Holiday-themed TV movies have become quite the phenomenon for Hallmark Channel, Lifetime, Great American Family and other networks in the months leading up to Christmas. Dependably predictable plots, inevitable romances and inexplicable obsessions with snow globes can inject a warm glow into the frostiest of winter days — as long as you’re willing to suspend your expectations of reality a little bit. There’s no denying the popularity of the small-screen subgenre, and there’s just something comforting about how every problem can be solved with varying levels of Christmas cheer.
However, if you expect to learn things from a Hallmark movie, like how the royals really celebrate the holidays, or what actually happens when you run into your ex-boyfriend back home, it's just going to end badly. (Just like your first relationship attempt with your future love, am I right?) Such fantastical elements and details area big part of the fun, though, so grab a big cup of your small town’s famous hot cocoa, and let’s take a look at 6 things to not think too hard about when watching any upcoming Hallmark Christmas movie.
Why You Can Never See The Characters’ Breath Outside
Holiday movies are never devoid of Christmas spirit, which a lot of times is depicted through beautiful snow-covered streets, ice-skating rinks and walks down to quaint town squares, probably to attend an annual festival or tree-lighting ceremony. So, if it’s so cold, why can’t you ever see anybody’s breath?
To get these feature-length gems ready for the holiday season, the cast and crews obviously have to shoot everything earlier in the year. Candace Cameron Bure shared a bit of that sweaty experience, when she posted about filming her Great American Family film A Christmas… Present during the California heat wave. That is definitely not something you want to get too hung up on, if you want to stay engulfed in the fantasy world of yuletide TV.
Why Everyone’s Holiday Schedules Are So Flexible
The holidays can be a magical time, but there’s also quite a bit of stress involved in the real world, with events, travel plans, shopping, family get-togethers, etc. making scheduling a mega-chore. In Hallmark movies, however, everybody seems able to go with any particular flow, no particular problems. Throwing an impromptu party on Christmas Eve? Great, nobody else had prior plans either! Want to get the whole town involved in a Secret Santa? Yes, they love shopping for strangers last-minute!
I’d break out in hives over some of the hijinks these characters decide to pull on their neighbors and loved ones, but in Hallmark movies? Rest assured that when the venue for the Christmas play inevitably falls through, or they need to organize a fundraising event to save the local bakery, there is a town’s worth of people who are ready and willing to jump in, logistics be damned.
Why Evil Real Estate Investors Wait Until Christmas To Strike, And Where Is Their Luggage Anyway?
Speaking of that local bakery, Christmas seems like a vulnerable time of year for small-town toy stores and bakeries. Why is it that the big real estate investors always choose Christmas to send some lackey to break the news that their famous Jingle Bell Main Street or whatever is going to be a parking lot a year from now? I don’t think this is as commonplace as they’d have us believe. On the other hand, how do these places even still exist with the Internet? Is online shopping not a thing in this world? Where are the FedEx drivers and Amazon trucks?
These questions could definitely make you spiral, but just one more for the Big-City Businessperson: Where is your luggage? So many out-of-towners show up with one moderatlely sized carry-on bag, and are later seen about town somehow wearing various heavy coats and boots that don't look like they were impulse buys from earlier that day.
Why The Royal Family Members Have Zero Security And Aren’t Recognized In Public
Holiday movies involving royal families require a whole new level of suspended disbelief, because they apparently really want you to think that all you need to do to fall in love and marry into royalty at Christmas is simply be in the vicinity of royalty. (It works for celebrities too!) This is apparently pretty easy to do, too, because royal family members are always seen walking down busy streets with nary a security guard in sight (and they all do their own shopping, in person, of course).
Maybe security’s not really such a big deal, though, because it also seems like they’re mostly able to move freely through crowds without being recognized anyway. On the off chance that you don’t find yourself in close proximity to royals, worry not. It’s likely there is a job opening at the castle for a nanny that is surprisingly easy to lie your way into.
How Closely These Rom-Com Stories Resemble Horror Plotlines
Does this movie plot sound familiar? A woman shows up to her Airbnb to find that it’s already occupied by a man who says he has also rented the space. If you said this year’s twisty horror Barbarian, you’re right. If you guessed it was a Hallmark rom-com plot, you’d also be correct. Very few tonal changes would need to be made to turn the plots of some holiday Christmas movies into full-blown fright fests.
Strangers are invited into people’s homes without a second thought. Concussion victims go without medical care, forced to trust whoever it was who discovered them lying unconscious in the snow. And don’t even get me started on the oddball townsfolk who are always lurking about. But could we expect the offshoot network Hallmark Horror in the future? (Probably not.)
Why The Small-Town Ex Always Wins The Girl Over The Big-City Boyfriend
If you are a man in a Hallmark movie who has an important job in a big city and is engaged to a lovely woman who is going back home for the holidays, I extend my condolences. Your fiancée is quite likely to be injured, get amnesia and fall in love with someone else before her memory comes back. Often it takes nothing more than a casual run-in with an ex-boyfriend at the grocery store or her parents’ house (because ex-boyfriends ALWAYS stay close to the parents) to derail any grown-up relationship.
Forget any dreams your fiancée had for her own career. Forget that there were valid reasons that she and her ex broke up in the first place. If they make it to the tree-lighting festival at the end of the movie, it’s over, man.
Sure, there are plenty of things that don’t make sense a whole lot of sense about holiday TV movies, but that shouldn’t keep anyone from enjoying them this season. Take a look at some of the Hallmark Christmas Movies you’ll want to prioritize this month, or tackle them all with our 2022 Christmas movie schedule.
