Few characters have gotten more shots at America’s movie theaters than that fat, jolly, present bringing fellow we call Santa Claus. He’s a critical part of celebrating the birth of Jesus, though no one seems to know why. Not that it matters, hey look at all the shiny presents!
For those of you who celebrate it, it’s the Christmas season, and that means it’s Santa time. To get in the right frame of mind for big red’s midnight round-the-world ride, I got out my naughty list and threatened to put the entire Cinema Blend staff on it unless they sat down round the old Yule log and came up with a list of the best movie Santas of all time. Some of the gang will be getting lumps of coal this year, but for those who managed to keep off my bad kids list, here’s the result. Our latest, official, CB Top 5.
Here’s our list of the greatest on screen Santas in cinematic history.
TOP 5 Santas
5. Jeff Gillen in A Christmas Story
FELIX FASQUEZ: This is a Santa I could have a drink with. He hated kids, wanted to do his job, and yet had enough sense to tell Ralphie that he'd shoot his eye out if given a BB Gun, and he was almost right. As Ralphie's only hope, this local Santa is that dysfunctional part of Ralphie's life who wasn't as cooperative as he'd hoped, and perfectly represented the last resort for every child on Christmas. "Mom and dad won't budge, but Santa will come through!" This Santa is that figure kids wouldn't want to experience but likely have at local stores and Macy's: The man whose costume doesn't fit, is too hot, and is disproportionate to his actual girth. Have a heart, you'd be crabby if you had hundreds of screaming kids sitting on your lap all day too.
ALEXANDRA CALAMARI: For once a movie that got it right; maybe the real Santa is a jolly bearded saint, but the disgruntled actors who play him at malls are no angels. Just check out Jeff Gillen's tapioca-hating Santa in A Christmas Story's and you'll know what I mean. When Ralphie Parker gets his chance on Santa's lap, he suddenly freezes up and is ushered down Santa's slide with the promise of a football. But when Ralphie makes a last-ditch climb to beg for a Red Ryder Air Rifle, Santa repeats the famous lines, "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." before giving Ralphie the boot, literally. After all, nothing says the Christmas spirit like kicking a little kid in the face.
4. Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa
FRANCK TABOURING: Although he doesn’t care about kids at all, humps women of all sizes in dressing rooms, drinks on the job and steals whatever he can lay a hand on, Billy Bob Thornton’s Santa in Terry Zwigoff’s Bad Santa is seriously hilarious. I understand that neither his behavior, nor his choice of language are appropriate for a Santa Claus, but Thornton plays his character so convincingly and with such fierce humor, it’s impossible not to break out in laughter. His profanity-laden vocabulary is hysterically funny, his posture priceless, and his various explanations of how things really go down at the North Pole are as memorable as movie quotes can get. I understand he doesn’t bring joy to the kids just asking for a present, but he definitely amuses every parent fed up with all the hype surrounding the yearly Christmas mania.
JOSH TYLER: Billy Bob Thornton’s drunken, womanizing, screwing Santa embodies everything about the human race that Christmas movies usually go out of their way to forget. Thornton’s character is an unredeemable scumbag who, even in his nicest moments is still a walking, talking, pile of human waste with elves who smell like a bum’s nut sack. If anything, he’s the anti-Santa, and after years of happy, ho-ho hoing fakers having Thornton stride on screen in a Santa hat and throw up on a kid is kind of a relief. It is his Santa that is perhaps most representative of what Santa would be if he really existed, bitter, worn out, and after years of looking at that dumpy old biddy wife of his, ready for a good screw in a changing room. If there’s any such thing as an anti-Christmas movie, then Bad Santa and Billy Bob Thornton embody it heart, body, and soul. Sometimes at Christmas you just need to drop all the season’s sanctimonious crap, get pissed drunk and having a good laugh. Sometimes Santa likes to f*** fat chicks in the ass, and I’m alright with that.
3. Tim Allen in The Santa Clause
STUART WOOD: The year 1994 was a better time for Tim Allen. Riding high on the success of his sitcom Home Improvement and just before the stratospheric success of Toy Story, the guy was doing pretty well for himself. So when he ended up playing the unwilling Santa, Scott Calvin, in The Santa Clause, he scored his first big screen success. OK, so maybe he was just playing Santa channelling Tim “The Toolman” Taylor, but who cared, because it was still at the tail end of a time when family movies were enjoyable family movies and not just annoying kids movies which adults had to endure. Sadly the memory of how harmless The Santa Clause and Tim Allen were was ruined by that old Disney curse, the unnecessary sequel. Check out the first Santa Clause movie, just for your own sake, pretend it’s a stand-alone movie.
ED PERKIS: Santa Claus as redemption is at the heart of The Santa Clause. Watching Tim Allen fight his change from Scott Calvin to Santa Claus and then embrace it is both humorous and touching. The scenes with his son could come out treacley but generate real warmth and emotion. This is Allen at his everyman best and he portrays Santa as just a regular guy who sees the light of what is important around Christmas time; family, friends, and love. This Kris Kringle keeps the laughs coming, though, so things don't get too bogged down.
2. Ed Asner in Elf
SCOTT GWIN: I always like to imagine Santa Claus as the jolly old man who is kind and giving and would never have a harsh word to say to anyone. However, it’s hard not to acknowledge that the guy would get grumpy living in the coldest place on earth spending all year making toys for millions of ungrateful children. Ed Asner captures that side of Claus without losing the warmth and charm that a Santa has to have. Asner has always been master of the grouchy old guy with a heart of gold. It takes someone like that to successfully portray the side of Santa that has to prepare someone to go from the innocent world of the North Pole to worldly New York City by reminding him that “a sign that says "Peep Show", doesn't mean that they're letting you look at the new toys before Christmas.”
MACK RAWDEN: People used to knock John Cusack for playing himself in every movie. Well, in Elf, Ed Asner plays Lou Grant playing Santa Clause, and it somehow ends up as the best Santa Clause portrayal of all-time. Part sweet old saint and part surly curmudgeon, he piles in cookies with the enthusiastic glee of Rush Limbaugh at Old Country Buffet, all while having enough of a general aloofness to condone an elf raising a human child without giving any thought to height concerns. Besides, how could you possibly hate a Santa who offers real world advice? Never forget: if you see gum on the street, leave it there. It isn’t free candy.
1. Edmund Gwenn in Miracle On 34th Street
SCOTT GWIN: If you’re looking for the best movie Santa Claus ever, look no further than the one with an Academy Award sitting on his mantle. Yup, for those of you keeping score, there is only one Santa Claus out there with an Oscar, and that’s Edmund Gwen. There have been dozens and dozens of other cinematic Santas, but none of them can hold a Christmas candle to his performance. Without a doubt he was the perfect actor to play the role of a man who convinces the world that he is the real Santa Claus. Gwenn’s turn as Kris Kringle always brings a smile to my face and usually a tear to my eye, and he will always represent Santa Claus to me.
ED PERKIS: Edmund Gwenn didn't play Santa in Miracle of 34th Street, he embodied everything we love about the idea of St. Nick. His Kris Kringle never said "ho, ho, ho," he wasn't particularly "jolly," and he rarely wore the red suit, but with every low-key word and gesture he screamed "I'm the real thing!" This is a Santa Claus who loves not only children, but all humanity. He works to make Natalie Wood's dreams come true (and the Dutch girl, and the District Attorney's son) but doesn't forget the hopes and dreams of the parents, Alfred the janitor, or anyone who comes across his path. He proves over and over that it isn't the reindeer, elves, and bright red duds that make the man, it's a willingness to grant the wishes of everyone he meets.
Nominated but didn’t make the cut: Santa in The Polar Express, Tim Allen in Santa Clause 2, Jim Carrey in How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Dan Akroyd in Trading Places, Jack Skeleton in The Nightmare Before Christmas, Ken Hudson Campbell in Home Alone, David Huddleston in Santa Claus: The Movie, John Call in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, Richard Attenborough in Miracle on 24th Street, Leslie Neilson in All I Want for Christmas, Edward Ivory in The Nightmare Before Christmas, Mickey Rooney in Santa Claus is Coming to Town, Stan Frances in Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Peter Hehir in Fortress
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