Too lazy to read all the wonderful news our insightful crew scours the globe to bring you every day? Too outmoded to have an MP3 player for the podcast? Shame on you all! However, being the generous lot we are, welcome to news:blended, your weekly guide to the most interesting stories reported on Cinema Blend over the last seven days.
Our intro says that this is for the “most interesting” stories of the week. I never really realized that, since I never really read the intro. I’m gonna have to change the way I do things. Damn. Oh well, next week, it will be all about the “most interesting” stories, this week, you get the following:
SATURDAY
Batman gives you a virus.
How now Steve Chow.
The Dark Knight, which is the best movie I haven’t seen, is infecting the web with infotainment. Viral sites are popping up on a computer screen near you. As Navin Johnson’s parents told him; if you catch this virus, see a doctor and get rid of it. No one wants to get rid of Stephen Chow. His Kung Fu Hustle was the funniest kung fu movie of 2004, bar none. He has a new sci-fi film coming and the trailer has him asking his young son if he is on drugs. That sort of line never gets old.
SUNDAY
Are you not entertained?
From Newsies to Terminator in 12 easy steps.
Brad Pitt got all superstar on State of Play and dropped out. This leaves the movie without someone who can guarantee a box office of about $30 million. This is what Pitt usually garners when he’s not paired with Clooney or Jolie. Russell Crowe could replace Pitt, or maybe the whole movie will have to start from scratch with finger puppets. Finger puppets won’t work on the next Terminator movie, not scary enough. Real live actors are called for, or at least close approximations. Christian Bale might be one of those actors, and he might play a real person rather than a machine, which is nice.
MONDAY
Watch the Watchmen…pictures.
Guys on strike whine about how strike is making things hard for them.
It won’t be long before our esteemed editor, Josh Tyler, begins having a literal orgasm every time he writes the word, Watchmen. He’s so super-excited about the movie that you get the idea it can and will cure cancer. For right now, you’ll have to settle for some on-set pictures. Josh is excited about them, anyway. Not so excited is J.J. Abrams. He is complaining that because of that stupid writer’s strike, nothing can be added to the script of his Star Trek movie while filming. Instead of whining, he should blame the striking writers, who include…J.J. Abrams. Dumb-ass.
TUESDAY
She’s big, blue, and beautiful.
The writer’s strike may be over….or it may continue.
If you are going to make a science fiction movie to appeal to today’s discriminating theater-goer, you really need some huge alien chick bazoons. That is the theory of James Cameron anyway. Some concept art for Avatar leaked on-line and it’s of a blue woman with four fingers and a tail. And hooters. Big hooters. Fortunately, Cameron already has a script, since you may have heard there is a writer’s strike. Well, it’s all almost over. A deal is this close. At least, that was the case a few days ago and since then nothing has happened. So I guess it isn’t quite this close.
Rambo: The Killing Machine
I want to go on record (again) saying that Rambo is going to suck. I liked First Blood, it even had a whiny David Caruso. The old trailer for the new movie, however, just makes me giggle. The new trailer for the new movie just makes me sad. Not as sad as Jake Gyllenhaal will be when he has to play a drunk Joe Namath on the sidelines trying to french Suzy Kolber. Maybe that little episode won’t make it into the Namath movie that Gyllenhaal will star in.
THURSDAY
The Devil wants you to see Golden Compass.
Stills are like the movie, only without the move part.
I don’t usually blend something I wrote. It makes me feel cheap and dirty. Like Brett Ratner when he cashes a check. Still, it’s good to point out that The Golden Compass movie won’t be as god-hating as the book but that won’t stop the Catholic League from being upset. Upsetting the Catholic League isn’t such a bad thing. Thursday was also stills day as we put up a ton of them, including those from Semi-Pro. I want to beg Will Ferrell to stop making movies because he thinks the clothes and hair are going to be funny.
FRIDAY
Peter Piper picks a peck of 3D peppers.
Hellboy looks like…Hellboy.
There is a very unconfirmed rumor out that Peter Jackson will direct The Hobbit after all. What’s more, it will be in 3-D like all of your favorite films. Wait, I’ll think of one. This needs to be confirmed by someone, but get your Orc costumes out of mothballs, you’ve got a premier coming! Also coming is Hellboy 2. Surprisingly, the Hellboy character will appear in this movie and he looks exactly like the Hellboy character in the first Hellboy movie, Hellboy. Take a gander at him in all his Hellboy glory.
That’s all for another week of news blending. It’s like what you get at Jamba Juice, but cheaper and not quite as healthy. If you liked it or didn’t, leave some feedback.
