Posters exist for movies that are coming out some time soon. We have them. We keep them to ourselves, but take pictures of them to prove to you that they actually exist. Then I make fun of them. This time child molester mustaches are in and Jeffrey Jones ain’t gettin out any time soon.
For some reason I never noticed just how much Ray Romano resembles a weasel. Adding a mustache to his face accentuates his weaselness. He’s like some sort of Snidely Whiplash funeral director, or perhaps even a Jeffrey Jones-like child molester in the poster for Eulogy. Stealing a page from Open Water, to give the film an incredible amount of realism, Ray and the cast had to spend the entire duration of filming ACTUALLY submerged in a fish bowl. It was the only way to put the fun back in funeral.
Everything about this poster for I Heart Huckabees screams “trying too hard to be indie-hip”. It’s not that it is a bad poster; it just looks like every other poster hanging at any artsy-fartsy theater, usually next to a poster about two gay men and their passion for mexican jumping beans. This time the difference is only that the poster has big name stars on it, which probably means that it’s too mainstream for movie snobs and too movie snob for mainstream. I can’t see Jim Bob running out to see a movie whose tagline references a word he can’t find on every day network TV. Whip out your dictionaries folks, this poster needs some existential translating.
We’re back to using the old circle design behind the hero trick that became so popular after the not so gigantic success of Tomb Raider for the newest Resident Evil poster. It’s not an improvement over the previous teaser poster, which managed to be spooky and cool all at once but didn't smash the star's mug against the your eye-sockets. This poster incorporates some of those elements but puts Milla’s sexy body front and center. Shame they didn’t leave her in that towel. She’s got a weird sort of Buffy the Vampire Slayer pose going for her so maybe someone should tell her that wooden stakes don’t work on zombies.
Charlize Theron is back to dancing with women in this poster for Head in the Clouds and I couldn’t be more pleased. Luckily, she’s now sworn off the life of a serial killer hooker who dates large-foreheaded children and has transformed into a flapper era hottie who chases down bird-faced senoritas while Stuart Townsend hides behind a curtain looking disapproving and creepy. I’ll have to run out and buy a marker to black out Stuart “I’m not quite Hugh Jackman” Townsend if I’m going to enjoy this one sheet.
The National Lampoon name stopped meaning anything long ago, thus it’s wholly appropriate that it looks like it was hastily slapped on to an already existing poster, perhaps as an iron-on sticker or band-aid meant to magically heal terrible comedies. Well throwing that name on there isn’t the cure, but fifty prospecting bikini babes sure can’t hurt a movie poster like this one for Gold Diggers. Is that Cagney & Lacey enshrined in the mountain like some sort of overweight 80’s television ladies version of Mount Rushmore? When did Tyne Daly become the George Washington? I can believe the wooden teeth and the wig, but I doubt she could chop down an apple tree.
Was this poster for The Last Shot intentionally designed with built in symbolism for the careers of the stars gracing it or was that merely a co-incidence? In the top left corner a stack of washed up stars and a guy beloved for molesting Canteen Boy being carried by the talented Tony Shaloub. In the bottom right corner, several vehicles depicting the states of their careers (except Alec). Honesty in advertising allegory; how refreshing.
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