8/12 – 8/14 The Dukes of Hazzard slipped into the last weekend of summer, so it’s appropriate that this week Deuce Bigalow 2 heralds the cinematic crapfest between summer and Oscar season. Let’s hope Serenity has something, or it’s going to be a long wait till November. It’s a good time to head to the art houses… assuming your town is big enough to have one… which it probably isn’t. Independent filmmaking hates you Ackley, Iowa.
Here’s a look at what’s opening this weekend:
Misc. Limited Releases (Opening on fewer than 500 screens.)
Asylum (opening in a meager 5 theaters) tells the story of a really nutty woman who abandons her doctor husband in favor of a mental patient. She helps him escape because he’s hot… it doesn’t bother her much that he bashed his last wife’s head in. Women love bad boys! Also in limited release is Grizzly Man, debuting (and unlikely to expand) in 25 theaters. Perhaps you remember the story of the Treadwells, bear experts eaten by their not-so-cuddly-as-they-thought friends. Werner Herzog has turned their lives (and consumption) into a feature film documentary. But what really has my eye is The Aristocrats, expending into a full frontal 80 theaters. Though there have been one or two mixed reviews, Penn Jillette’s documentary about the world’s dirtiest joke is getting absolute raves. I’m a big fan of Penn’s, and can’t wait to get a look at it. This one’s not for the easily offended though, so if that’s you please stay in bed.
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo (Opens in 3,127 theaters.)
I’m man enough to admit that I really laughed my ass off watching the original Deuce Bigalow. Sure, it’s dumb, disgusting, and maybe even despicable, but Schneider and Griffin deliver something… I’m not sure what that is, but it’s something and it’s funny. So look, most critics are going to hate the sequel no matter what, but I went into it with a pleasant outlook. I hate it too. It’s dumb, disgusting, and maybe even despicable, but it just isn’t funny. It’s just vile. The kind of vile that makes your stomach rock back and forth and release bile into your throat. The funniest joke in the film is use of the world “prosti-dude” and the film takes a flying leap towards suckdom from there. I’m usually well and ready to stand up as a Rob Schneider apologist, I’m the guy who gave a positive review to The Hot Chick after all, but not this time Rob. You blew it.
The Great Raid (Opens in 819 theaters.)
A war movie starring Benjamin Bratt? No thank you. He wore out his welcome about five minutes after William Shatner walked of screen in the original Miss Congeniality. Since being dumped by Julia Roberts he’s had to sink all the way to an appearance in Catwoman. The Great Raid is getting mediocre reviews and looks like another mediocre war movie. If you’re jonesing for heavily armed, man on man, realism based drama check out television. I hear good things about “Over There”. The film’s been stuck on the shelf for years, and now that they’ve freed it up its only trundling out in a barely-wide, 800+ theater release. That should make it pretty easy for you to avoid it. Not much chance of wandering into the wrong screen accidentally.
The Skeleton Key (Opens in 2,770 theaters.)
The overrated Kate Hudson returns to the screen without her big fuzzy boots in a creepily advertised bayou horror/thriller. Kate alone is enough to keep me away, but throw her in the midst of my least favorite genre and that’s a guaranteed Josh killer. Hudson stars as a nurse caring for an invalid stuck in a web of crazy, New Orleans voodoo. I love a good thriller, but they’re so rare it’s as if the entire genre is running off the fumes left over from The Sixth Sense years ago. Still, with the great Gena Rowlands and John Hurt in the cast you can’t totally discount The Skeleton Key. At least it’s not another slasher or a remake of a bad Japanese horror flick that wants to be The Ring. It’s a slow weekend, if you have to, see this over Deuce Bigalow. Anything’s better than that.
Four Brothers (Opens in 2,553 theaters.)
A few weeks ago this is a film that was getting fantastic buzz. Then, like so many movies have this year (except Batman which people are quick to praise and apologize for all in one breath) things turned sour not long before release. Four Brothers is the story of well, four brothers seeking vengeance for the death of their mother, presumably in some nefarious ghetto. You know there may be violence, because Mark Wahlberg is wearing a mobbed up leather jacket. With a cast featuring mostly rappers and guys who like to pretend they never were rappers, it might not be fair to expect too much from the film. Still, it’s better than European Gigolo, and in a week like this you can’t ask for more than that. Give Four Brothers a chance.
STILL IN THEATERS AND WORTH YOUR TIME: Sky High, The Island, March of the Penguins, Fantastic Four
