Giggity: World's Oldest Sperm Discovered In A Fossil

The world's oldest sperm has been found dwelling inside an Australian cave, just waiting to be discovered. Researchers were ecstatic to report that in addition to being the oldest sperm, it might very well be one the longest sperms known to man. Oldest, largest, and sperm...three words that in any other context would probably require a not safe for work tag, but this is Science. Completely gross Science, but Science none the less. People far smarter than us are calling this sperm “staggering”, as well, which means it's important Science.

It all started with a prehistoric shrimp. This shrimp, which is approximately one millimeter in size managed to create a sperm ten times its own size! It’s worth noting that the shrimp was in the presence of four other fine looking prehistoric shrimp females and they were all about to party. No pants party if you know what I mean. Brick does. You picking up what I’m putting down? If not, find yourself a book on how baby shrimp are made and return when you think you got a firm grasp on it.

Wouldn’t that be about the worst thing ever though? Here you are getting ready for some American Pie type of scenario to go down and then the world ends. Then you are fossilized so that one hundred and forty million years from now some dude can write an article about how close you were to success. But then you died. Then again there’s something legendary about showcasing your finest hour for the world to see even though it didn’t have time to happen.

While it is certainly one of the contenders for the largest sperm in the most awkward contest on the planet, the record belongs to a species of fruit fly which is capable of shooting around two inches per freaky deaky. Researchers claim, as Fox News reports, that this type of study helps us better understand these species and tells us more about them. They also admit that it’s a bit crude to mention in polite society. While I don’t disagree, I am writing about it to tell you. So condemning them for sharing this paleontological TMI would make me a hypocrite.