As one goes through the Marvel movies in order, whether it’s with their physical/digital copies or by streaming them with a Disney+ subscription, one big truth becomes apparent above all others: Tony Stark is a funny guy. Ok, so maybe that’s not the most important takeaway from this franchise, but Robert Downey Jr. definitely got to deliver a lot of the MCU’s most humorous lines while he brought the superhero known as Iron Man to life. These are the 32 of the funniest ones.
“I don't want to see this on your MySpace page. Please no gang signs. No, throw it up, I’m kidding”
Tony Stark said this to a soldier who asked for a picture with him early on into Iron Man, joking around when the guy flashes the peace symbol for the shit. It’s a nice moment of lightheartedness before the convoy is attacked and the future superhero is kidnapped by terrorists.
“That man is playing Galaga! Thought we wouldn't notice. But we did.”
While aboard the Helicarrier during The Avengers speaking with Nuck Fury and most of the other starring characters, Tony calls out a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent for playing a classic video game during his work time. Later on, we see that Tony was indeed telling the truth rather than just dropping one of his classic quips.
“I loved you in A Christmas Story, by the way.”
Tony Stark and James Rhodes’ conversation in that restaurant early into Iron Man 3 is a serious affair for the most part, as he learns more about the attacks on the United States and suffers a panic attack. In a brief moment of levity, though, he observed that a little kid asking for an autograph with his sister resembled Ralphie from the 1983 holiday classic.
“That's not a hug, I'm just grabbing the door for you.”
Tony Stark may have recruited Peter Parker to help him out during Captain America: Civil War, but they didn’t become close right off the bat. Sure, Tony was generous enough to let Peter keep his high-tech Spider-Man suit, but they weren’t on hugging terms yet, as evidenced when Tony said this to Peter in his car early on in Spider-Man: Homecoming.
“Honestly, until this exact second, I thought you were a Build-a-Bear.”
Tony Stark was near death when Captain Marvel found him and Nebula a few weeks during the beginning of Avengers: Endgame, so the beginning of his recovery back on Earth obviously shouldn’t be humorous. However, one funny line is snuck in when Tony has the above reaction upon hearing Rocket speak for the first time.
“That means get lost, Squidward!”
When Ebony Maw and Cull Obsidian showed up on Earth to seize the Time Stone from Doctor Strange in Avengers: Infinity War, the Master of the Mystic Arts told them they were trespassing on New York City and Earth. Tony translated that by referring to Maw as the popular SpongeBob Squarepants character, and admittedly, there is a resemblance.
“I’m not a joiner, but I’ll consider Secretary of Defense if you ask nice.”
After Rhodey had to read a specific selection from his report about the Iron Man armor that painted Tony Stark in a bad light, he then tried to play some damage control during Iron Man 2’s congressional hearing by noting how the benefits of the armor outweighed the liabilities, even suggesting Tony be folded into “the existing chain of command.” Cue Tony’s wisecrack about his preferred Cabinet position.
“Manchurian Candidate, you're killing me. We're on a truce. Put the gun down.”
That’s what Tony said to Bucky Barnes when the latter pointed his rifle at the former, surprised that their pro-Sokovian Accords adversary had tracked him and Steve Rogers down to the HYDRA Siberian facility. It’s too bad that the truce didn’t last long after Tony found out Winter Soldier killed his parents.
“Drop your socks and grab your crocs, we're about to get wet on this ride.”
Even though Tony said this while flying through a fountain on the Stark Expo grounds to avoid being gunned down by Justin Hammer’s drones and Rhodey in his War Machine armor, which were all hijacked by Ivan Vanko, this was still a random thing for him to blurt out. Its unexpectedness, however, ironically makes it all the funnier.
“Wait a second. Is no one going to comment that Cap just said ‘Language’?”
At the beginning of Avengers: Age of Ultron when Earth’s Mightiest Heroes are fighting Baron Strucker’s HYDRA cell, Tony hits the invisible force field covering the terrorist base and exclaims a swear. Steve Rogers, a product of the 1940s, couldn’t help but blurt out his issue with the curse word, but since this took place in the 2010s, Tony of course had to give him grief for it.
“Your work on anti-electron collisions is unparalleled. And I'm a huge fan of the way you lose control and turn into an enormous green rage monster.”
How do you praise Bruce Banner for both his scientific work and his ability to turn into The Hulk? Just say what Tony Stark did above. Ok, maybe use a bit more tact, but Bruce didn’t seem too taken aback by the comment.
“Let's face it, this is not the worst thing you've caught me doing.”
Pepper Potts discovered Tony was Iron Man in his first movie when she found one of his machines awkwardly removing his armor following his mission to Gulmira. I don’t fault him for trying to break the tension with some innuendo, but obviously it failed to hit.
“Wong, you’re invited to my wedding.”
Tony Stark and Wong had only just met when they were forced to team up against Ebony Maw and Cull Obsidian alongside Doctor Strange and Spider-Man. But you can count on Wong to have one’s back, as evidenced when he sent Obsidian through a portal before he could land a blow, leading Tony to invite him to his impending nuptials.
“… Which happens, dads leave, no need to be a pussy about it.”
You’d think Tony would be more compassionate towards a kid telling him that his dad abandoned his family six years earlier, especially since Harley was allowing him to hide in his shed while on the run. Instead, and frankly keeping in character, he brushes aside that piece of information and instead requests various items to help him fix his armor.
“If you douse me again, and I'm not on fire, I'm donating you to a city college.”
There were a pair of arm robots named Dum-E and Dum-U that were used in his workshop during the Iron Man movies, though they weren’t exactly the smartest machines. Dum-E in particular was a little too trigger-happy with the fire extinguisher while Tony was testing his Mark II armor, resulting in him making this threat.
“Mr. Stark displays textbook... narcissism... Agreed.”
Tony Stark may have emerged victorious at the end of Iron Man 2, but the events of the movie led to Nick Fury deciding that while the Iron Man armor was worthy of being part of the Avengers Initiative, Tony himself was not. That narcissism was just one of the reasons for this, but at least Tony had the self-awareness to recognize this was an accurate assessment.
“Uh, Shakespeare in the park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes?”
Thor and Tony didn’t get off to the best of starts when they met in The Avengers, with the former forcefully seizing Loki back from the latter and the wholesome Captain America. When Tony caught back up and retaliated against Thor in kind, the God of Thunder warned him he didn’t know what he was dealing with, leading Iron Man to amusingly speculate it was something Shakespearean.
“Dude, you're embarrassing me in front of the wizards.”
Although Tony was obviously glad to see Bruce back in Avengers: Infinity War, he was irritated not long afterward when his fellow Avenger failed to transform into The Hulk as Ebony Maw and Cull Obsidian were approaching. The Green Goliath wouldn’t emerge again for the rest of that movie, and by Avengers: Endgame, Bruce merged his two selves together to create Smart Hulk.
“Oh, you would love her. Very practical. Only a tiny bit sadistic.”
After Thanos used the Infinity Stones at the end of Infinity War, Tony and Nebula were the only heroes left standing on Titan. They fixed the Guardians of the Galaxy’s ship as best they could and attempted to reach Earth. During the trip, Tony recorded a message for Pepper Potts and described Nebula to her as seen above.
“Yeah, I’d say most countries 5, 10 years away, Hammer Industries, 20.”
There was concern from the United States government during Iron Man 2 that other countries could replicate the Iron Man suit for their own purposes. So Tony decided to commandeer the screens at the Congressional hearing to show that this wasn’t something to be worried about, especially when it came to Justin Hammer.
“Actually, he’s the boss. I just pay for everything and design everything, make everyone look cooler.”
When Maria Hill referred to Tony as “boss” in Avengers: Age of Ultron, he quickly corrected her and told her that Captain America was actually the leader of the superhero team… despite all that Tony did with his intellect and vast resources. I detect a smidge of bitterness in his response.
“What are you doing? You gonna break his finger? He's in pain. He's been injured. Leave him alone.”
When Tony Stark made it to the shed behind Harley Keener’s house, his armor was already in rough shape following the attack on his mansion and his chaotic flight to Tennessee. So naturally he was a little peeved when the kid snapped off one of the fingers, although he soon got over it and said he’d fix the damage.
“You! I swear to God, I'll dismantle you! I'll soak your motherboard, turn you into a wine rack!”
That arm robot gave Tony Stark trouble once again in the early portion of Iron Man 2. When the main protagonist returned to his workshop, the arm knocked over a blender, so Tony once again demanded it get its act together… or else!
“Well, performance issues, it's not uncommon. One out of five…”
Throughout The Avengers, Loki had no problem tapping his scepter (which we later learned contained the Mind Stone) into people’s chests and taking control of their minds. But when he tried to do it to Tony Stark, his arc reactor prevented this from happening. So when Loki expressed confusion over this development, Tony had this zinger lined up.
“Go to bed, or I'll sell all your toys.”
Tony Stark may have needed to watch the language and content of his humor around his daughter Morgan in Avengers: Endgame, but he still found ways to bring in his trademark humor with her. Case in point, after they enjoyed some juice pops together, Tony lightly told Morgan the above if she didn’t try to go back to bed.
“You screwed the pooch hard. Big time. But then you did the right thing. Took the dog to the free clinic, you raised the hybrid puppies... All right, not my best analogy.”
After defeating The Vulture in Homecoming, Peter Parker was brought to the Avengers Compound to be congratulated by Tony Stark for his victory. Unfortunately, the analogy he tried to use to show how much Peter had grown from when he’d disappointed his mentor failed to land properly.
“I will be re-instituting prima nocta.”
Tony Stark may be a superhero and a good man at his core, but he wasn’t worthy enough to lift Thor’s hammer during Avengers: Age of Ultron. No doubt dropping this line about bringing back an abhorrent medieval tradition if he becomes ruler of Asgard, even if it was just a joke, played a role in that.
“What is your job, exactly, besides making balloon animals?”
It didn’t take long for Tony Stark and Stephen Strange to start disagreeing with each other in Infinity War, as the latter shot down the former’s idea to toss the Time Stone down a garbage disposal. The conversation eventually led to Tony asking the above question, to which Strange responded, “Protecting your reality, douchebag.”
“You really have got a lid on it, haven't you? What's your secret? Mellow jazz? Bongo drums? Huge bag of weed?”
Fascinated by Bruce Banner’s ability to control his Hulk persona from being unleashed, a sharp contrast to how he was in The Incredible Hulk, Tony Stark went so far as to shock Bruce with a miniature electric prod to see what would happen. When that didn’t do the trick, Tony said the above in The Avengers.
“Ok, Mr. Clean is on his own page.”
Tony was understandably frustrated when Drax yawned while he was breaking down what they’d need to do to take down Thanos. When he called Drax out on it, the Guardian stopped listening after Tony said they needed a plan. The only thing funnier in this scene was Tony’s exasperated expression when Mantis said that the Guardians “kick names and take ass.”
“Sweetheart, that could be the name of my autobiography.”
Ellen Brandt, one of Aldrich Killian’s minions hopped up in Extremis, tracked Tony Stark down in Tennessee, and he had to use some ingenuity to fight her since his armor was still out of commission. When he made a pun about “dating hotter chicks” than her, she responded “That's all you got? Cheap trick and a cheesy one-liner?” The above quote is how he countered.
“Underoos!”
It’s just one word, but it’s hilarious that Tony shouted this out to introduce Spider-Man during the conflict at the Leipzig airport in Captain America: Civil War. Peter didn’t seem fazed by the amusing descriptor, and he did make a good first impression when he stole Captain America’s shield with his webbing.
