After finally kicking my Super Bowl hangover sometime around Wednesday afternoon I dusted the cobwebs off and got back to the task hand: thinking incessantly about movies and their critical Tomatometer score. Need to keep this gravy train rolling. This week we’re going to war and lighting our heads on fire.
Quick note: Will not be offering up a prediction for The Secret World of Arrietty because a: it came out in 2010 and b: it has a bunch of reviews in already.
Just remember, I'm not reviewing these movies, but rather predicting where they'll end up on the Tomatometer. Let's take a look at what This Rotten Week has to offer.
Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
Because, at this point, its strikingly clear that Nic Cage will do just about anything for a paycheck, I’m not sure if it’s even worth it to make fun of the guy. He’s kind of like the friend of yours who’ll always come through on a crazy bet just to make ten bucks or something. I have a feeling Cage would take a stab at the Cinammon Challenge or the Penis game if it meant depositing something into the old bank account. Taking a look at his recent run of films, (Trespass-10%, Season of the Witch-10%, and Drive Angry-45%) one begins to get the feeling Nic isn’t really picking and choosing his spots. Sure, a Kick-Ass (76%) shows up every once in a while, but that’s more a “throw enough s#$t at a wall, something will stick” example than proof he’s actually giving a crap about his films.
Enter Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance, the sequel I can’t imagine anyone really cared about getting made, or anyone really cares about seeing or anyone will really remember after the 2012 Razzie Awards get handed out. And while the trailer for the sequel sure looks a lot more entertaining (and slightly less schticky) than the original, its still Cage, it’s still Ghost Rider, and it’s still a middling comic book character that doesn’t resonate too terribly well with the general public.
And just to keep expectations maybe a little higher than the bottom of the barrel, directing duo Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor helm this tale of whatever it is Ghost Rider is fighting. It’s tough to tell from the trailer. Neveldine and Taylor are responisble for Crank (61%) and Crank: Voltage (63%), but before we anoint this new project a critical winner, let’s also remember they gave us Gamer (30%) and penned the epic piece of trash Jonah Hex (12%). Those last two examples are enough for me to continue assuming their newest comic book flick will go up in flames. (Get it?) The Rotten Watch for Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance is 27%.
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This Means War
Watching Chris Pine and Tom Hardy waste millions of dollars of government money trying to simultaneously win over Reese Witherspoon and kill each other in the process might seem ridiculous until you consider that our government probably wastes this kind of coin daily in equally trivial and meaningless programs and bureaucracy. At least these dudes are doing it in the name of love. What are your politicians doing with your hard earned tax dollars except furthering their own egocentric and self-serving agendas? I’ll take love over red tape any day.
I understand no part of this flick is supposed to be “realistic”, and I don’t think we are to believe covert government agents really live and operate like this (even though Mr. and Mrs. Smith kind of did), but there does seem to be something oddly endearing about watching Pine and Hardy duke it out with the full CIA arsenal at their fingertips.
McG (Terminator Salavation-33%, We Are Marshall-49%) directs this menage a operative and though his recent resume doesn’t lend much in the “critically acclaimed” department, some early reviews seem to think the movie works on a date night, good for guys and gals both, level (again, kind of like Mr. and Mrs. Smith). We’ll score it with that flick in mind, but deduct some points for no Brangelina. The Rotten Watch for This Means War is 48%.
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Recapping last week:
Not a bad week last time around with Safe House (Predicted: 57% Actual: 53%) coming in as a clear win within five percent. Meanwhile, The Vow (Predicted: 44% Actual: 27%) was worse than expected, and I really should have seen this coming considering the plot and overt corniness of the whole affair.
Finally, Journey 2: The Mysterious Island (Predicted: 58% Actual: 43%) was a movie I said I would leave off my resume because so many reviews were already in. Thank goodness I said that, because it seems just about every review that came in after my write up panned this flick. This score dipped mightily over the week.
Next time around we go behind enemy lines, look for a kidnapper, do some good deeds and get out of the rat race. It’s going to be a Rotten Week!
