Stupid is equal parts objective and subjective. What might be foolish, idiotic, downright childish behavior to one might be an acceptable life choice to another. Is it better to be the dude with a sixteen hundred on his SATs that can’t screw in a light bulb or the guy who flunked calculus but can vanquish a deer with a crossbow from seventy-five yards? How you answer that question probably determines whether or not you think Conan The Barbarian is a dumbass.
We’re just hours away from the Cimmerian once again unleashing his brand of deadly aggression, and the forthcoming release has gotten some members of the Cinema Blend staff arguing over our favorite low IQ heroes. Some of the foolish inhabitants on the list to follow have a handful of practical skills, some of them even got the job done, but if anyone was in desperate need of math homework help, none of these slow-witted movie heroes would be turned to for help. Would Conan score poorly on an IQ test? I think the better question is could Conan finish an IQ test without mangling the administrator? Unprovoked aggression seems like the sort of thing that would cost you in a timed exam like that.
Here are Cinema Blend’s thirteen favorite low IQ heroes. If you think we’ve underestimated one of your favorites or forgotten a beloved ignoramus, let us know in the comment section. Otherwise, stand back and let the idiocy waft over you. Salt shakers are about to be thrown, shoes are about to be eaten, little coats are about to be ripped and it’s going to start smelling of boats and hos in here.
Bill S. Preston, Esquire and “Ted” Theodore Logan
by Sean O'Connell
In a not-too-distant future, the heavy metal stylings of Wyld Stallyns will bring peace and harmony to our planet. Before that happens, however, the band’s head-banging members -- Bill S. Preston, Esquire and “Ted” Theodore Logan -- have to pass their final history exam. With the help of a time-traveling phone booth, Bill and Ted embark on a educational journey through the ages, transforming from two burnouts who thought Caesar was “a salad dressing dude” to two scholars who had befriended the likes of Abraham Lincoln and Socrates. As we honor some of our favorite movie heroes with low IQs, we share words of wisdom from our eventual leaders, Bill and Ted. Be excellent to each other. Party on, dudes. Oh yeah, and San Dimas High School football rules!
Lloyd Christmas
by Mack Rawden
Lloyd Christmas doesn’t want Mary Swinson, no Swanson, no Mary Samsonite’s money. He might borrow a few cents here or there to make sure his orange suit is ready for the ball, but everyone knows he’s good for it. His IOUs might as well be backed with the gold standard; his heart certainly is. Lloyd is the type of guy that’ll give you the second pair of gloves right off his hands and praise senior citizens when they actually serve a purpose. It’s that winning attitude that sends Lloyd on a cross-country voyage to ensure safe luggage delivery, and it’s the same one that keeps so many of us returning to the Farrelly Brothers’ funniest movie. He might be an idiot, but goddamnit, he’s our dead bird-selling, ninja-fantasizing idiot.
Dale Doback and Brennan Huff
by Katey Rich
Adam McKay and Will Ferrell have gotten away with a lot of surreal stuff in their hit comedies-- the dog-bear conversation in Anchorman comes to mind-- but they really outdid themselves in Step Brothers, with Ferrell and Reilly playing a pair of grown adults who brawl with elementary schoolers, build homemade bunk beds to disastrous results, and film themselves crashing their dad's yacht only to proudly show him the video. Dale and Brennan aren't just stunted man-children, they're complete idiots who were off on their own wavelength until they found each other. They're immature and foolish and impossible to live with, but like it or not they're the movie's heroes, deserving of redemption and totally showing up Brennan's dick brother Derek. Dale and Brennan are stupider and more obnoxious than any real people, but when they sing at the Fuckin' Catalina Wine Mixer and amaze the crowd, it somehow feels like a victory for us all.
The Little Tramp
by Kelly West
Either he's not very bright or he's simply stuck in a perpetual run of bad luck, but ridiculous things seem to happen to Charlie Chaplin's Tramp wherever he goes. What The Tramp may lack in brain-power, he makes up for in heart and resourcefulness. Whether he’s eating a shoe (The Gold Rush), raising a child while living on the street (The Kid), or somehow managing to likably allow a blind woman to believe he’s wealthy in an attempt to win her favor (City Lights), the Tramp is one of the finest examples of a relatively innocent hero that knows how to grin and bear even the toughest of scenarios. Chaplin’s gift for finding humor in hardship and telling jokes without words translates best through the little Tramp, which is why so many of the films that feature the character remain classics today.
Romy White And Michele Weinberger
by Mack Rawden
Contrary to what they may have said to impress you, Romy and Michele did not invent Post-It Notes. They didn’t thermoset resin nor raise any viscocity levels. There just wasn’t time between trying to figure out who was the Rhoda and locating Michele’s top. Sacrifices had to be made. But you know what they just realized? You’re a bad person with an ugly heart, and they don’t give a flying fuck what you think, even if you were in the A-group. Romy and Michele have each other. They’ve forged a bond over making fun of Pretty Woman and reminding each other to deduct sixteen pounds for their shoes. All the popular girl approval in the world can’t replace that sisterly love. So, put the first verse of “Footloose” on repeat, scarf down all the jelly beans, gummy bears and candy corn you can find and join the interpretive dance party, it’s the only way to properly celebrate the unity these two loveable idiots share.
Derek Zoolander
by Eric Eisenberg
I’m not a doctor, but I’m fairly certain there’s no medical condition that can stop a person from turning to the left. It’s merely a symptom of being a total and complete idiot, which describes Derek Zoolander to a T. Part of a profession that doesn’t necessarily encourage intelligence, Derek has spent his entire life coasting by on his good looks and I get the sense that he probably didn’t graduate from high school. It’s his imbecility, of course, that drives the film forward, as it’s because of his low brain power that Mugatu can have him assassinate the Prime Minister of Micronesia (or is it the prime rib of Propecia?). The nice thing about Derek, though, is that his heart is always in the right place. Sure, the “Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too” is easily the worst name for a charity on the planet, but at least he’s helping people.
by Jesse Carp
Besides his reverse-Bond introductions, we learn of Forrest Gump’s low IQ early when Mama Gump humps her boy’s way into the regular, not remedial class. That begins his incredible journey of falling ass-backwards through some the most significant moments in American history. The film works so well because it paints a vast portrait on such a simple canvass. Forrest's narration of the unbelievable creates a fascinating contrast by having events of such gravity relayed to us by a man who fails to grasp any of their significance. In the end, these moments are of little value to Forrest, the only thing that matters to him is love. His Mom, Bubba, Lieutenant Dan, Jenny and what the film has been driving for this whole time... his son. The most heart-breaking and enlightening moment occurs when Forrest asks if his son is 'like him.' It’s this insight and emotion from Forrest that shocks us into realizing he's aware of his mental limitations which only adds an extra layer of complexity.
Hi and Ed
by Katey Rich
Hi and Ed want a baby, but Ed's insides are a rocky place where Hi's seed can find no purchase. Biology and the prejudices of others have conspired to keep them childless, but then there's Nathan Arizona, the unpainted furniture king whose wife just had five babies-- and isn't it unfair that some should have so many while others should have so few? You can't fault their logic, or deny that they take excellent care of Nathan Jr., even holding up a convenience store to make sure Nathan Jr. has plenty of Huggies. Hi and Ed are different kinds of dimwits, Hi the repeat offender who can't stay on the right side of the law, and Ed the cop-turned-fugitive driven entirely by her desire for a family; it says a lot about the total IQ of Raising Arizona that Hi and Ed aren't even the dumbest characters in the movie, but they're also the undisputed heroes, not to mention the most romantic pair of outlaws since Bonnie and Clyde.
Navin Johnson
by Eric Eisenberg
Carl Reiner’s The Jerk opens with a dirty, homeless Navin Johnson (Steve Martin) announcing to the camera that he “was born a poor black child.” Now, I’m supposed write a bit more than one sentence about the idiocy of this epically dumb man, but that really sums up the character perfectly. Navin is an individual permanently out of his element with no chance of rescue. A hilarious parody of the classic “rags to riches,” story, Navin’s incredible and naïve optimism is what makes him end up being so successful. Every little opportunity he gets he treats like he’s just won the lottery, from when he gets his name in the phonebook to his abusive relationship with Patty the Daredevil. Perhaps if we were all as dumb and hopeful as Navin we’d all be happier. Next time you’re at a fancy restaurant be sure to order the freshest wine they have and never be afraid to let your mentally defective wife throw knives at you.
Ace Ventura
by Sean O’Connell
Guys who talk out of their ass -- who literally bend over, spread their cheeks and talk out of their ass -- aren’t expected to have that high of an IQ. Ace Ventura constantly is ridiculed by actual cops as he tries to piece together clues and solve each case. Yet, when the chips are down, Jim Carrey’s moronic pet detective somehow delivers. The master of disguise manages to retrieve stolen puppies, infiltrate mental institutions, and locate Snowflake, the Miami Dolphins’ beloved mascot. Always eager to show up the jealous cops on the Miami-Dade police force, Ace blasted holes in an eyewitness’s account when he busted out that clever trick with the extra-thick sliding glass patio door. Maybe he’s not as dumb as his hair makes him look? Oh wait. He did kind of miss the mark on that whole Finkle-is-Einhorn thing. When it comes to Ace’s intellect, the jury’s still out.
Chance The Gardener
by Jesse Carp
Chance has never known anything but his life as a gardener. Nothing. His entire life he's been hidden away in an estate tending gardens and watching endless amounts of television but when the old man dies, he’s forced to think for himself. This is a problem, thinking is not his strong suit nor understanding for that matter, although he claims to quite a bit (even if he doesn't know what a claim looks like). Aptly named, dumb luck strikes and our intellectually challenged hero is soon providing fodder for presidential addresses and shaping economic policy because others are so blind they're taking his simple statements and twisting them into words of wisdom. We watch the simple man's simple thoughts interpreted as metaphorical profundities, witty jokes and even romantic advances, all for our enjoyment. I know, it's not polite to laugh at the dim-witted but the way Hal Ashby and Peter Sellers crafted Being There, the laughs never feel at his expense. Besides, even if they were he wouldn't understand and would care less. Instead, he'll just go walk on water… Yes. This was nice.
Tommy Callahan
by Kelly West
Tommy Callahan spent his entire life coasting on his father’s wealth and affection. Rather than being the typical rich a-hole with no sense of responsibility, he’s a rich idiot with no sense of responsibility. He’s the guy who uses the fan in his new office to practice his Darth Vader voice, while envisioning all of the things he’ll be able to put in his mini-fridge. He’s the guy who nearly suffocates from an inflated airplane life preserver. He's the guy that doesn't realize yelling for attention in a bank lobby may cause alarm. He’s the guy who sets fire to a potential client’s desk in an effort to make a point. Tommy Boy is Chris Farley at his absolute best, delivering a character that’s funny, lovable and ultimately heroic. The best thing about the movie (besides how funny it is), is that the character never really changes. Tommy is the same guy he always was, he just finds a way to use that toward something more than entertaining frat-guys. “Hehehe… bull’s ass. “
Colonel Mustard
by Mack Rawden
With a psychopath on the loose and the cops en route, there’s only one man capable of leading his fellow blackmailed buffoons to the solution, and that decorated military veteran, that high-ranking Pentagon official is Colonel Mustard. Only he understands this is war, and casualties are inevitable. Besides, with a little legroom, he can sneak away from the pack, destroy the double negatives, deal with his big-mouthed driver and be back in time to frisk Miss Scarlet. If only the house weren’t booby-trapped with ironing borders hidden in closets and falling chandeliers. If only people would explain to him what exactly a butler does or whether they meant no in saying yes. Oh well, best solve one problem at a time, like keeping that nosy Wadsworth, whatever his job is, from exposing himself in front of the ladies. It’s God’s work, and with Colonel Mustard on the case, audiences can be assured by the end they’ll get more than one guess at the solution and one of the greatest slapstick comedies ever.
Honorable Mentions:
Lt Frank Drebin from The Naked Gun
Shelley Darlington from The House Bunny
Jacques Clouseau from The Pink Panther
Jay from Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back
Napoleon Dynamite from Napoleon Dynamite
The Three Stooges
Wayne Campbell from Wayne's World
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