For the longest time, I have had a Friday night tradition where I pick a random movie from the early 2000s and watch it in all its glory. Over the years, I've watched everything from Out Cold, the first two Fast & Furious movies, and most notably, the first entry in the xXx series. There's just something about watching Vin Diesel's portrayal of Xander Cage that lends itself to be enjoyed at midnight while wearing headphones so my wife and kids aren't awoken by the madness on the screen.
By all accounts, xXx and xXx: Return Of Xander Cage aren't the best movies to come out in the last 20 years, nor are they the best movies in Vin Diesel's extensive and surprisingly diverse filmography. Despite this, I love these absurd, action-packed, high-octane action flicks more than I probably should, but I'm not the least bit upset by this fact. Sometimes you need a dumb "spy" film after a long week.
But upon watching the two Xander Cage entries in the series (sorry, XXX: State Of The Union), I've noticed that everyone's favorite extreme sports enthusiast turned government agent should have died, or at least been seriously wounded on more than one occasion. It's a movie, I know, but there's no way someone could have survived some of these ridiculous stunts heavily featured in these two spy thrillers. Here are just sixXx times Xander Cage should have died.
Xander Cage Races An Avalanche On A Snowboard
There are so many death-defying stunts in the Xander Cage saga that it's hard to pick a place to start, but I think the whole "racing an avalanche on a snowboard" from xXx is good a place as any. When a communications tower used by Anarchy 99 (the evil terrorist group) needs to be destroyed in order to ward off an attack, Cage does what any righteous and insane person would do: cause an avalanche and snowboard down in front of it.
Although a group of evil henchmen on snowmobiles can't outrun the speeding avalanche as it rolls down the mountain, Cage is somehow able to stay in front of it. Why? Did you know he was an extreme sports athlete? It's not like the movie told us that multiple times prior to this point. Nevertheless, I absolutely love this illogical and suicidal run down the mountain. And this wasn't even the climax of the film (don't worry, I'll get back to that).
Cage Flies A Cargo Plane Into A Crashing Satellite And Jumps Without A Parachute
There was a 15-year break between the first and second appearance of Xander Cage, and he made up for his extended absence with one of the most ludicrous things I have seen in my entire life. Of course, I'm talking about the scene where Cage flies a cargo plane into the path of a crashing satellite before it can crash into a heavily populated city. But then Cage jumps out of the plane as it crashing towards the ground… with no parachute.
Flying a large plane into a satellite reentering Earth's atmosphere is one thing, but jumping out of a plane just before the point of contact with nothing but the shirt on your back is so extremely preposterous it defies reality or logic. But man, if that isn't one of the coolest things I've seen in an action movie since Dominic Toretto drove a car through several skyscrapers in Furious 7. Of course, Cage is able to catch falling cargo and ride down with a parachute, but everything up to that point should have killed him long ago.
Cage Blows Up A Chemical Weapon On A River And Survives
Remember how I previously said the whole snowboarding in front of an avalanche wasn't even the climax of the first xXx movie? That honor goes to the scene in which Cage parachutes (an American flag parachute) onto Ahab (a water-borne drone) to disarm the "Silent Night" biological weapon before it can be launched in the center of Prague. Oh, and he must do so before two jets blow Ahab out of the water. No pressure, right?
In the final moments of the scene, Cage is able to disarm and destroy the weapon before it can be launched, blowing up Ahab in the process. How Cage survived such a feat is beyond me. If the explosion didn't kill him, surely hitting the water at such a high rate of speed would have put him out of commission. Not Xander Cage. He swims to the banks of the river and lives to see another day.
Cage Is Chased By A Military Helicopter On A Dirt Bike
Before the action even really gets started in xXx, Xander Cage is sent on a test mission by the NSA to infiltrate a Colombian drug cartel. Along the way, Cage and his fellow recruits are captured and tortured by El Jefe (Danny Trejo) before eventually escaping to find themselves in the middle of a raid by the Colombian Army. Being the extreme athlete he is, Cage makes his way out of the compound on a dirt bike, only to be chased by a military helicopter firing down a barrage of bullets in front of, behind, and all around our quippy hero.
How not one bullet hit Cage or his bike during this offensive makes absolutely no sense. Surely, even if there wasn't a direct hit, there would have bullets bouncing around off structures or the ground in front of Cage, causing the debris to fly up and obstruct his path. But nope, not in this case. Cage is able to survive the attack and carry on with his business.
Cage Has A Fist Fight Atop Moving Vehicles On A Busy Street
One of my favorite moments in xXx: Return Of Xander Cage is the stellar "Cars Vs. Fists" scene where Cage is chasing Xiang (Donnie Yen) atop moving vehicles on a busy street. How either of the two characters survived constantly falling off cars, almost getting hit my cars, and having cars fly over their heads is a mystery that no one will ever be able to solve. I mean, in the span of 10 seconds, Cage and Xiang throw one another off the top of a semi-truck onto an SUV, slide off the SUV onto pavement at a rate of speed that would have killed or at least severely injured them, and are almost ran over.
Do they stop? No! They continue to chase one another and fight as cars speed past, jump over vehicles, sustain direct hits, and watch as two crashing cars fly over their heads. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, or any at all, but it sure does look pretty freaking cool.
Cage Skis Through The Jungle, Rides A Skateboard Down A Winding Road
And then there's the introduction scene to start the xXx: Return Of Xander Cage where our hero is seen jumping off a communications tower, skiing through the jungle, riding a skateboard down a winding mountain road where he dodges multiple cars and even uses one to gain speed, before finishing his jaunt on foot. You think he's on some secret government mission, but no, he's risking life and limb so that everyone in the small Dominican village can watch a soccer match.
While not as dangerous as some of the franchise's more notable sequences, it still boggles me how Cage was able to navigate the terrain without falling once or even getting a scratch along the way. The rate of speed at which he flies down the mountain defies reality, but makes for one of the best returns of a character in the history of action flicks.
Do you think Xander Cage should have survived any or all of those stunts, or do you think he should have been put in a body bag labeled xXx? We may never know if someone could actually survive crashing a plan into a satellite, an avalanche, or any other situation Cage put himself in throughout both movies, but it was enjoyable as hell watching him defy death without missing a beat. Let's just hope we see more of the same in the future.
