Football season is in full effect so who really cares about movies on a Sunday? You and I of course. That’s why we’re here, to look at the real Sunday scores, the Tomatometer percentages. Those are the only numbers that count. This week we’ve got prisoners and dancing.
Just remember, I'm not reviewing these movies, but rather predicting where they'll end up on the Tomatometer. Let's take a look at what This Rotten Week has to offer.
Prisoners
We only have Little Rotten Week running around the house right now, so she gets all the love this family can give. If for some reason, she disappeared tomorrow I don’t know what I’d do. Oh wait, yes I do, I’d go on a Liam Neeson-in-Taken spree the likes of which have never been seen around this little burb. I’d start with some of my next door neighbors, they probably had a hand in it, always looking shady and not mowing their lawn as much as I’d like. Then I’d head across the street to the guy who doesn’t take in his garbage cans until late in the evening. And if she wasn’t there, well then it’s off to that corner house. You know the one, dude who painted his house lime green on purpose. He’d get the business also. And yeah, she was probably just hiding in her closet or something playing, but at least I made the neighborhood a better place.
So yeah, I’m respecting Hugh Jackman’s brand of vigilante justice when it comes to finding his daughter and her friend. Go out, find the guy with the creepy kidnapping RV, affirm that he, in fact is creepy and therefore most likely guilty. Then from there, well he better hope my daughter stops playing hide and seek in time.
Canadian director Denis Villenueve helms this in a followup to last year’s Incedies (92%) which was nominated for Academy Award in the Best Foreign Language Film. Actually, my man had a pretty solid Toronto International Film Festival debuting this flick and Enemy (100% and also starring Jake Gyllenhaal who’s fairly quietly putting together quite the resume). Early reviews are overwhelmingly positive (89% through about twenty) and look to stay that way when it’s rolled out for the rest of the critical world. I can see this sitting in the low eighties and Jackman becoming my new hero. Find those girls! The Rotten Watch for Prisoners is 83%
Let’s put it this way, at the 0:56 mark of this trailer I turned to my buddy Pat (we’re watching the aforementioned football) and said, “Oh man, I don’t think I can make it all the way through this thing.” Mind you I wasn’t talking about the entire movie, but rather the minute plus left on the a marketing material. What a mess. Let’s go through some of the major, ahem, beats:
There’s a dance competition no one’s ever heard of that the Americans just need to win this year. They have some good dancers like noted girlfriend abuser Chris Brown and a bunch of other dudes who can cut a rug, but can’t act. So win/lose. But that’s not their problem. The big issue is they lack a cohesive team identity and camaraderie. The solution? Sawyer from Lost. He’s a skullcap-wearing basketball coach (It’s a twist, go with it) brought in to train them in a juvenile detention center along with a, wait for it, hot female choreographer that he gets romantic with. (I know it was in the trailer, but I would have easily laid out a million dollar bet this would have been part of the plot.) This rag tag bunch of world class dancers goes on to jump, jive and shake their way to a movie that looks so bad I still haven’t made it all the way through the trailer.
Yup. This is a real movie that actually got made. Directed by Benson Lee who attempts to make a flick based around his successful documentary Planet B-Boy (88%). The problem with these kind of movies is that, sure, watching crazy dancing is a good time. It’s all the other stuff like dialogue, plot and character arcs that get in the way. Move all the stuff way off to the side (like offscreen) and just let us feast our eyes on the moves man. The rest is just clutter and this flick looks terrible for it. The Rotten Watch for Battle of the Year is 18%.
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Recapping last week:
Not a bad week for the Rotten Watch. Let’s start with the winner. The Family (Predicted: 32% Actual: 33%) was a near direct hit. This score was satisfying because, had it been a critical winner, I would have been forced to question my faith in humanity. The whole production just looked like such a mess. From the hacky jokes to the inexplicable plot (New York mafia family hiding out in the French countryside) there was almost no way it could hold up. Good news: it didn’t.
Meanwhile, Insidious: Chapter 2 (Predicted: 51% Actual: 37%) was looking good for part of the week, but then that score kept dipping and dipping. Eventually it landed out of range. If I could get about three more positive reviews to come out of the ether, this would be within ten percent so I’m looking at you late-to-the-party movie critics. Get on that.
Next time around we see claim some baggage, look to the sky for meatballs, and pick up some ladies. It’s going to be a Rotten Week!
