2023 has already delivered a solid summer for family-friendly movies thus far, and since the only thing more solid than a turtle shell is four of them — and probably a lot of other stuff — I think it’s totally bossanova that another big Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles adventure is here. The most quotable quartet to ever spring from the sewers have made their return to the big screen in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem, with Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg serving as producers and co-writers for the animated action-comedy. With the new movie is bringing out so many excellent B-side characters such as Mondo Gecko, Leatherhead, and Ray Fillet, I feel there’s never been a better time to celebrate all the most baffling, WTF characters that this ever-expanding comic, TV, and movie universe has delivered in its 30+ years of existence.
The group noted below features characters that, if I were to describe them to someone unfamiliar with the Ninja Turtles’ history, would make me sound like I was ad-libbing nonsense on the spot. Such is this gloriously weird and try-anything-once universe first created by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird. To note, this isn’t meant to be an exhaustive list of the rarest characters and oddities within this bonkers universe, but rather a curated selection of villains, heroes and others who all sound like their origins were tied to LSD-infused pizza toppings. (Just not anchovies.)
Mutagen Man
Basically, this villain-turned-ally was a dorky deliveryman who stumbled into Shredder’s evil lair and ended up in a big vat of mutagen that dissolved much of his body, with his brain, spinal cord, internal organs and some facial features intact. He then had to wear a containment suit to stay alive where all of his nasty bits were viewable to anyone, with hulking arms and legs required to lift the massive suit. The real kicker here, though, is that his real name was Seymour Gutz. I mean, what else was he supposed to become if not a jar of intestines with eyeballs?
Pizza Face
If you’re someone who really loves pizza, what do you think the biggest threat in the world would be? A lunatic pizza chef whose missing leg was replaced with a giant pizza cutter, exactly! Wait, no, that sounds like the most first-draft idea possible. Which is probably why this character didn’t make it past the toyline stage for over two decades, when his story was retconned for Nickelodeon’s 2012 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles animated series as the much more sensible origin story: a pizzeria owner turns into a mutated glob whose features are all made of pizza toppings, and whose powers include the ability to create other living and sentient pizza slices.
Jagwar
As it goes with many TMNT characters, Jagwar is one whose story can almost be figured out just by looking at his punned-up moniker. But what you might not be able to glean automatically is that Jagwar is the son of a human Brazillian female named Juntarra and a Jaguar spirit god named Yaguaro. He’s also one of the Mutanimals faction that includes the aforementioned Ray Fillet and Mondo, among others. It probably sucks having a name that’s a homonym of half of one’s origin species. It’d be like if I was born to oversee a small staff, and my parents named me Humanager.
Tattoo
As a sumo wrestler whose body featured several tattoos — specifically a big spider across his stomach — “Tattoo” is probably the least offensive name this character could have been given. But considering his cartoon introduction had him as a mutated hamster whose sole goal was returning to its pet shop cage, with a comic book arc that revolves around his chihuahua being kidnapped, one has to wonder why his tattoos had exactly nothing to do with anything. He probably should have been named Husky Pet Guy or something.
Halfcourt
Another character whose existence started as part of a toyline — and the rare example of one who didn't get further developed through animated series or comics — Halfcourt is hilariously a mutant giraffe whose main claim to fame is that he plays basketball, and has an extending neck, which is hat-on-a-hat behavior for a giraffe. He also came with a dark grey basketball that was actually a beehive, and why did this character make it past the napkin-doodle stage?
Wyrm
He's a mutant flatworm name Wyrm. I guess I can be appreciative that they didn't make this a mutant tapeworm, but that probably made it into discussions.
Doctor El
Once a pygmy witchdoctor living a presumably normal life in Africa, this character became one of Shredder's mutant experiments, as he was transformed into an anthropomorphic elephant that seemed to still don the clothing that his human form wore. But it was all for naught, since Doctor El's inherent friendliness made him terrible henchman, but a pretty solid friend to the turtles since he also loves pizza for whatever reason. As if anyone needs a reason.
Muckman
One of the only cartoon characters capable of making me gag a little if I think about it too hard, Muckman is a mutated garbage man whose body is largely made of trash and old food. [Blech] He was presumably created early on as a nod to The Toxic Avenger, and a little of Swamp thing, but made up of only the smelliest bits from toxic sludge and swamps. He also notably had a sidekick named Joe Eyeball who is also a mutant, but looked very much like an alien early on, and then was later depicted as just an eyeball.
Cudley The Transdimensional Cowlick
Something of a bovine take on Marvel's Lockjaw from Inhumans, Cudley is a giant disembodied cowhead that can transport characters to any other location in the known universe and beyond, from other planets to other dimensions to completely different points in time. But he does not come with towels for travelers to wipe off all the cow saliva upon reaching their destinations.
Sergeant Bananas
Not a lot to say about this one, honestly, but here’s why it fits the criteria. If you were put into a room with only a pen and paper for an hour, and were given the task of naming a potential toy character described as a gorilla in the military, you would come out of that room with “Sergeant Bananas” covering that paper, or you would be considered the laughing stock of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles character-creation offices. (He's also known as the Guerilla Gorilla, for what it's worth, which is not so much, but probably more than Sergeant Bananas.)
Obviously, these characters don't make up the entirety of all the weird and unnatural characters that populate the Turtles' New York City, Dimension X and elsewhere. So maybe at a later point, we can return to this wonderfully baffling array of heroes and villains for more silliness. In the meantime, though, check out our review for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem and be sure to check it out in theaters starting August 2. And then check out all the other upcoming movies in 2023, in case you have a Cudley the Cowlick of your own who could slobber you into the future.
