Too lazy to read all the wonderful news our insightful crew scours the globe to bring you every day? Too outmoded to have an MP3 player for the podcast? Shame on you all! However, being the generous lot we are, welcome to news:blended, your weekly guide to the most interesting stories reported on Cinema Blend over the last seven days.
I saw The Incredible Hulk and found it to be pretty not great. It wasn’t as not great as Ang Lee’s Hulk, which was very, very not great. It was more not great than most superhero movies like Spider-Man, Batman Begins, and Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. Just kidding about that last one, that was the most not great movie ever.
SATURDAY
This movie looks a lot like Sin City. I mean, A LOT.
Zack and Miri don’t make a trailer.
I saw a trailer for The Sprit and, wow, does it look a lot like Sin City. Frank Miller hasn’t directed anything but the parts of Sin City that Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino didn’t direct, but it’s time to get a new look. It’s also time for Kevin Smith to release a good movie that I want to see. I hope his next one is it. It certainly wasn’t his last one, or the one before that, or…..
SUNDAY
Dwight Schrute is a ninja, ‘nuff said.
30 days of direct-to-DVD selling.
We can’t imagine a better way to see Dwight Schrute than as a ninja in a movie with the word bonzai in the title. Actually, I like seeing him as a salesman at a mid-range paper supply company. I have small dreams, though. Someone else with small dreams is whoever is planning the 30 Days of Night sequel. It could go direct to DVD. That means that the movie is not good enough to be in theaters. It’s worse than Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins. Now that is scary.
MONDAY
The Rocker kills werewolves disguised as his neighbor’s dog.
The suckiest piece of suck that ever sucked.
I can’t wait to see The Rocker. It looks like the role Rainn Wilson was born to play if he wasn’t already playing the role he was born to play on television. We interviewed him about the movie and he said stuff like “yeah, it’s a great movie and if everyone comes to see it, I’ll be rich, rich I tells ya!” Not in those exact words, but, you know. If everyone can avoid going to see the Pink Panther 2 movie, then maybe they will stop making them and Steve Martin can use his considerable talent doing something that doesn’t kill dolphins. I can’t prove dolphin murder is related to the Pink Panther remakes, but I can’t prove it isn’t, either. Why take a chance?
TUESDAY
Torture porn: Like real porn, but not as fun.
Iron Man without Favreau is like pizza without cantaloupe.
We took a break from blasting fans of different types of movies for awhile, but we’re back sticking it to people who like stupid things. This week it’s fans of “torture porn.” We don’t like them or their movies or those stupid haircuts they probably have. Get a haircut and a copy of Mother, Jugs, and Speed, and stop with all the killing movies. Marvel wants to maybe stop with all the Jon Favreau movies. Although he did a great job with Iron Man, they figure they can hire Hector McMalley to direct the sequel and it will be just as good. No offense to Mr. McMalley, who is a made up person, but he is no Jon Favreau.
Rafe tells M. Night how to not suck.
Band on the run, minus the band.
M. Night Shyamalan’s latest offering, The Happening is not happening. Unless you translate the word “happening” as: lambasted by critics who would rather eat their own elbows than watch your movie again. Rafe has some advice for M. Night on how he can start making good movies again. Most of the advice can be summarized as, “don’t be such an egotistical jack-a-napes.” Speaking of jack-a-napes, and I’m sure I was, those polygamist Mormon offshoot guys are the personification of jack-a-napeses. A new movie showing what jack-a-napses they are will star Katherine Heigl. The only problem with this casting is that I look more like Katherine Heigl than any women in those polygamist sects. .
THURSDAY
Cynical Blend strikes again!
If Lucas hates it, it must be great.
All week we were going back and forth on if Captain America was going to appear in The Incredible Hulk. It turns out to be no, unless you think blue serum is the same as a man in a red, white, and blue costume with a red, white, and blue shield. If you do equate those things, you are not rowing with both oars in the water, you’re using a cookie sheet or something. Speaking of bad nautical metaphors, George Lucas is a big douche. At least, that’s what a lot of people think. Not the people who buy movie tickets, since every movie with his name on it makes 10 kachingillion dollars, but other people who wish he’d used a different Indy 4 script.
FRIDAY
Hulk eat pizza.
They are special, at least their mom’s think so.
There wasn’t much going on around the old CinemaBlend clubhouse on Friday, so Rafe and Josh debated if it would be better to chuck CGI Hulk and replace him with Lu Ferrigno Hulk. I tried to bring up a related debate: Should we travel across the country on pogo-sticks instead of jets, because pogo-sticks have that old-tymie feel to them? Everyone ignored me. It’s becoming a regular occurrence. I also will get ignored at Comic-Con when it comes time to see some cool City of Ember stuff. That’s because it is being reserved for some hand picked journalist. I am neither hand-picked or a journalist, so I’ll be looking for whatever upcoming character is going to ensconced in leather.
That’s all for another week of news blending. It’s like what you get at Jamba Juice, but cheaper and not quite as healthy. If you liked it or didn’t, leave some feedback.
