Super Bowl Sunday approaches. It’s the one day a year where non-sports fans will sit down and try to figure out why a nickel package consists of five defensive backs whereas a dime package has six DBs and not ten. Truthfully, most people don’t give a damn about the game. I’m sure if you polled most of your friends who say they’ll watch the game, some might even realize that the Steelers are playing the Seahawks. Are any of them from Pittsburgh or Seattle? Do they know what a Roethlisberger is?
If they aren’t fans of football, why do they watch it? Everybody loves a party but it’s more than that. It’s the only time of the year where you’ll hear fairly sensible folks say “Yes, the commercials are on!” Yep, the game has sadly devolved from a match up of the two best teams in the NFL to a marketing bonanza that starts with a 4 hour pre-game show. Instead of focusing on the talents of Hines Ward and Stephen Alexander, most viewers will be watching for $2.5 million thirty-second spots and the over-produced halftime show, with our without an exposed breast. With that particularly disgusting image, The Clicker’s here to guide you through Super Bowl Sunday.
The Game
Since most of you could care less about the game, I’ll keep it brief. Pittsburgh will cover and easily win the game. The Clicker predicts Pittsburgh beats Seattle 27-13. Hines Ward scores two touchdowns and Roethlisberger takes MVP honors. Now forget about the most important football game of the year, let’s start discussing…
The Commercials
Super Bowl advertising has become so popular, CBS is even running a show about the Top 40 Super Bowl Commercials of all time. Some of the most famous spots are Apple’s hammer throw against IBM, Coca-Cola’s Mean Joe Greene swapping his jersey for a Coke, and McDonald’s extreme game of H-O-R-S-E between Michael Jordan and Larry Bird. For me, I grew up with Bud Bowl. I’m thinking my parents weren’t exactly paying attention as I yelled “Go Bud Light Go!” year after year as bottles somehow caught passes without arms. As good as those were, one commercial stands out for me. Cindy Crawford’s walking from the car to the Pepsi machine. I’m positive those 30 seconds are responsible for countless pre-pubescent boys across the world to immediately speak deeper and need a shave before the start of the third quarter. I know I grew up after seeing it.
So what can you expect this year? Besides the standard stuff, expect to see a crazy King scoring touchdowns for a hamburger chain, and trailers for V for Vendetta, Shaggy Dog, 16 Blocks, and Poseidon which is a remake of the classic, Poseidon Adventure. With entertainment like that, you can even listen to John Madden blather on and on about a turducken.
The Halftime Show
I hate halftime shows. So should you. If you have to watch the bizarre combination of macho sports with Broadway choreography, then I guess the Super Bowl’s haftime show is your kind of entertainment. In the past, great artists like Aerosmith, Paul McCartney, and others have sullied their reputations by being the main act. This year, The Rolling Stones get that honor. In retrospect, the creepiest halftime show ever was Super Bowl XXVII. The show was billed as Michael Jackson and 3500 local children. Basically, the Super Bowl televised a normal weekend for the King of Pop. ZING! Oh man, enough with the halftime show, let’s move on.
The Post Super Bowl Time Slot
When a network airs the Super Bowl, they are guaranteed to have ridiculously high ratings. A network could air a show consisting of a naked fat guy folding laundry afterwards and it would score ratings higher than 20. Thankfully, naked fat guys don’t bring in as much repeated viewings as you’d think. So each year, a television show is chosen to air after the Super Bowl in hopes of garnering monster ratings and building an audience for the rest of the year. This year, ABC hands the honor to Grey’s Anatomy.
I can remember The Wonder Years debuting after one particular Super Bowl. (Eh, I could research which one but I’d rather not.) Wonder Years actually began the trend of debuting new shows after the big game. Unfortunately, most other new shows failed to become the hit that Years was. Then networks changed strategies and began scheduling struggling existing shows like Alias, or bona fide hits such as 24, and Survivor. I’d like to give some free advice to coked-out TV execs everywhere. You can put anything on after the Super Bowl and we’ll watch it. If ya put a good show on, we’ll watch it again. Yes, yes, I know my words are surprising to many. My crazy theories will probably keep me slumming at the Clicker for years, but mark my words, TV fans like quality show and there are DOZENS of us out here.
After the game, relax and watch Grey’s Anatomy enjoying the best 1 hour time slot of the year. With any luck, Grey’s audience will grow due to the increased exposure. Lord knows those six ER fans left are dying to watch a quality medical drama again.
See ya next time and Go Steelers!
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What to Watch (1/29 to 2/11)
Sunday January 29
Screen Actors Guild Awards (TBS & TNT) 8:00 EST PM (2 hours)
Yes, what the world needs is more awards shows. Where else could celebrities lecture common folk about what we need to do to make our country better? I’m doing my part. I’m lecturing you too .
Monday January 30
24 (FOX) 9:00 EST PM
Day 5: 12:00-1:00 PM- Forget the sheer absurdity of a Presidential advisor being in cahoots with terrorists.Jack Bauer is cool and would break your neck for pointing out such notions. Random Jack Bauer fact: If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with only 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
American Chopper (Discovery Channel) 10:00 EST PM
Fantasy Bike- The Teutuls build a bike for someone despite Dad and son's constant bitching. Wait, I’m recommending this every week. I won’t ever have to change the description!
Tuesday January 31
Presidential State of the Union Address (ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX) 9:00 EST
I could care less about what President Bush has to say. And before you wackos go crazy, I voted for him and he seems like a nice guy. I just don’t particularly care to listen to speeches that are interrupted by applause every 17 seconds. Wait, I’m supposed to be recommending shows…
American Idol (FOX) 8:00 EST
Auditions/Las Vegas, NV- Auditions continue in Sin City. I can’t tell who is more delusional, Joss Whedon fans or trailer trash who thinks their babies can sing.
Wednesday February 1
Lost (ABC) 9:00 PM EST
Numbers-Yeah, we’ve had new episodes of Lost for like 3 weeks. Lord knows ABC wouldn’t want to give me another new one. Can ABC just show the 22 episodes back to back and stop stringing me along? Anyways, this is a repeat from last year that gives us the backstory of Hurley. On the plus side, a rerun of Lost watched backwards while drugged is still better than a new episode of Invasion.
CSI: NY (NBC) 10:00 EST (2 Hours)
Stuck on You- There is only one person on television who smiles less than Gary Sinise and that’s Curtis from 24. But Gary was Lieutenant Dan. Upgrade! Oh the show? Somebody is murdered and through a bunch of quick edits and implausible plot twists, the CSI team solves the crime.
Thursday February 2
Survivor: Panama--Exile Island
The First Exile- Season 12 begins and you know what? It’s still good. Reality TV is an easy target with some of the crap out there but Survivor is unfairly lumped in with the likes of Paradise Hotel and America’s Top Model. This year, Survivor introduces a few wrinkles. The 16 castaways are divided into four teams (old men, old women, young men, young women). After the reward challenge, the losing tribe has to banish a member to Exile Island until the next challenge. A hidden immunity idol is on the island that a member can use to protect themselves at a future tribal council.
My Name is Earl (NBC) 9:00 EST
Something to Live For-Earl helps a suicidal trailer park resident played by Adam Goldberg. Seriously, I think I’m going to hell for laughing at that description.
Friday February 3
I haven’t got into trouble with my wife in weeks. I’m way overdue. To keep myself on her good side, I’m taking her to see A Good Woman at the local cinema. I’ll buy her popcorn, a Dr. Pepper, and utter such smooth comments like” honey, I love you but I seriously have to be home before…”
Battlestar Galactica (Sci-Fi) 10:00pm EST
Scar- I must say last week was a sad week for television. It was easily the worst episode of the year for Lost and Galactica. Yeah, Ronald Moore repays me for my glowing BSG column by giving me Lee Adama having an emotional breakdown over a hooker. I have to give Ronald Moore credit though. He even admitted this wasn’t a great episode in his podcast that you can download now. Not many people will admit their work is subpar especially before it airs. Kudos to Moore for that.
This week, a Cylon Raider nicknamed Scar launches attacks on the fleet as miner extract precious metals from nearby asteroids. Kara and Kat have their inevitable cat fight. Now that I think about it, No wonder Lee pays for a whore. All the chicas on the Galactica are flipping emotional headcases.
Saturday February 4
Super Bowl’s Greatest Commercials: Top 40 Countdown (CBS) 8:00 EST
Jim Nantz hosts a countdown of the Top 40 commercials that have ever during the Super Bowl. Top ads will be chosen by viewers in the only uncorruptable way: The Internet! Yeah!
Sunday February 5
Super Bowl XL (ABC) 6:00 EST
Seattle Seahawks vs Pittsburgh Steelers I really don’t need to say what time. The pre-game show begins at 2:30. Now that’s silly. I won’t begin watching the show until at least 3:15. John Madden and Al Michaels broadcast live from Beirut Detroit, Michigan.
Grey’s Anatomy (ABC) 10:15 EST
It’s the End of the World- Anatomy gets the best time slot of the year and they bring in Christina Ricci to guest star? Works for me! A patient will arrive who will endanger the lives of every person in the O.R. Wait, I think ER did this episode in 1997, 2001, 2002, 2003 and three times in 2004. God, ER sucks.
Monday February 6
VIEWER WARNING! WIFE SWAP IS NOT WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE!
How I Met Your Mother (CBS) 8:30 EST
Zip, Zip, Zip- Any macho males need to turn away so they do not lose any respect for me. I was genuinely excited when Ted kissed Victoria at the end of the show last week. Please, stop laughing. She becomes the least famous person to ever crack my top five. Bye bye, Salma Hayek. This week, Ted and Victoria, after abstaining for several weeks, rush back to practice the horizontal mamba while Lily and Marshall are trapped in the bathroom not wanting to ruin the moment. With Ted selling him out, Barney goes “bro-ing” with Robin. Have I mentioned that you can read Barney’s blog here>? I’m writing my dissertation on his bridesmaid blog. Suit up!
24 (FOX) 9:00 EST
Day 5: 1:00 PM-2:00 PM- President Logan, only slightly scarier than the thought of Al Gore as President, tries to convince Jack to rejoin CTU until the nerve gas is found. Wait, This cannot be right. This almost sounds logical. Almost as logical as bad guys constantly targeting Los Angeles when the immortal Jack Bauer is still around.
Tuesday February 7
American Idol (FOX) 8:00 EST
Final Auditions- This is also the last time you’ll see this show recommended.
Boston Legal (ABC) 10:00 EST
Breast in Show The sickly Daniel Post (Michael J. Fox) hosts his own mock funeral. Who hasn’t?
Wednesday February 8
Lost (ABC) 9:00 EST (63 minutes)
The Long Con- Some reports say it’s a Locke-centric episode but the episode name also could apply to Sawyer. Anyways, Sun is injured in an apparent attack from the Others. Tension mounts between Locke, Kate, Anna Lucia, and Jack. C’mon it’s quite apparent that everybody needs to get laid. Relax people. You are on a deserted island inhabited by psycho hillbillies. That’s a recipe for love!
Thursday February 9
Survivor: Panama--Exile Island
Breakdown- The four teams are combined back into the traditional two when two captains form their teams in the traditional schoolyard manner. The second person will be going home after not helping around the camp or eating all the rats. Do these people even watch the other seasons?
My Name is Earl (NBC) 9:00 EST
The Professor- Earl has to return a laptop computer he stole from a professor. Earl is uncomfortable around smart people and when it turns out to be a beautiful woman, Earl becomes more nervous. Christine Taylor stars as the beautiful professor who asks Earl to talk to her class about his list. Hmm… Needs more Crabman.
The Office (NBC) 9:30 EST
Valentine’s Day- Michael goes to New York to visit the corporate headquarters. Back at the office, the staff has their own Valentine’s fun. C’mon give it a shot. You know you don’t want to change the channel.
Friday February 10
Winter Olympics: Opening Ceremony (NBC) 8:00 EST
Besides Presidential speeches, is there anything more pointless than the opening ceremony of the Olympics? Athletes walking around waving like goofy tourists is not my idea of quality entertainment. However, checking out all the hotties on the Swedish national team IS a fine use of time.
Arrested Development (FOX) 8:00 EST [Four Episodes]
Faking It, Family Ties, Exit Strategy, and Harboring Resentment- The final four episodes of season 3 are airing in a two hour block. Isn’t Fox nice. I’m sure there isn’t a worldwide broadcast airing up against it. I’m sure Fox would try its best to give Arrested Development a fair shake. Shame on Fox. Please Showtime, pick this show up.
Battlestar Galactica (Sci-Fi) 10:00 EST
Sacrifice- Dana Delaney guest stars as Seisha Abinell who takes hostages once she finds out that Sharon is being kept alive on the Galactica. And why should the former China Beach star do such a thing? Her goal is to keep the Cylon from giving Cylon secrets to the Galactica, of course! You see what happens when Al Gore supporters get in the way?
Saturday February 11
Winter Olympics (NBC) 8:00 EST
Okay, I recommend this slightly. Freestyle skating is on the schedule but as soon as they figure skating begins, switch the channel over to Bravo and watch Terminator 2 for the 17th time.
Winter Olympics (NBC) 11:3 EST
No Saturday Night Live tonight. Watch the craziest sport ever, ski jumping. How do these guys even survive long enough to become proficient? The mortality rate has to be over 80%. I’m sure somebody will email me with the details.
Well, no lights. Maybe italics. If the show is really good, maybe bold! Yeah!
