9/2 - 9/4 I’m going to be honest; I’m not really all that interested in movies this week. It’s hard to think about anything other than what’s going on in Louisiana and the other Katrina ravaged Gulf states. But, this is a movie site, not a news site, so I’m not going to spend time talking about something that people far more adequate than me are covering elsewhere. For now, we’ll just stick to movies. I suppose we all need a break from the horrors of New Orleans. Get out, get away from the news for awhile and clear your mind. It’ll be good for you. Box office totals should be miserably low, since there’s nothing decent hitting theaters and well… it’s just that time of year. So the place will be quiet, peaceful and empty. That makes for good viewing. Here’s the usual look at what’s opening in movie theaters across the United States of America (in the places that have electricity) this weekend:
Misc. Limited Releases (Opening on fewer than 500 screens.)
This is the weekend of Margaret Cho. It’s a good time to skip the art houses and hit a megaplex. It’s a limited release wasteland, unless you want to see the single theater released Three Dancing Slaves, a film which cannot possibly live up to the images conjured in my head by the title. Stay away from the art houses unless you want to catch up on some older releases. Go to a megaplex and watch something blow up, like maybe Steve Carell’s sexuality.
Underclassman (Opens in 1,132 theaters.)
Here’s a perfect example of why US box office numbers are really down. Underclassman stars Nick Cannon in a comedy about a detective who goes undercover in an elite private school to fight off an international car theft ring. Also, Nick Cannon interacts with white people. It’s crazy cause see he’s black. It’s as if Beverly Hills Cop is remade two or three times a year with a progressively worse cast every time. Look for next year’s remade version to star Carrot Top in black face.
A Sound of Thunder (Opens in 816 theaters.)
It’s based on a short time travel story by sci-fi author and all around genius Ray Bradbury, which sounds pretty good until you dig a little into the history of this project. It’s been dragging around forever, with the studio looking for any way possible to avoid releasing it. They’ve finally just given up and dumped it in the first weekend of September, where no one is likely to notice. It’s really a shame it’s such a failure too, the idea is an interesting one and they roped in a good enough cast to pull it off. Edward Burns, Ben Kingsley, Catherine McCormack. But by all accounts this one is bad, really bad. As an aside, does anyone else wonder what the heck happened to Ben Kingsley? He had a brief resurgence around the time of House of Sand and Fog and Sexy Beast, but since then it’s been nothing but crap flick after crap flick from him. The man’s a magnificently talented actor, and after his long career he has to be filthy rich. He can’t need the money. What the heck is he doing appearing in films like this? Pull it together Ben, and stay away from Jonathan Frakes.
Transporter 2 (Opens in 3,303 theaters.)
This is the weekend’s biggest release, and with good reason: it has kung fu. People love that shit. But, I have to wonder… has the whole world gone completely mad? The original Transporter is bar none one of the worst cinematic travesties I’ve ever witnessed. If it’s watchable, it’s only because the thing is so ridiculous and stupid, that at some point it starts to become funny. Apparently, some of you really like it. Sick. So they’ve made a sequel, in which the door kicking getaway driver from the first film returns. I assume he’ll do some more driving in this one, carefully calculating weight ratios before throwing people in his trunk and then jumping his car through flame. At least Jason Statham is back. No matter how bad that first movie is, it’s hard not to like and root for the guy. He’s flat out cool; he just needs a decent movie to be cool in. Maybe they’ve improved things for the sequel. It can’t be worse than the original.
The Constant Gardener (Opened Wednesday in 1,346 theaters.)
And then there’s The Constant Gardener, the tedious sounding, likely to be preachy, political thriller about drug company corruption in Africa. Not that politics are ever particularly thrilling. Unless that is, they’re accompanied by one of those overbearing, fear-mongering Michael Moore voiceovers. That fat bastard really knows how to sell partisanship. But this film is directed by Fernando Meirelles whom you may remember as the Oscar hugged director of City of God. Yeah I know, I didn’t see it either. No one did. But City of God is supposed to be better than sliced foreign bread, and since The Constant Gardener is opening wide enough to be easily available, consider giving Meirelles a chance.
