You know, it really doesn’t matter anymore if a movie is good or not. The best movies of the past few months have flopped. Great films like V for Vendetta and Slither barely find an audience while stuff like When a Stranger Calls pulls in huge crowds who invariably walk out of the film complaining about how bad it was. You’ve only yourselves to blame folks, and this weekend when you’re stuck choosing between The Benchwarmers and Phat Girlz as your viewing choices just remember: this is all your fault.
Sneak Preview
Kinky Boots gets 110 nationwide sneak previews on Saturday, and I’m not sure why. It’s a film about cross dressers and seems ideally suited as an arthouse curiosity. Arthouse curiosities rarely get sneak previews. Does this mean it’ll get a wide release? I doubt it.
Expanding
< The tobacco lobby satire Thank You For Smoking expands into 300 theaters this Friday, giving all you Aaron Eckhart fans a chance to support him in a movie that doesn’t suck for once. If you’re a big proponent of smoking, you’ll probably still like it. Just pretend you don’t know it’s satirical… and enjoy your cancer.
Limited Releases (Opening in fewer than 500 theaters.)
Friends With Money hits 28 theaters this weekend and stars the overexposed, future Mrs. Jennifer Vaughn in a film about how rich people hate talking about money and how much poor people would really like to have some. Money that is. For a Jennifer Anniston movie, there’s been very little buzz on it, which probably isn’t a good sign. Instead, the new limited release I’m keeping an eye on is On a Clear Day, a British movie about fighting old age, retirement, and obsolescence by swimming the English Channel. It’s only in 5 theaters, but there’s a chance it’ll expand into cities outside of New York and Los Angeles in a few weeks.
The Benchwarmers (Opens in 3,274 theaters.)
Benchwarmers is the touching story of three nerds playing sports to get revenge on all the people who’ve been beating them up. Maybe it’ll be number one this weekend, but I’m going to go ahead and proclaim John Heder’s career officially over. That’s what happens when you star in a movie with comedic poison like Rob Schneider and David Spade. If the film makes money, it’ll probably be because it’s yet another bad movie not screened for the press. Hollywood has avoided screening an unprecedented number of movies for critics this year, and they aren’t doing it because these films are good. This one, like all the others not screened, is guaranteed bad.
Phat Girlz (Opens in 1,056 theaters.)
WB star Monique appears in a film that tells women it’s ok to be morbidly obese. Sure, you’ll be dead before fifty but at least you have a healthy body image… right? There’s a difference between being curvy and being an unhealthy tub of lard. The girls in this movie are on a path towards diabetes, not a wonderfully sexy, curvy exterior. I can’t support any movie that encourages already fat America to get even fatter, but I have to give the film at least a little credit. This one was screened for the press. The balls on these fat chicks!
Lucky Number Slevin (Opens in 1,806 theaters.)
Lucky Number Slevin stars a massive cast of celebrity faces in a mistaken identity heist flick with Josh Hartnett at the center. It’s gotten mediocre reviews, and might be entertaining. But I have the uncomfortable feeling that they came up with the name for the film before actually writing the script. See, the main character’s name is Slevin. Get it? Ha! It looks better than Phat Girlz, but then what doesn’t?
Take the Lead (Opens in 3,009 theaters.)
Take the Lead stars Antonio Banderas and a cast of thirty-year-olds playing high school kids, in the story of a dance teacher inspiring a bunch of underprivileged problem students. I’m a closet fan of Antonio Banderas, and not just because he’s sexy. The guy has an outrageous accent, but he’s also an outrageously talented actor. Sure this premise has been done to death, but Antonio has the chops for it and it looks a lot better than any of this weekend’s other new release alternatives. If you haven’t seen it, check out V for Vendetta. But if you’re already V’d out, then give Antonio and his happy feet a chance.
