Posters exist for movies that are coming out some time soon. We have them. We keep them to ourselves, but take pictures of them to prove to you that they actually exist. Then I make fun of them. If you wade through the usual assortment of crappy horror movie posters below, you’ll probably find something worthwhile. Or at least daring and sexy. Best overused tagline ever. It always signifies something delightful.
The whole “Have a nice day” smile has really been done to death at this point. The only movie that should be using crazy smiley faces in its advertising right now, blood stained or otherwise is Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. This is just another bad horror movie and not humorous enough to warrant such um… high concept artwork? Ok, maybe cliché is a better word.
There’s a tent in the background, so I can only assume this is a movie about carnies. But if this is a movie about carnies, where is the elephant? Where are the clowns? I’m not interested in the courage of boys and the hearts of girls, unless of course the girls are over 18. Hey baby! That doesn’t look to be the case here, and I don’t see any trapeze artists. Doesn’t look very fun. Looks like another poster with a lot of squares. Movies that use posters with colored squares are trying too hard. Just look at I Heart Huckabees.
Somehow I don’t think the Hotel Rwanda will be nearly as nice as that one the Eagles stayed at. If it even has mirrors on the ceiling, they’ll probably just be used for checking the heads of starving kids for lice.
Two posters for Birth. They’re what I like to think of as floating neck posters. See, they avoid the stigma of making a floating head poster by giving the head a neck. As if we don’t know what they’re up to. “They” being “those people” of course. The poster on the left shows Nicole Kidman before she married Tom Cruise and the poster on the right shows her at their divorce proceedings. Tunnels are of course creepy, so one has been thrown in at the bottom of the poster to add flair. Of course we all know who it was that invented flair.
Isn’t it really about time Dakota Fanning played the spawn of Satan? Hide and Seek looks to me with serious potential brought on by genius casting. The girl is freaky, she’s a natural to be possessed by the dark one… or to be made into a photorealistic CGI character for Polar Express 2. Too bad her movie’s tagline wasn’t hidden.
Calling a movie daring and sexy is a sure way to get ordinary folks to drag themselves into the scary world of an indie theater, provided the daring and sexy movie doesn’t sport two extremely well groomed men caressing each other in revealing tank tops. That attracts a different audience. This goes the other direction and puts two girls of questionable age front and center. Notice how they cut the banner off above their hands to make you wonder if those hands are doing something naughty. Despicable. I wonder when it opens in Dallas?
This poster bears an unfortunante similarity to the advertising used for the failed movie Wimbledon. I knew it was failed when I attended a screening for something else a week after it’s release, and the studio publicist was using old Wimbledon promotional materials as scratch paper. Probably not a marketing strategy this film should emulate.
Perverts around the world have been waiting for this movie since the first time they saw The Princess Diaries. You’re all sick. You may be waiting a lot longer. Notice there’s no release date on the poster, even though the movie is finished. In fact the movie has been finished for a long time, and I couldn’t find even a hint of possible release in theaters or even straight to DVD listed for it anywhere. With her career firmly rooted in the world of family friendly entertainment, maybe too much has proven to be more than enough for Anne Hathaway. Considering the rumored salacious content of the film, it’s entirely possible that this poster is all you’ll ever see of it.
Three not so new character posters for Blade, which somehow never made it into BNN. Not surprising, since they’re not that exciting. It looks like the folks and New Line found the “greyscale” button in Photoshop. Good for them. Me, I’ll stick with the other Blade: Trinity posters they’ve already released.
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