8 Spoilerific Reasons To Avoid Transformers 2

I covered the broad strokes in my review, but Revenge of the Fallen contains the kind of stupidity that just can't be properly expressed without spoilers. Besides, if you're already seen it, then you'll need catharsis. A way to vent your frustrations, someone to hold hands with and say: “I feel your pain!” Consider this therapy. A simple breakdown of 8 spoilerific reasons Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen really and truly sucks. Use the comments section if you'd like to share a few of your own.

Final warning: Here come the spoilers.

Sam Witwicky is a total dick. Seriously, a huge, huge dick. Remember that nice, unassuming, nerdy kid from the first movie whom we could all identify with? Now Sam has a hot girlfriend and he's pretty full of himself. For instance, when his house is under attack by a horde of evil, mini-transformers threatening to murder everyone, Sam screams for Bumblebee to leap out of hiding and save them. Loyal Bumblebee does, blasting the bad guys to smithereens. Unfortunately in order to stop them he has to demolish a tiny corner of Sam's house. They have insurance, small price to pay in order to save Sam's life right? Or not. Apparently Sam cares more about his gutters than the continued beating of his heart. He responds by telling Bumblebee to suck it before jetting off to college, where he immediately cheats on Kayla by making out with the first hot girl he encounters, only to get back with Kayla later so he can use her for machine-gun fodder. Yeah, this Sam Witwicky kid is an asshole.

Hoping we'll finally legalize Marijuana so your cancer ridden grandmother can get relief from the constant pain of her disease as she slowly stumbles towards a rotting, festering grave? Well it'll never happen if Michael Bay has his way. Hollywood has never been shy about mischaracterizing Marijuana as some sort of wild hallucinogen, but Revenge of the Fallen takes that horrible Hollywood stereotype even further. Sam's mother walks onto his college campus, immediately obtains a pot brownie, eats it, and then spends the next five minutes screaming and running around the school like some sort of crazed, psychotic loon. It's not just an annoying fabrication, it's a slander against legitimate cause of legalization. Save your cancer ridden grandmother! Boycott this brain dead bullshit.

I love Megan Fox as much as the next straight guy, but there has to be a better way to use her than this. For the sequel, Mikaela no longer has any reason to exist. They've reduce her to a pathetic, helpless, damsel in distress who follows Sam around like a lost puppy dog. What happened to the confident, in control, gear-head from the first film? You remember her? That take charge, unattainable girl who helped Sam get through tough situations with brains and determination? Now she's yet another bimbo groupie with too much cleavage and not enough gratuitously revealed midriff.

The most controversial characters in Revenge are two new Autobot twins named Skids and Mudflap. They talk with an odd accent and so as the media always does whenever someone in a movie speaks with anything other than standard WASP diction, they're crying racism. I don't get it. To me they sound like John Leguizamo meets Eminem not some horrible black stereotype. Besides they have buck teeth. If anything they're a walking, talking, Asian hate crime. The characters are a collection of every bad stereotype imaginable, not targeted at any one ethnicity. That's not racist, it's just stupid. More importantly, they're annoying. The Twins jabber endlessly while saying nothing, shoved repeatedly down our throats as a way to sell more toys to kids. It's a minor miracle that they were unable to figure out a way to get them both in backwards trucker hats. It's Poochie in robot form and worst of all, after being forced to suffer them for most of the film they're randomly abandoned in the last thirty minutes. I don't mind their absence but five seconds ago they were the entire focus of the script. Where the hell did Skids and Mudflap go? Tragically flushed down a Poochie plothole.

You've probably heard that one of the robots in the film has testicles (it does) and that most of the dialogue is a constant string of poop and fart jokes. That's bad enough, but Revenge of the Fallen's real low point comes about halfway through when one of the Decepticons, in addition to an annoying sense of humor, develops a libido. I realize Megan Fox is hot, but should she really be hot to robots? Even if Transformers reproduced sexually (which they don't) shouldn't they only be attracted solely to their own species? Watching a Transformer lust after Megan Fox is the real life equivalent of a human screwing his way through a cage full of guinea pigs while listening to the new album from Linkin Park. The parts don't fit together yet there we all were, on the night of June 22nd, in our seats, watching Megan Fox get humped by a horny Decepticon. At least she liked it.

He never actually shows up on screen, but in the world of Transformers 2 President Obama is mentioned as being somewhere off camera, totally hating on the transformers. If there's a secondary villain to the film, it's Obama, who wants to engage in addition by subtraction. His evil plan is to throw the Autobots off our planet in the hopes that where they go the Decepticons will follow. The guy he sends to carry out this dastardly deed is an even bigger dick than Sam Witwicky and, when Optimus dies he calls him a hunk of scrap metal. There's this weird undercurrent of pro-military, anti-Obama, conservative politics running through the entire movie from its mischaracterization of pot to bad guys who are only truly evil once they desecrate the flag. I'm all for political commentary in my movies, but maybe not this movie and maybe not from Michael Bay, a man best known for blowing shit up. That's why we have Michael Moore movies and whatever bullshit Kirk Cameron is up to, so we can enjoy Transformers without your talk radio bias. Obama's not just a Muslim, a terrorist, and god-hating socialist; he's also a Decepticon.

The first Transformers film appeared to establish, pretty definitively, that Decepticons cannot be hurt by bullets. Tyrese fired an entire armory's worth of ammunition into Megatron and it didn't bother him any more than a bee sting. The second movie solidifies that certainty with endless speeches about the how bad guys are invincible unless confronted with the almighty power of Optimus Prime. Unfortunately, even with this extensive evidence, the humans keep right on firing. The entire last half hour of the movie is composed entirely of human soldiers shooting Decepticons with machine guns. Thirty minutes of bullets firing… for no particular reason. How's that for exciting? Bizarrely, though they never sustain any damage and though they themselves know they can't be hurt by bullets, the Decepticons immediately take cover. Brilliant, Michael Bay logic. The plot doesn't matter, as long as he gets to show us his guns.

How much thought went into this script? I'd say none. This a movie in which, the bad guys intended to declare victory by killing themselves. Their plan is to blow up our Sun and collect Energon from the resulting explosion. Unfortunately their plan also requires them to be standing on planet Earth when everything goes Supernova. After they fill up their Energon supplies, their ashes will have all the energy they'll need to declare victory over the Autobots.