opening sequence, but it feels like it's when entering The Workshop that Ryan Reynolds is legitimately able to air his grievances about his experience making live-action DC Comics movies. We're still trying wondering who thought it was a good idea to give the character a CGI costume.
"Fourth wall break inside of a fourth wall break? That's like... 16 walls!"
This line just got me thinking: exactly how deep can you take these fourth-wall breaks? Perhaps Deadpool 2 will be an Inception-esque investigation into exactly how far it can be taken.
"You're about to be killed by a Zamboni."
Admittedly this one is on the same glorious level as "Tell me where your boss is or you're going to die... in five minutes," so just take your pick from this particularly fantastic sequence.
"I bet it feels huge in this hand."
There are a good number of silly-but-great masturbation jokes in Deadpool, but this one takes the top spot if not just for the way Wade uses his baby hand to play with Blind Al's chin.
"Listen Al, if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. I also buried 1,600 kilos of cocaine somewhere in the apartment – right next to the cure for blindness. Good luck."
Given that she is technically his permanent hostage, the relationship between Deadpool and Blind Al is a fascinating one, and their bizarre dynamic is perfectly summed up in their last interaction in the film.
"It's a big house. It's weird I only ever see two of you. Almost like the studio couldn't afford another X-Man."
It's kind of a shame that Deadpool is the film that breaks the X-Men franchise streak of having Wolverine in every feature, but the fact that it means we get this hilarious line kind of makes it worth it.
"You were droning on!"
Colossus deserves a lot of credit for his patience. Most characters think of Deadpool as a lost cause, but he still believes Wade Wilson can be a real hero. Unfortunately for him, DP keeps proving just how wrong Colossus really is.
"You're still here? It's over. Go home! Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What are you expecting? Sam Jackson showing up in an eyepatch and a saucy little leather number? Go!"
Taking a shot at Marvel Studios while also perfectly recreating one of the best moments from one of the best fourth wall-breaking films of all time? Quite the perfect send-off for the first Deadpool movie.
Deadpool 2
"Passion of the Christ, then me – at least domestically. We beat them overseas, where there's no such thing as religion."
It’s only appropriate that Deadpool would make a fourth-wall-breaking comment about the box office success of his first movie, but the cherry on the sundae is comparing himself to Jesus (and it’s fitting that he later refers to himself as a god twice in the film).
"What am I supposed to do around here anyway? Sit in a share circle, talk about my feelings? And how would I do that, exactly, cause… where the fuck is everyone? It’s always just you and Negasonic Teenage Longest Name Ever."
It feels like it’s just not a Deadpool movie without a shout-out to the fact that barely any other mutants are seen around the X-Mansion. Of course, the great stinger to this bit is that the members of the X-Men are actively hiding from Wade.
"Oh, shit! That fucking does it. Put your hands on your knees and get down on your head now!"
This is Deadpool’s reaction to Firefist blasting Colossus, and while it’s a line that you may not properly register when you first watch the movie, it’s wonderful chuckle on rewatch. Obviously it’s a play on the standard police request to “put your hands on your head and get down on your knees,” but the image of anyone attempting Wade’s suggestion is delightful.
"You know something? A wise bully once said to me, ‘Speak up. I can’t hear you with that pity dick in your mouth.’"
“Speak up. I can’t hear you with that pity dick in your mouth” is a terrific line as delivered by Leslie Uggams’ Blind Al early in Deadpool 2, but the Merc With The Mouth’s decision to pass it off as sage wisdom to the enraged Firefirst turns out to be a massive mistake.
"I can’t protect you. With this collar on, my superpower is just unbridled cancer. Give me a bow and arrow and I'm basically Hawkeye."
There are a number of potshots taken at various superheroes in Deadpool 2, but this is most definitely a favorite. Hawkeye is kind of an easy target (no pun intended), but Wade is still able to strike with an effective zinger.
"And I'd like the McRib to be available year round, but sometimes dreams don't come true! I spent 10 years in Special Forces! You think we didn't jump out of the plane because of a light breeze? YOU'RE IN THIS SHIT NOW, MUSTACHE! [whispering] I’m only yelling to impress the other guys; I’d never let anything happen to you, sugar bear."
Deadpool is a sociopathic murderer with a moral code all his own, but there is no denying that he has a soft spot. Obviously he loves Vanessa, but he also has room in his heart for Dopinder and Blind Al, and in Deadpool 2, it’s Peter who, unlike all of the other X-Force members, earns DP’s affection.
"Seriously, I don't get it! What, you shoot luck lasers out your eyes? It's just, it’s hard to picture, and certainly not very cinematic. I mean, luck? What coked-out, glass pipe-sucking freakshow comic book artist came up with that little chestnut? Probably a guy who can't draw feet!"
One could say is that the ultimate breaking of the fourth wall is a character viciously roasting their creator, which is exactly what Deadpool is doing here. It’s aimed as a shot at the co-creator of Domino, but the comical ricochet is that Deadpool was imagined by the same artist: Rob Liefeld.
"You killed Black Tom, you racist son of a bitch!"
The running joke about Black Tom Cassidy’s name makes for a number of great lines (such as his superpower being cultural appropriation), but the best bit is the last one, as Deadpool laments his murder with a weird level of earnestness and further adds to the confusion about Tom’s race.
"Well, as Scoutmaster Kevin used to say... ‘There's a first time for everything, son.’ Give me your best shot, One-Eyed Willy."
This quote is a winner because it’s a two-fer. At the start, you get a tremendously dark joke that is intended to put Cable off his game, but then Deadpool sucker-punches with an out-of-left-field reference to Josh Brolin’s past in The Goonies.
"Oh my God! Juggernaut! I thought that was you! I should've worn my white pants."
Sequels to comedies can sometimes fall into a trap delivering the same jokes as their predecessor with slightly different angles, but I would call this an exception to what is generally an unfunny practice. While not highlighted above, the gag about “brown pants” in Deadpool is hysterical, and DP’s reaction to seeing Juggernaut serves as a terrific callback that is its own kind of gross.
"What's Juggernaut got that I don't have? Don't you say legs! I know you're gonna say legs!"
Of course, Firefist says legs. And as Deadpool responds, “It still hurts to hear out loud.”
"No, I'm sorry that you said that while making heavy eye contact and applying lip balm."
It is certainly quite a choice for Cable to reach into his fanny pack for some ChapStick before remarking that Deadpool reminds him of his wife… and Deadpool’s clinical observation of that fact gets a big laugh every time.
"And that is just the first five steps to a prostate-assisted orgasm."
The journey that Deadpool, Domino, Cable and Dopinder take to the X-Mansion is filled with ridiculous and wonderful banter, but it’s the line that opens the scene that my mind obsesses over. I want to know how the conversation came up and how Wade was actually able to get through five steps… but I also very much don’t want to know the answer to those questions.
"I made mistakes! I wanna take them back! You trusted me. I took that trust... and turned it into a glory hole in an airport bathroom. The one in Minneapolis. You know the one."
The charm of Deadpool is the fact that he just can’t help himself (again, the dude is totally nutter-butters). Even when he is being heartfelt and sincere, he can’t hold himself back from making some kind of disgusting, X-rated aside. It’s a big part of what makes him so loveable, violently insane as he may be.
"Can you see it? Do you see that beautiful bright light? There it is. [pause] Oh, that's the sun. Don't stare directly into that."
Deadpool’s multiple “deaths” at the end of the movie don’t have quite the comedic impact when you know he’s not actually dead and going to reanimate for some additional comments, but this line is my favorite of his many, many goodbyes.
Deadpool & Wolverine
"Look, we know the title of this thing so I know what you're wondering: how are we gonna do this without dishonoring Logan's memory? Well, I'll tell you how. We're not."
When Logan was released in 2017, Hugh Jackman felt it was a perfect ending to his run as Wolverine. Deadpool & Wolverine obviously canceled that specific retirement… and the film took advantage of the special opportunity to mock it.
"Is that supposed to be scary? Pegging isn't new for me, friendo. But it is for Disney."
It’s pretty crazy that we’ve reached an era when one of the biggest Disney movies of the year has a joke about pegging in it… but that’s where we are!
"I smell what you're stepping in. The power in the Marvel Universe is about to change forever. I am the Messiah. I am Marvel Jesus."
This is a great line for two reasons. For starters, it’s a jab at Dwayne Johnson and what turned out to be empty promises about Black Adam in the DC Extended Universe. The extra bonus is the commentary about Deadpool & Wolverine being released right when the MCU needs a big hit.
"Fucking A! Uh! It's perfect! F.Y.I.: your tailor is a predator, but I love it!"
The costuming montage features so much groping that it becomes ridiculous, and it turns out not to just be a crude visual gag – Wade Wilson also directly points to the fact that the tailor needs to attend some kind of TVA sexual harassment seminar.
"Welcome to the MCU. You're joining at a bit of a low point."
While the Marvel Cinematic Universe is arguably still the most popular blockbuster franchise in the world, the canon hasn’t been at its best in recent years, and it’s pretty amazing that Deadpool & Wolverine got the green light to directly point at that fact.
"One anchor being coming right up! On your left, babygirl! This Logan is the same – he can do anything, even musicals, look! And bonus: He's actually wearing a costume like he's not embarrassed to be in a superhero movie for once."
The fact that Logan finally wears his classic yellow and blue costume in Deadpool & Wolverine is one of its most wonderful qualities (and a detail that will be highlighted multiple times in this feature). It indeed always felt like the lack of colorful costumes in the X-Men movies came from a place of shame, and it’s funny that Deadpool would directly reference it.
"My brain could taste your fingers and they tasted like hate! And where in God's name is the intimacy coordinator?"
Cassandra Nova’s knack for sticking her entire hand inside a person’s head to make a psychic connection is gnarly as hell – but what sells this line is Ryan Reynolds’ commitment to Deadpool’s outrage about the violation.
"Fox killed him. Disney brought him back. They're gonna make him do this till he's 90."
It’s very likely that the Marvel Cinematic Universe will ultimately be populated with a new ensemble of actors portraying familiar X-Men characters… but the franchise is clearly having trouble letting go of Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, so would anyone really be shocked if the Australian star kept playing Logan until he was 90?
"This isn't a car! This is a Honda fuckin' Odyssey. Throttle response sucks a cock, dated infotainment system. When Honda saw that untreated chlamydia was making a comeback, they invented the Honda Odyssey to compete!"
Deadpool eventually comes around on the Honda Odyssey by the end of Deadpool & Wolverine, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard a car get so verbally eviscerated in a movie before, so I have to give credit where credit is due here.
[To Gambit] "Who is your dialect coach? The Minions?"
In the failed development of Channing Tatum’s Gambit movie, one big question lingered over the production wondering whether or not the star could actually provide the character with his traditional Cajun accent… and it’s hilarious that Deadpool repeatedly pokes fun at the way Remy LeBeau talks.
[To Blade] "You never did."
For those who don’t know their superhero movie history, Ryan Reynolds and Wesley Snipes didn’t exactly get along famously during the making of Blade Trinity, so the fact that Deadpool would respond to Blade’s “I don’t like you” with a “You never did” is meta gold.
"Want to talk about what's haunting you, or should we wait for a third act flashback?"
This line is funny for general “point at typical screenwriting structure” reasons, but I suppose the punchline is that Deadpool & Wolverine does indeed feature a third act flashback with its latter titular character – albeit one conjured by the psychic hands of Cassandra Nova.
"I made an educated wish!"
Admit it: you’re now wondering if you might ever be in a situation where you can excuse your actions by saying that you made an educated wish. Be honest with yourself!
"They call me 'The Merc with the Mouth.' They don't call me 'Truthful Timmy, the Blowjob Queen of Saskatoon!'"
Personally, I’m happy that they don’t call Wade Wilson “Truthful Timmy The Blowjob Queen of Saskatoon,” as that’s really hard to slip in as an alternative pronoun when you’re sick of writing “Deadpool” over and over again.
"Holy shit. You save the good stuff for special occasions?"
This is just Deadpool saying what we’re all thinking. Fans waited literal decades for Hugh Jackman to finally wear the Wolverine mask, and that special occasion finally arrived in Deadpool & Wolverine.
We don’t yet know exactly what the future holds for Deadpool in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but wherever he appears in the coming years, it’s a fair bet that he’ll say some very funny things, and this feature will continue to grow and grow.
