Goddammit. Even though Sharknado 3 looks very much as if its switch is set to overly self-aware mode, this movie can’t help but be one of the most bizarre things ever created for TV. From the odd continuity errors to the plot strands that seemingly go nowhere, this is an uneven movie from start to finish, but in one of the most guilt-free pleasurable ways.
And so, because the first two movies just didn’t have enough weird stuff going on, here are the most WTF moments in Sharknado 3, which don’t include a shark attempting to gain momentum from a loop on a roller coaster operated by Chris Jericho, the completely irrelevant “Fognado” joke, or Jerry Springer’s 7 seconds of screentime. My brain will never stop swelling.
Shark Iwo Jima
So, the first chunk of the movie took its time destroying Washington D.C. with less initial exposition than a novel’s dedication page, and it basically equaled out to “Fin brings Sharknados everywhere he sharkna-goes.” A shark stretched out across the lap of the Lincoln Memorial, the White House was destroyed by the Washington Monument, and we got our first look at the non-non-non-Freemason group The Order of the Golden Chainsaw. But none of those boggled the mind like seeing Finn and his fellow temporary survivors killing a falling shark by holding up a large American flag in a way that mimicked the “Raising the Flag on Iwo Jima” photograph. It was almost offensive, but in the way that a Mad Magazine fold-in is offensive.
George R.R. Martin’s Cameo
Upon seeing the name Shark Wedding on a theater marquee, I thought it was going to be Billy Idol making an appearance somewhere in the movie, but no, I totally had the wrong kind of wedding in mind. It turns out it was a wedding of ice and fire and multiple murders being referenced, as one short cutaway scene found author George R.R. Martin in the audience. That was already amazing, and then we got to see him mauled in the most awful of ways, including getting a shark in the gut and then a shark in the beard. Well, the face. If this cameo is a big reason why Winds of Winter hasn’t been finished yet…that’s okay.
Next Stop, Daytona 500
Don’t get me wrong, Sharknado 3 has a zillion moments in which suspended disbelief occurred and the mind just allowed things to happen. But while the movie was touching down in Florida, the Daytona 500 race was referenced, and then all of a sudden the entire sky was full of sharks spinning around but still perfectly capable of aiming. And then it was like, “Okay, I guess I’m okay with seeing sharks make a bunch of cars wreck,” and then driver Brad Keselowski actually utters the titular line “Oh Hell no,” before he’s eaten, and the scene went even deeper into narratively offensive waters.
Sharks! In! Space!
From D.C. to Florida to…a well-lit outer space? You’re goddamned right. And who is the not-quite-astronaut leading Fin on his heroic journey that ends up making the not-quite-astronaut look more like a hero? David Hasselhoff, with wings blazing, takes Fin (and then eventually Tara Reid's April, in a move most untoward for a pregnant woman) up on a shuttle that you know is hardcore because it’s a “top secret classified” one. With Anthony Weiner kind of guiding things, everything goes wrong until Hasselhoff wipes out all of the sharks seemingly everywhere with lasers that are activated by a colored button. But then the sharks are shot up into outer space, and they illogically burst through the shuttle and science is ignored, but wow, what a sequence of events. Especially that elevator montage.
That Ending, Though
But seriously, honestly, belligerently…what the fuck was that ending? Fin uses the inside of a giant shark as his vehicle back into orbit, and doesn’t die when landing. Then he walks up to the shark that April is in, and she hand-chainsaws her way through the shark exterior, which is expected, though it lacks Bruce Campbell. But then…THEN…instead of coming out of the shark as a still-pregnant woman, April apparently had her baby while inside her respective shark and decided it would be a great idea to push the newborn baby out of the shark’s body as her way of saying hi to Fin, who did not do ANYTHING to alert her to his presence. So her actions made about as much sense as…everyone else’s actions, really. Even if she didn't know Fin was there, why would she do that?
And then…THEN…a piece of the space shuttle (still fully intact) drops out of the air right above April’s head, and the movie abruptly ends, and the next sequel’s promotional campaign kicks into place with an “#AprilLives” or “#AprilDies” campaign, where the answer/result will be revealed in Sharknado 4. Movies aren’t supposed to end like this, but then this isn’t exactly a movie. It’s a shark-sperience.
