For Mother's Day: 5 Noble Straight Up Lies Our Moms Tell Us

When I was growing up, I did a lot of terrible things. I stole cookies, hit baseballs through windows, skipped school, refused to do my homework and generally acted like a selfish, unlettered heathen. More often than not, my mother doled out consequences for these screw-ups, but the most heinous punishments were always reserved for the times I was caught lying.

My mom told me a man is only as good as his word, and she believes that with every fiber of her being. Lying was the only sure way to wind up on her blacklist, and to this day, every single time I get that sinking feeling in my stomach after fudging the truth, it feels like my mother is going to come around the corner and yell at me. I’m sure that’s unhealthy, but that’s just the way it is.

Here’s the strange part though. My mother has lied to me more than any human being I have ever met. In retrospect, it seems like roughly thirty percent of the things she told me were at least partially false. In fact, I would go so far as to say there is no group in the world that collectively tells more falsities with a straight face than moms. Not lawyers, not bankers, not criminals and not cheating spouses.

From the moment they have children to the moment they die, mothers spew a steady stream of untruths, and that’s the reason why they’re so incredibly loveable. That’s the reason why there’s an entire day on the calendar in their honor. Moms don’t lie selfishly or foolishly. They lie to raise our self-esteems and to let us grow up without constantly feeling guilty. They lie because they’re wonderful people.

So, for Mother’s Day, here are 5 lies good moms tell us…

I Don’t Mind Cleaning Up

No one in the entire world has ever not minded cleaning up. Cleaning up is exponentially worse than doing whatever you want, and moms pick up our crap all the time. Even worse, they’re often the ones who bought us or prepared whatever it is they’re forced to eventually put away. From dirty dishes to piles of toys, we rip through entire rooms like malicious hurricanes, and they dutifully re-order our lives while telling us it’s not a problem. If we had cancer to cure or hundred thousand dollar checks to write as restitution, maybe this would be an excuse, but more often than not, they clean up while we do nothing productive whatsoever. In retrospect, I feel bad. Thanks for lying, mom.

I Think You’re Really Attractive, Twelve-Year-Old

There’s like five thousand attractive seventh graders in the entire world. Everyone else looks absolutely horrible on a daily basis. Most of the girls are incapable of picking out winning outfits, and most of the guys have weird voices and uncomfortable bodies. Deep down, we know it as middle school outcasts, but nothing makes an ugly person even more unattractive quite like a lack of confidence. Mothers hold their noses and send us out the door with unearned compliments. If I could go back in time, I would tell my twelve-year-old self to cut his damn hair, but that doesn’t mean I’m not still happy my mom didn't.

You’re So Good At That Activity

People tend to quit activities because they’re bad at them. Growing up, most of us try about a thousand different things and then bail after realizing we’re positively awful. That’s a decision that’s best come to internally however. So, moms root us on as we watch fastballs blow by and offer encouragement as we miss a steady stream of notes. God only knows what’s actually going through their heads as we fall off the balance beam and chuck up ill-advised three pointers with twenty seconds left on the shot clock, but honestly, it’s probably better we never know.

I’d Love It If Your Friends Slept Over

Being responsible for your own child is hard. Being responsible for other people’s children for an eight hour block during the hours in which you normally sleep has to be flat-out miserable. Add in the fact that an oddly colored substance (like orange pop) almost always gets spilled and an expensive item (like a chair used as a makeshift wrestling top rope) almost always gets broken, and it’s hard to believe there aren’t more parent heart attacks during these every-so-often evenings. I don’t know how mothers put up with it, but looking back, I’m glad I didn’t know the ridiculous imposition I was causing and could instead properly focus on torturing the first kid who fell asleep.

I Just Know You’re Going To Be Great

Mothers might be born liars, but they’re also born worriers. They can work themselves into a frenzy over practically anything. Children’s necks getting snapped on the monkey bars, coats being forgotten in the closet, there’s no issue too small for a mother to fret over, which is why it’s admirable the good ones still make an effort to instill confidence in us as we’re trying to accomplish our goals. Deep down, a mother might be losing sleep over the thought her son or daughter might not get that new job, but when it comes time for the interview, that same mother will say she knows they’ll just love us.

I don’t know where I’d be without my mom’s lies. I have no way of gauging how much differently I may have turned out had she admitted when I sucked at things and shared with me all her doubts and annoyances, but I’m really glad I haven’t the slightest idea. So, for the billions of mothers out there who put on a smile and wake up determined to make their children’s lives a little bit easier, thank you. We see you, and we couldn’t be any more appreciative.