Stop me when this gets to painful. You head out to your local cinema with a nice young lady, intent on catching that new film everyone is talking about. You arrive a few minutes early, in plenty of time to secure both good seats and Bunch A Crunch. Then everything begins souring your once joyous mood. Some douche bag in a straight billed cap starts doing a Borat impression, and you spot some fat people making out in the corner. A six your old with a shit-eating grin on his face starts kicking the back of your date’s chair, and she does not look happy. Naturally, you turn to bitch slap the little shit, but his dad is a cantankerous fellow that looks a lot like King Kong Bundy. What a disaster.
Thankfully, one multiplex has come up with a solution. Regal Cinemas announced yesterday that they are introducing new pager systems allowing moviegoers to rat, narc, and roll over on obsessively annoying patrons. According to Pocket Lint, the miniature beepers, which only only be distributed to members of the Regal Crown Club loyalty program, will include four separate buttons to alert managers of various unseemly issues. You can press buttons one or two for technical and sound errors, while buttons three and four will be reserved for piracy and the dreaded “other disturbance.”
This new system will create quite a moral dilemma for film patrons. Is it better to sit idly annoyed at ADHD riddled idiots or turn yourself into a prison snitch and alert the Man? Regal Cinemas has come up with a solution for this conundrum as well. Free popcorn! Brilliant! The average person would squeal on their own mother if savory, butter-filled cholesterol was the reward. So, here’s to you Regal Cinemas. Your genius plan is going to help create a nation of tattletales and may even increase theater parking lot fights. Julius and Ethel Rosenberg would have been so proud.
