I love Home Alone.
Not the movies that came after the first two – those we do not count – but Home Alone and Home Alone 2 have become holiday classics within the Ramos household. I have plenty of memories of my Mom and me sitting down in our family room, watching Kevin and all his hijinks ensure, both saying the same lines together, laughing at the ways in which he tortured these burglars. Macaulay Culkin was truly a national treasure, and the movies bring back some of my most favorite memories. But over time, I started to wonder – how many of these injuries would truly seriously injure Harry and Marv? Or possibly even kill them?
Let’s be honest – the Home Alone movies are not realistic at all. I could do a whole other article about each and every single instance in both movies how the timeframes don’t add up, how Kevin can literally boobytrap a whole entire house and make macaroni and cheese within an hour, or how he somehow goes all the way through NYC from Chelsea to Battery Park within an hour as well. But that’s not what this article is for. Today, we are talking about the top ten seriously bad or fatal injuries that Marv and Harry received.
For context, I re-watched both Home Alone movies and rated each booby trap/injury on a scale of 1-5 (one being not that horrible with five leading to death), so you’re not going to see every single injury. But be prepared for a bloody doozy of a list, as these are the ones that ranked highest, from extremely damaging to likely fatal.
10. Harry Shot In The Groin With A BB Gun (Home Alone)
I know that many people will probably think this isn’t that bad of an injury, but hear me out. Let’s assume that these BB’s are metal. At that speed, that could actually cause serious ruptures to happen to the testicular area, and probably cause some issues for his little swimmers down there. He would need serious medical attention if he wanted to -- cough -- use them again at some point.
Although I’m not sure I want to think of these two guys procreating.
9. Crowbar To Harry’s Chest (Home Alone)
Near the end of Home Alone, Marv sees Buzz's Tarantula on Harry's chest and proceeds to beat hit him with a crowbar in an effort to kill it.
I mean, if I saw a spider of that size, I’d probably want to kill it too, but with how hard Marv hits Harry, there are surely going to be some broken ribs. And honestly, if the hit was hard enough, Marv could have easily punctured a lung as well if the rib breaks into it. You kind of need lungs to live, you know.
8. Harry’s Hand Is Burned To A Crisp (Home Alone)
Let's talk about the searing hot doorknob, that's so hot, it brands the palm of Harry's hand. While I could go on to say how unrealistic this trap is in general, I won’t ruin the fun of it. But I will say that if Harry were to actually have his hand burned at the temperature of this door, his skin would peel, bone would show – he’d probably need reconstructive surgery on his fingers, not just some scar from the ‘M’ on Kevin’s door.
7. Paint Cans To The Face (Home Alone)
Kevin uses paint cants strung from ropes to hit Marv and Harry in their faces and knock them down the stairs. This is assuming that the paint cans are full, but it would not only knock out multiple teeth, but most likely break their noses and jaws. And, depending on how they fell backwards onto the ground, they could break their backs as well. They really shouldn’t have even gotten up from this fall in the first place. But I don’t think it would be as bad as this one…
6. Hard Metal Pipe To The Head (Home Alone 2)
Kevin raises the stakes by adding a metal pipe to follow the paint cans in Home Alone 2. Literally everything would be broken in their head with how heavy and how hard that pipe was. Nose, face, possibly skull. But the pièce de resistance is that they fall backwards into the basement – falling about fifteen feet – and then the pipe is sent falling back on top of them. If the fall wouldn’t kill them (which is probably would), that pipe landing onto their chests would most likely seriously injure their bodies.
5. Marv Gets Hit In The Head With Cement Mix – From Three Stories Up (Home Alone 2)
This top five was so hard to make considering these are all horrible things to happen, but we’re starting out with this one. Not only does the cement bag pick up speed as it’s hurdling down into the basement, it hits Marv completely on the head. Given the weight of it, his neck would likely snap in an instant, along with his spine. He would be dead.
4. Harry’s Head Is Set On Fire (Home Alone)
The blowtorch scene in Home Alone is less deadly than the second time – which you’ll see in a bit – but again, the use of fire is so unrealistic in this movie because not only would it burn his head, it would burn through his skin, and probably cause skull damage. If he somehow survived getting his head literally burned apart (which he let happen for about five seconds just standing there), he would never be the same.
3. Harry’s Head Is Literally Exploded (Home Alone 2)
While it was a throwback to the blowtorch from the first movie (which was potentially deadly but not as much as this), it’s what happened afterwards that really seals the deal. He does a handstand (quite impressive for a guy that old) into a toilet bowl filled with lighter fluid. He would not come out of that. The burns to his head and face alone... it’s not even funny.
2. Marv Is Electrocuted Into A Skeleton (Home Alone 2)
Usually I’d place this as number one but at some careful analysis, the only reason I put this Home Alone 2 moment at two is because it is possible to survive getting electrocuted. But obviously not Marv. Nah, this dude is as fried as a piece of chicken. I’m not sure of how much voltage was passing through his body but he would probably have enough electricity in him to power a home when that trap was done.
1. Marv Gets Four Bricks To The Head – From The Roof Of A Brownstone (Home Alone 2)
This is it. The ultimate death. I know what you’re thinking – how can being pelted with bricks be worse than the last two? I’ll tell you – because it happens multiple times. Marv and Harry are standing on the sidewalk. Kevin is up on the roof of the brownstone, and he starts chucking bricks at them, all of them hitting Marv in face. If Marv had only been hit once with a brick, it would probably be way down this list, even though he would still probably be dead on impact from this height and speed. But it’s the fact that it happens not twice, not, thrice, but four times that I put it this high. At this point, his brains would be splattered all over the sidewalk and he would be dead meat. But I guess Marv’s head is just made of vibranium?
I think we can both collectively agree that Kevin has actually become a psychopath near the end of the second movie and he’s upgraded his traps into a Jigsaw type level of scary. But hey, he’s a kid, so it can’t be that bad…right? gulps nervously. Maybe the remake won't be as deadly?
