Posters exist for movies that are coming out some time soon. We have them. We keep them to ourselves, but take pictures of them to prove to you that they actually exist. Then I make fun of them. This week we're on Wednesday again. Maybe that'll be One Sheet's permanent new home. Besides, this batch is barely better than a bunch of business cards.
Hey, it's like Dawn of the Dead, only with romance! There's nothing like a confused, vaguely British man in a suit carrying flowers. Oh, and some zombie's too. This poster lets you know right up front that it's a sappy love story. I applaud their willingness to embrace love and romance. Great romantic movies are so rare these days. Your girlfriend is going to love Shaun of the Dead.
This poster takes the used car dealership approach to advertising. If they tell you often enough it's scary, "intensely frightening", and throw names around like "Rolling Stone" you're bound to think this is pretty good, even if the poster itself is just a blank black square with some slightly watery effects tossed on it. Plus, is there anything scarier that water? Maybe orange juice, but are we really ready for terror like that? I think not. Open Water has your liquid horror needs covered.
You think you're invisible. But I see you. That's what that tiny little bit of text in the center of this poster for A Slipping Down Life says. I love subtle threats, don't you? Because the picture is fuzzy and cool, I automatically assume this movie is French or Iranian or something. Maybe even subtitled. I'm not sure I can accept non-Jesus movies with subtitles.
Why does this poster even exist? It's barely more than a press release. Why not just print up some business cards and stick them on the wall of your nearest BBQ joint. Blade Trinity deserves better... I think. This is a waste of everyone's time, except... success, you got idiots like me talking about it and thus giving you free advertising. Curses. Next week I write "S3" on a Big Chief tablet in red crayon and show it off as the new poster for Spider-Man 3.
Jennifer Garner: Still better off kicking ass.
I'm sure there are women out there hooting and hollering right now. Thankfully I'm not in the room with them. But if there was ever a scrawny kid who needed to drink more milk, it's Orlando Bloom. Someone get this scarecrow some inflatable muscles, or at least a body double. He's not creaming anything.
Report by: Joshua Tyler
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