1/6 – 1/8 For me, the only really good thing about January is that a lot of the movies being released are so bad there aren’t any studio press screenings for them. This means that instead of driving 45 minutes each way in Dallas rush hour traffic in the middle of the week to attend a screening for a potentially horrible movie like Grandma’s Boy, I have a good excuse to wait and pay to see it on Friday at the movie theater two blocks from my house. Thank you Hollywood for trying to hide the fact that your movies suck. This week, you’ve done me a solid. Here’s CB’s usual look at what’s opening this weekend, in the holiday season hangover that is January. Happy new year!
Expanding
Having prematurely released all their best movies in one or two New York theaters at the end of December to qualify for Oscar voting, all the great movies you’ve been hearing about but couldn’t see because you live in Roanoke are expanding into wider viewing areas. To me the most important isn’t Brokeback Mountain, which widens into 484 theaters or Heath Ledger’s overcompensation for Brokeback Mountain, Casanova which expands into 900 theaters. Nor is it Woody Allen’s Match Point, flaring up as it moves into a 300 theater release and getting praise just because it’s the first movie he’s made in years that doesn’t completely stink. Instead, you need to get up off your ass and seek out Steve Spielberg’s best movie in at least a decade, Munich. This is the part where I get more angry hate mail from activists calling me homophobic for picking terrorism over cowboy romance. Brokeback Mountain is a good film, but to me an over-hyped one. It this was the love story of a guy and a girl instead of a guy and a guy, I’m not convinced anyone would be paying any attention to it. Munich on the other hand is a cinematic masterpiece, timely, brave, and worthy of whatever praise can be heaped upon it. Sure, I’d like it if the world would get off the gay man’s back, but I’m not going to herald Brokeback Mountain as a movie not to miss because of it. Munich is the flick you can’t live without this weekend. Now on with the new releases… none of which are likely to be better than Munich or Brokeback Mountain.
Sneak Preview
Glory Road plays a single showing in 800 theaters this Saturday, to whet your appetite for its full release the week after. It stars Josh Lucas in the real life story of the first basketball coach to play a lineup composed primarily of black players. Obviously, this was a very good idea.
BloodRayne (Opens in 2,000 theaters.)
BloodRayne director Uwe Boll insists this is his best movie yet, which is kind of like North Korea bragging that Kim Jong Il is less likely to go crazy and nuke South Korea than ever. There’s a good chance that it’s true and BloodRayne is Uwe’s best cinematic travesty to date, so if you know anyone intent on seeing it pour sugar in their gas tank or turn their tires into flats. It also has Uwe’s most star studded cast. He’s upgraded from has-been Christian Slater to Oscar Winner Ben Kingsley, ass-kicker Michelle Rodriguez, and Tarantino muse Michael Madsen. The man’s some sort of actor pimp. BloodRayne as you probably guessed, contains a lot of fake blood. It’s the story of a vampire hunter, played by former Terminatrix Kristanna Loken. It’s also a videogame adaptation, which ought to be enough information now to warn you away and allow me to move on to the next.
Grandma’s Boy (Opens in 2,000 theaters.)
I’d want to like this one. Grandma’s Boy is the latest production from Adam Sandler’s Happy Madison, a label which is quickly becoming the new National Lampoon (since the old National Lampoon is now reserved only for the worst in straight-to-video entertainment). It’s the story of a thirty-something videogame tester who moves in with his granny and her old friends. Kind of like Harry Knowles moving in with the Golden Girls. Only that might be a funnier movie than this, a film which focuses mostly on pot-smoking and hanging out with non-truck-drivin chimps. Maybe there’s a surprise hit hidden in it, the trailer does deliver a couple of laughs. But the movie wasn’t screened in advance for the press, and that almost always signifies certain death.
Hostel (Opens in 2,000 theaters.)
Like it or not, Hostel is probably the new release to see this weekend. If you’re smart you’ll seek out Munich instead, but if you’re intent on jumping in to the weekend’s new flicks this clearly is the one to check. It’s a reportedly brutal, gory, depraved, sick, twisted horror flick from Cabin Fever director Eli Roth, and endorsed by Quentin Tarantino, who likes to present other people’s projects instead of making his own flicks. Here’s the premise: Three backpackers head to a European city for a little hedonistic fun. They stay at a hostel, and end up in hell instead. It’s getting rave reviews, with adjectives like “daring” and “haunting” used to describe it. I’m not much of a horror freak, but even I kind of dug Eli Roth’s last flick, and this one by all accounts kicks his talents up to an even better level. If you’re a fan of splatter-driven horror movies or simply like getting sick to your stomach, Hostel is the thing to see this weekend.
Still in theaters and worth your time: Munich, Walk the Line, King Kong, The Chronicles of Narnia, Brokeback Mountain
