This is a big release weekend, though any movie hitting theaters ought to just go ahead and concede number one to The Incredibles right now. Especially The Polar Express which suffers horribly when compared to Pixar’s brilliance. Hang on while I tell you how to spend your weekend and navigate your way through a deluge of mediocre theater releases.
The Polar Express
The best CGI movie in theaters right now is called The Incredibles so don’t waste time with this unless you’ve got a hankering for extreme Christmas cheer. Personally, I think it’s a little early for that. The Polar Express would be more tolerable closer to December 25th… or at least post-Thanksgiving. It’s too early in the year to put up with this sort of schmaltz and I hate the release of uber-christmas movies before Thanksgiving nearly as much as I hate all those radio stations who’ve already begun playing nothing but Christmas toons as a way to get a jump on the Jingle Bell competition. Bah humbug.
Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
Women love it when Renee Zellweger gets fat, so no doubt many are pretty hyped to check this one out. I wouldn’t mind taking a look at it myself, though I may need to take a shot of estrogen before going in. However, while the first one was pretty well received, this one is getting a critical beating, in some cases on par with the sort of critical loathing that reviewers usually reserve theses days only for the work of Ben Affleck. Should Renee start dating Jennifer Lopez her career will no doubt be over, but this isn’t a killer for her. I suspect Bridget will make a hefty ransom at the box office, but ladies, you can do better.
Seed of Chucky
Better does not describe Seed of Chucky a film we’ve somehow managed to monopolize all the coverage in the world on in our news section, yet failed to get an early review. In fact this afternoon I received a frantic email informing me that all critics were being unceremoniously uninvited from a planned press screening this evening. Translation: This movie sucks, they know it, and they don’t want you to know about it. Even the bobbing bust of Jennifer Tilly can’t save it from a fate worse than AvP, cause that’s where it’s headed.
Finding Neverland
This is absolutely one of my favorite movies of the year. Finding Neverland is a masterpiece and yet another mind-blowing Johnny Depp performance. Everyone should seek this movie out and see it. It’s just the sort of thing that gives you good feelings. It’s a perfect movie to watch with your family around Christmas… though Jesus birthday has absolutely nothing to do with it. It has that sort of It’s a Wonderful Life emotional vibe to it, the kind so few manage to get. Unfortunately, it’s only opening in New York and LA this weekend, which means for most of us it’s totally out of reach and thus cannot be my pick. Still, keep your eyes peeled for it in the coming weeks as it expands and opens wider. Watch for it, seek it out.
Kinsey
I’m crazy excited to see Kinsey, because here’s a little secret… I love Liam Neeson. Maybe not even in a heterosexual way. Oh my god! You should protest CinemaBlend. Because you see that’s what a lot of people are already doing to Kinsey. To be fair, these people are utterly stupid and themselves unclear as to the reasons why they are protesting. They heard this was a movie about sex, and of course since sex is evil they need to crush quickly so they’ll have plenty of time to stop by the pharmacy and pick up their prescription for Viagra. It’s a true story about the first person to honestly look at sex in America. He was persecuted for trying to find out the truth about human sexuality and now his movie will be persecuted for trying to tell the truth about him. Something about that is absolutely poetic. Unfortunately, much like Finding Neverland, this is another one only opening in New York and LA this weekend, so I can’t in good conscience order you all to see it, since for those of you in Iowa doing so would require the purchase of a hefty plane ticket. Keep an eye out for it when it does open winder and seek this one out too.
After the Sunset - CB PICK!
If you’ve already seen The Incredibles half a dozen times and can quote all the dialogue by heart then the new release to check out this weekend is After the Sunset. Pierce Brosnan does what he’s been dying to do for years now, throw off the suave, clean shaven Bond role and become a grungy beachcomber who also just happens to be an ex-master thief. He retires, moves to the tropics with Salma Hayek and then decides he sees a diamond so pretty he needs to steal it. Also, he ends up in bed with Woody Harrelson… I think it’s plutonic. It likely is not a great movie, but it may be a decent movie, certainly one worth more of a look than the other suspicious cats hitting screens across the nation this weekend. You can’t go wrong with Salma Hayek (or for the ladies Pierce Brosnan) in a bikini.
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