The Sweetest Thing

Is Cameron Diaz now contractually required to do her magical swirling ass dance in every film she appears in? What's more, why would any woman with so very little ass indeed insist on thrusting the bony thing repeatedly in the face of the movie going public? John Travolta may go out of his way to work dancing into every film he is in, but at least he's a white dude with rhythm.

Cameron Diaz' latest ass shaking endeavor is The Sweetest Thing, starring opposite Married With Children sexpot, Christina Applegate. Both play characters which can only really be described as "skanky"; women who only avoid being classified as hookers because they pick up their marks in bars rather than off street corners. To further prove the point, The Sweetest Thing's costume and makeup department have worked overtime to uglify two of the most beautiful women in Hollywood. Maybe THEY think they are beautiful, but I repeatedly had to choke back the urge to vomit as Applegate and Diaz prance about in varying styles of ill chosen fashions and Creature from the Black Lagoon inspired lighting.

Both women have gradually grown weary of their "legs wide open" lifestyle and find themselves looking for real love, all the while training their young roommate Jane (Selma Blair) as a successor. A chance encounter with a not-so-perfect guy leaves Diaz slavering and dreaming of commitment, so she and her cohort Courtney (Applegate) hop into the car for a day on the road as they prepare to crash the wedding of her mystery man's little brother (Jason Bateman).

You may at this point have started thinking of this film as a romantic comedy. Let me assure you it is nothing of the sort. Rather it is the lowest, most vile, most despicable, gross out comedy to hit theaters since Tom Green. The film's funniest moments are intended to come from encounters with glory holes, urinals, and rotting food. But beyond these disgusting attempts at cutting edge humor, the characters themselves are so disgusting, both in appearance, dress, and behavior, that it is impossible to do anything other than spend 90 minutes wishing death upon them.

Listen, there is a way to make these gross-fests funny. It's been done before. This is not it. This is just sick. Frankly, I was ashamed to be in an audience full of idiots laughing at the screen. Maybe they felt obligated to, since it was free. Perhaps they were all laughing because only the fools were left, after a good portion of the audience got up and left in the first ten minutes.

If this film has one redeeming value, it is in the rediscovery of Jason Batemen, whose character is amusing and well acted. He at least manages to mix a bit of wit and charm in along with his upchucking and womanizing. The same goes for Bateman's character's brother and Diaz’ love interest, Peter Donahue (Thomas Jane). Regardless, their little bit of semi-classy testosterone is not nearly enough to save this piece of garbage.

I suppose the idea was to do a gross out comedy with female leads, as if this was some revolutionary idea. But the truth is, the fact that the most disgusting people in The Sweetest Thing are SUPPOSED to be gorgeous women only makes it that more vomitous. I'm not interested in watching Christina Applegate try to piss in a urinal. Nor am I curious to see how Diaz reacts when a toilet explodes all over her. It's not funny. It's not even palatable. If Diaz shakes that skanky ass in a pair of old nasty undies one more time I'll gouge my eyes out. It was cute before, however now she's just a hagged out spazz. Kill me, I never want to think of this movie again.