Spoilers below for the latest episode, so be warned if you haven’t yet streamed Agatha All Along with a Disney+ subscription.
We’re so close to the end of both the Witches’ Road and of Agatha All Along as a whole, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to handle the double-episode finale night. Especially if it means fans are going into it without Patti LuPone’s Lilia, whose verbal eccentricities were finally explained in a fascinating way during “Death’s Hand in Mine,” albeit at the cost of her livelihood. And though I understand that sacrifices are needed to heighten stakes, this episode earned my first big Agatha complaint.
The Salem Seven made for one of the MCU’s most useless, illogical and unnecessary antagonists, and I truly don’t understand why Liila had to take herself out of the equation to dispatch the vengeful witches. I’m pretty sure the same result could have been accomplished via a Scooby-Doo dance sequence down a hallway with lots of illogically connected doorways. Here’s why I took such issue with the spooky septet.
The Salem Seven Were Totally Useless And Wasted As Villains
Conceptually, the Salem Seven are a completely understandable force to be reckoned with. As the children of the witches that Agatha (possibly unwittingly) sapped of all their powers and lifeforces back in Salem, they have all the justification necessary to get revenge on Kathryn Hahn's character. But in execution, they fall wildly short of making an impact. (And that's not even a pun regarding their impalement deaths.)
Why did they take so long to come after Agatha? I get that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but why did it take hundreds of years for these witches to take the initiative to go after their target? It'd be one thing if she'd have been caught up in Wanda's Westview Hex or something for ages, and she was hidden from everyone's detection. But they got their info from Rio, who presumably could have clued them in at any point prior to a major event in Agatha's life, when she would have been alone and far easier to take out. (Or just go after her on the Hindenberg, amirite?) That's just one Rio-related question we've had recently.
Why didn't they actually do anything to try and hurt or capture Agatha? Bafflingly, the Salem Seven only seemed to be capable of a few tasks: moving in tandem, turning from animals to human form, cracking their necks. But as far as like...attacks or maneuvers or good ideas? The Salem Seven were about as useful as the brittle husks of their parents after Agatha sucked them dry. Why even act bothered by them?
Why could they just traverse the Witches' Road without any facing any trial-based issues? I can give this show the beneit of the doubt in many ways, and I'll buy that the Salem Seven were somehow able to sneak their way onto the road without performing the Ballad or following any other rules. But how are they just able to traipse about on the Road seemingly freely and without restrictions?
Lilia's Plan Was Clever, But Shouldn't Have Been A Complete Success
While I do have questions about how this castle room worked, with tarot card placements being responsible for falling swords, the dropping ceiling, and flipping the entire room upside down. (Too bad there wasn't a tarot card called "The Seven of Salem Vacuum" where she could have conjured up a big vacuum cleaner that sucked up all the evil witches Luigi's Mansion style.
Did the Salem witches just forget that they could turn into birds and fly away? While the Tower Reversed twist was a fun one, it absolutely should have only taken out five of the Salem Seven witches AT MOST. Because as viewers saw just a minute or so prior, two of them are BIRDS that FLY, with one being an owl and one being a crow. It astounded me that neither one of them transformed in order to save themselves from getting shanked to death. I feel like even the snake could have survived that fall with some clever twisting and curling.
Why didn't some of them try and get through the door to go after Agatha? I don't get why the Salem Seven only worked as one unit, rather than utilizing the power of numbers. I mean, I get it if the whole point is for them to not do anything, but logically speaking, there's no reason they should have all been content to turn to humanoid form at a point when Agatha wasn't even around.
I'm Pretty Sure Lilia Could Have Easily Survived That Trial
Assuming that Lilia had her plan in mind as soon as it became clear the Salem Seven would infringe on their journey, then I don't get why she didn't take the extra step to play for a way to survive the room flipping around. At no point did anyone say it was a rule that she had to die along with the others, and it's not like everything in the room fell down onto the swords.
Lilia could have just ducked under the table as soon as she flipped the card. Considering the main piece of furniture in the room was bolted down to the floor, then it was likely strong enough to support Lilia had she ducked under it as the room was spinning around. The fact that she grabbed onto it and hung on in the first place speaks to her survival instinct, and it wouldn't have taken any effort at all to avoid a deadly fate. Not that it would have been easy to get out of the room at that point, but still.
If Lilia only went through with self-sacrifice because it was preordained in one of her visions, then I'll accept it. The only thing that would make sense to me about this whole sequence is if it was one that Lilia foresaw, and knew that it all had to go down in just such a way. I'd still have minor complaints, but at least it would have been justified via narrative specifics.
Maybe the point of Agatha All Along's trials is that the Road will kill off coven members in ways that don't totally make sense and can be avoided. Sharon died because the poison antidote wasn't right. Alice died because no one stopped Agatha from sapping her powers and life force. And now Lilia. I guess it would make sense that Rio/Death doesn't care how people go, so long as she gets them bodies.
Agatha All Along streams new episodes Wendesday nights on Disney+ at 9:00 p.m. ET, with the two-episode finale airing on October 30. Will it be the point where we get to meet Tommy Maximoff's new form? Or maybe when Emma Caulfield's Dottie returns in a big way?
