Everybody loves Stephen King. I love Stephen King. You love Stephen King. Your pets love Stephen King. Stephen King’s the best! And since he’s the best, he has two of his own Funko Pops! One with blood, and one without. And leave it to a Funko fanatic like myself to have both.
But do you know what’s crazy? Out of all the Stephen King stories out there, only four of them (four!) have a collection of Pops associated with them—Carrie, It, The Shining, and The Dark Tower (but the movie Dark Tower, which means, alas, I’ll never get Eddie Dean, Susannah, or Oy the Bumbler.) That’s just no good. So here is a list of other Stephen King Funko Pops that need to be made, A.S.A.P!
The Green Mile
“Dead man. Dead man walking!” The Green Mile is one of those movies you sometimes forget is from a Stephen King novel. That and The Shawshank Redemption, but I’ll get to that one later. It’s a spooky story, but it’s one that is mostly grounded in reality. Well, until Michael Clarke Duncan’s character starts spewing flies from his mouth.
If Pops were made, I’d of course want Michael Clarke Duncan’s John Coffey with his huge muscles, his overalls and his tight yellow shirt, but I’d also want Tom Hanks’s Paul Edgecomb, and Sam Rockwell’s “Wild Bill” Wharton. But no more than that. The Green Mile cast is pretty big, and I’m running out of room in my basement for Funko Pops.
The Shawshank Redemption
Another one of those, “Stephen King wrote that?” stories, The Shawshank Redemption is actually a novella called Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption, and it appears in a book of four stories called Four Seasons. Apt Pupil and The Body, which would later become Stand By Me (More on that later) also appear in that book. No word yet on when the fourth story in that collection, The Breathing Method, will be made into a movie, but—bad pun ahead—I wouldn’t hold my breath.
Anyway, I want Tim Robbins’, Andy Dufresne with his flashlight and rock hammer, and Morgan Freeman’s Red. And maybe Bob Gunton’s Warden Norden, too. Bonus points if they actually include a small poster of Rita Hayworth in the Andy Dufresne box.
The Stand
It’s interesting how Stephen King’s magnum opus, The Stand, doesn’t have any Pops whatsoever. But it might be because there has only been a television miniseries about it rather than a full-fledged movie. Whatever the case, Stephen King sticklers can sort of say we HAVE gotten somebody from The Stand as a Pop since we’ve already gotten Randall Flagg, a.k.a. The Man in Black from The Dark Tower series. But come on now. That box distinctly says, The Dark Tower on it. Not The Stand. And I need a box that says, The Stand, dammit!
The Stand, like The Green Mile, is another story that has a LOT of characters. The ones I want in Pop form are the white haired, Mother Abigail, Stewart Redman, Tom Cullen, with his blond hair and his overalls, and--why not?--Captain Trips. That’s right, I want a Pop of the actual disease that wipes out most of the population on Earth. It could be a big pink cloud for all I care. I want it. Maybe we'll get some The Stand pops after the CBS All Access miniseries arrives.
Christine
Christine is a red Plymouth Fury that kills people. I would like to say that Christine is one of Stephen King’s stranger stories, but it’s not. It’s actually pretty standard stuff for Mr. King. I mean, have you actually read the novel, It? There’s a scene in that novel with an all-powerful turtle. So a car killing people is almost tame in comparison.
I would honestly only want a Pop of the car itself. Because if Cruz Ramirez from Cars 3 can get one, I’m really not sure why a badass, possessive car like Christine can’t have her own Pop, too.
The Running Man
Fun fact: A lot of people don't know this, but The Running Man is a Stephen King story. The thing is, he wrote it under his pseudonym, Richard Bachman, so a lot of people tend to forget to mention this story when they’re rattling off Stephen King books made into movies. But the movie is extremely different from the novel, which is more of a deadly game show gone rather than a man actually on the run. But who cares that it's different when the movie is so much fun?
If they ever made Pops of The Running Man, they would have a wide assortment to choose from. They would of course have Arnold Schwarzenegger's character, Ben Richards, dressed in his yellow outfit, but they should also have Damon Killian, Captain Freedom, Buzzsaw, and Dynamo (Clap if you love Dynamo!). And I know what you’re thinking. What about Sub-zero? Well, no. Because as we all know “here is Sub-zero. Now…plain zero!”
Cujo
Bad doggie! Bad! Cujo, the story of a St. Bernard bitten by a bat that makes him go crazy, is one of King’s more popular works (even though Uncle Stevie says he barely even remembers writing it). So why isn’t there a Pop of him already?
Like Christine, I just want the title character when it comes to making a Pop. The hard part though would probably be in making Cujo look semi-threatening. Because you know these Pops. They’re adorable! So maybe they could emphasize the raggedness around Cujo's eyes and jowls, or maybe add some foam to its mouth. Yeah, I can see it already. Terrifying!
Salem's Lot
Salem’s Lot was actually Stephen King’s second published novel, and it’s super popular. It was also King’s favorite novel of his until he switched over to loving Lisey’s Story, It, and 11/22/63.And I can see why he loves this one so much. It’s the story of a town that is becoming overrun by vampires. What’s not to love?
I really only want one Pop for Salem’s Lot, and that is of the iconic Kurt Barlow, who is the head vampire in Salem’s Lot. That blue face. Those sharp teeth and those yellow eyes. It’s probably still the creepiest vampire I’ve ever seen. Nightmares from my childhood. I want that again. In Pop form.
Stand By Me
As mentioned earlier when I talked about The Shawshank Redemption, Stand By Me is known as The Body and can be found in King’s Four Seasons book. Stand By Me’s premise is simple. Four boys out walking stumble upon a dead body. Angst and meditation ensue. The film hit theaters in 1986.
The Pop version would have all of the boys. Wil Wheaton as Gordie, River Phoenix as Chris—with a cigarette dangling from his mouth, of course—Corey Feldman as Teddy with the glasses, and Jerry O’ Connell as Vern with an accompanying leach on his neck. And I’m kind of close to including Kiefer Sutherland as Ace with his switchblade on this list, but… yeah. Kiefer as Ace, too. Why the hell not?
Misery
Misery was directed by Rob Reiner, just like Stand By Me. So no wonder they’re so good! Basically, an obsessed fan captures her favorite author and ties him up to a bed, demanding that he write the stories the way she wants them written. It might be fair to guess the story was inspired by King venting at all the letters he was probably getting in the mail of fans getting upset about him just mercilessly killing off his characters. Sigh. Just another day in the life of a popular author.
Only two Pops would be necessary when it comes to Misery. Kathy Bates’s character, Annie Wilkes—with mallet in tow—and James Caan’s character, Paul Sheldon, laid up in a cast. Because (wait for it) Misery loves company. Ah hur hur hur.
Thinner
Look, I love Stephen King (And Richard Bachman, who he wrote this strange tale under), but Thinner is a silly book and an even sillier movie. Telling the story of a morbidly obese lawyer who accidentally hits a gypsy woman with his car, setting a curse upon himself where he keeps losing weight, Thinner is low key one of Stephen King worst stories, but also one of my favorites.
If Pops were made for Thinner, I would actually want three different versions. One would be of an overweight Billy Halleck, played by Robert John Burke, and another would be of him wasting away. I’d also of course want Gypsy leader, Tadzu Lempke, played by Michael Constantine. “Die clean, white man from town. Die clean!”
The Langoliers
Put this in the “no way in hell” file, but I want Pops of The Langoliers! What are the Langoliers, you ask? Jeez, where do I begin? Appearing in King’s anthology novel, Four Past Midnight, the Langoliers are pretty much devourers of time. They fly around and basically clean up the universe. And…yeah, it’s about as weird as it sounds.
All I want is a Pop of a Langolier. I want it to be distorted, have multiple rows of teeth, and basically look like a flying mess of terrible CG, just like it did in the miniseries. I know I will never get this one, but a boy can dream, can’t he?
And that’s the list. Are there any other Stephen King Pops I might have missed? Sound off in the comments section below.
