Too lazy to read all the wonderful news our insightful crew scours the globe to bring you every day? Too outmoded to have an MP3 player for the podcast? Shame on you all! However, being the generous lot we are, welcome to news:blended, your weekly guide to the most interesting stories reported on Cinema Blend over the last seven days.
The summer movie season has picked up steam with the arrival of Shrek the Third and the continued money making of Spider-Man 3. In honor of the green guy, we put out a Guide to Shrek and named our top 5 computer animated movies of all time.
SATURDAY
Cage to practice saying “you don’t got the bookkeeper, you got nothing!”
The worst idea in the history of movies proposed.
Prequels of movies made 20 years ago are usually not a good idea. Prequels directed by someone on a 10 year losing streak also don’t get us excited. But The Untouchables: Capone Rising does have some promise with Nic Cage as the young Al Capone. If only they change the title, which reeks. Also in the reeking arena is the idea that hack director Michael Bay will direct The Hobbit. Of all the rumors that pass through our fingers, this is the one I’d pay $30 to make sure it doesn’t happen. Cash.
SUNDAY
Even the battle for second place wasn’t that interesting.
Movie about skanky dolls seeps into your consciousness.
The biggest surprise of the box office weekend wasn’t the continued domination of Spider-Man 3. It also wasn’t that the critically crapped on The Ex completely missed the top 10. It was that 350,000 (or so) people went to see Delta Farce. You people are idiots. In the same vein, the first trailer for Bratz: The Movie is out. We seem to cover this movie quite a bit and I’m at a loss to figure out why. But if you have daughters who you hope and pray will grow up to be sluts, this is the doll and movie for you.
MONDAY
We rank the computer animated movies so you don’t have to.
Lousy Korean singer has loyal fans.
After forcing all his movie writers to pick the top 5 superhero movies a few weeks back, Editor-in-Chief Josh Tyler made us pick the top 5 computer animated movies. We don’t get paid extra for this stuff, guys. That may be the reason we listed one movie on both lists, just to cut down our workload. As you check out the results, be sure to vote for your top computer animated movie. Also try to comment and tell us how we should have included your favorite if we didn’t have our heads jammed so far up our rectums.
I’m always surprised when a) someone actually reads something I write, and b) what they will actually take the time to comment on. The first time this happened was a news item I wrote about a knitting movie. I really pissed off some knitters with that one, let me tell you. Well, now I’ve pissed off fans of the Korean pop singer Rain. I implied that he can’t actually sing well and gets along by dancing and having a good body. Some of his fans begged to differ. I’m sure they are wrong, but the fact that was the story that got a few feedback comments was what really interested me. Oh yeah, he’s going to be in Speed Racer, which is how this whole thing came up in the first place.
TUESDAY
A pair of up-and-coming directors plan on working together.
David Mamet will write some f-bombs for Tim Allen.
After Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson finish their current much-awaited movies, they will team to make a movie based on a 1930’s Belgian comic strip, ‘Tintin’. When oh when will Hollywood stop ripping off 1930 comics from Europe and come up with some original ideas. The directing titans love this comic strip so much, they will make three movies altogether. Another titan, writer David Mamet, has written and directed some very good films including one with funny guy Steve Martin. Now he’s going to try and get a good performance out of Tim Allen. That’s not as easy as it sounds as Allen is becoming something of a paycheck actor. Hopefully Mamet will turn him around.
Peel the layers of the Shrek onion and see all there is to see.
Psycho former heavyweight champion subject of documentary.
Shrek the Third charged onto about a billion movie screens this weekend and you might think, to paraphrase David Byrne, how did we get here? Josh Tyler pulls together all of our Shrek related stuff and puts it in one place for you lazy bastards. So do yourself a favor and acquaint or re-acquaint yourself with everyone’s favorite green ogre. Really, he’s the only green ogre we know, but that shouldn’t factor into it at all. Another type of ogre is former heavyweight champion and current loony bin candidate, Mike Tyson. Cry-baby director James Tobak (a few years ago he blamed his film’s poor box office on their ratings rather than on the fact that they sucked) will produce a documentary on Tyson based on interviews he conducted with the brain-dead ex-champ.
THURSDAY
Movie about a bee stars some washed-up TV guy.
Transformer trailer will turn hater into lover.
New trailers got released and it got us all warm and tingly about a few big movies. Bee Movie stars Jerry Seinfeld as a bee. That would be some gnarly acting if it weren’t for the whole animation thing. The trailer makes the movie look both funny and exciting, let’s hope the movie makes the movie look that way, too. Meanwhile, a new Transformer looks super cool and may get you more excited about seeing the film on Independence Day. Of course, the trailers for Pearl Harbor looked pretty good, too, and that movie was crummy. Don’t be fooled, people, be strong.
FRIDAY
I’m so shocked by this news I can’t even come up with a clever title.
When I saw our headline about the possibility of the Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen (I reversed their names on purpose, doesn’t it seem wrong to read them that way) being cast in the next James Bond movie, I thought it was a joke. And not the usual snarky half-assed jokes we make, but a April Fool’s type joke. It might still be, but everyone seems pretty serious. That’s a shame, not that Bond girls are great thespians, but I have daughters and I’ve seen the Olsen twins movies at all ages and they can’t act their way out of paper bag. A wet one.
That’s all for another week of news blending. It’s like what you get at Jamba Juice, but cheaper and not quite as healthy. If you liked it or didn’t, leave some feedback.
