Not much on the docket this week unless you are a sappy, teeny-bopping, vampire lover just dying for one last chance to see Bella and Edward stare longingly into each other’s immortal eyes.
Just remember, I'm not reviewing these movies, but rather predicting where they'll end up on the Tomatometer. Let's take a look at what This Rotten Week has to offer.
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2
If you are an investor, the kind of person who enjoys the freedom our current financial landscape provides the modern day capitalist, man I hope you sold a majority of your vampire stock sometime around the end of last year. If you got in on the ground floor (say around Interview with a Vampire time) then you did very, very well as the blood sucking market made steady, if not bragworthy, progress through the early aughts (Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel stabilizing the market), then blasted off to a meteoric rise (think Apple’s last three years) in the opening part of this decade with True Blood, Vampire Diaries and most especially Twilight leading the charge. If you got in early, the vampire portion of your portfolio is the shit you showed off at dinner parties.
But while its not time to panic, a good investor recognizes all good (fairly, f#$%ing ridiculous) things must come to an end. And while we aren’t looking at a tech or real estate-like bubble burst, it’s time to cash in your profits and turn your attention to other opportunities (I’m thinking center-of-the-earth-type creatures, those things are trading in the single digits right now). Because with the final (?) installment of The Twilight Saga coming out this weekend, the run is most definitely coming to a corny end. The market’s been saturated.
This series has never been a critical darling, starting with Twilight (49%) followed by New Moon (28%), Eclipse (49%) and Breaking Dawn Part One (25%), they’ve been fluctuating between “I guess I didn’t hate it,” and “Uggh, that sucked.” This last piece of the billion dollar pie has Bella, Edward and Jacob up to their usual stuff: running through the woods, emoting like maniacs, talking about love, brooding, getting all angst-y, going heavy on the “pale”, and just generally getting their vampire panties in a bunch over “life”.
Bill Condon who’s got Kinsey (89%) and Dreamgirls (78%) on the old resume, but is also responsible for the first Breaking Dawn (25%), a perfect example of what happens when source material ain’t the best. One can only dress a turd up so much. Look, I’m nothing if not a realist. This flick’ll make another gajillion dollars at the box office. But in the critical world it’ll always be a stinker. And if you’ve still got the Vampire fund (VAMP) in your portfolio, Sell, Sell, Sell! The Rotten Watch for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 is 28%
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Recapping last week:
A good week for the Rotten Watch with Skyfall (Predicted: 95% Actual: 92%) and Lincoln (Predicted: 91% Actual: 92%) both coming out winners. Granted, I can’t really take credit for the former as a majority of reviews were already in for Bond. And really, it didn’t take a genius to figure where Spielberg and Honest Abe would come out on the Tomatometer. So I’m not exactly doing cartwheels over here. But years from now, history will show two awesome predictions regardless of the head start. It’s all good.
Next week we’ve got Wolverines, Guardians and Pi. It’s going to be a Rotten Week!
