The Clicker Brings Sanity To Sweeps

Fans complain about gaps between new episodes of Lost constantly. When a show builds on each episode like “Lost”, “24”, and others, you lose something when you have a stretch of reruns. Why do the networks do this? Sweeps is always the answer. Somebody smarter than me has to explain why we have Sweeps. I don’t get it. Why are the months of July, November, February and May so damn important?

For reasons unknown to me, the networks focus on Sweeps periods to determine the rates they can charge advertisers for placing a commercial during a certain time slot. So when you have a hot show like “Lost”, ABC feels obligated to make sure each week of the sweeps month is chock full of new episodes. It’s also why some shows have special guest stars or “stunt” shows (like crossover characters) during these times. The shows and the networks become whores for the ratings.

I just can’t decide why this is a standard practice. Isn’t there a better idea out there? You’re damn right there is, but the networks are afraid to go for it. Why not have a year-round rating system? Networks think that ad rates might drop that’s why. That is short-sighted and typical of people who cancel "Arrested Development" while leaving crap like "Trading Spouses" on the air. They focus on the short term and ignore long term growth.

Here’s my simple way to fix sweeps. I’ll admit, my system favors the viewers but when the viewers are happy, ratings and ad rates will rise. Make the ad rates based on quarterly averages, not just one month. So, if "Lost" averages a 10.9 rating for the entire 3 months, that’s what the ad rate is based on. What does this do? It encourages more new episodes during each rating period. “Lost” executives can’t make any more new episodes than they do now so ABC might need to air another show, “Evidence” perhaps, after “Lost” completes its run. Or ABC can simply re-air "Lost". I can’t find any strong evidence showing a rerun of a show during November will score higher than the same rerun showing in March. Networks are just afraid to try it.

Networks are stubbornly tied to the traditional television year that starts in September and ends in May. Why? Fox has shown great success with holding "American Idol" and "24" until January. Why not have two distinct halves each year? If a show fails, replace it with reruns of another just as they do now. If fans are given a consistent airing schedule, they’ll watch more which leads to higher ratings. I should be a math teacher or something with these easy to follow equations.

I won’t pretend that my plan is without faults. I’m sure some people will gladly point them out. I would be more interested in the television industry pointing out what the benefits of their system is.

Jason and the Argonauts (Sci-Fi) 7:00 pm

Parts 1 and 2-I’m sure this has aired before but I missed it. Honestly, I scoured the airwaves for something religious to recommend. I mean, it’s only Easter, the day the son of the Big Man rose from the dead. You’d at least think we could dust off a copy of Ben-Hur or something. How this lead me to Jeremy London starring in this Sci Fi special, I'm not exactly sure. Both 2 hour parts air back to back so feel free knowing that, while someone was raising from the dead, you chose to watch a cable channel for four hours. Try not to bring this up to St. Peter.

Deal or No Deal (NBC) 8pm

I never thought I’d end up watching this but like most of America, I am. Howie Mandel hosts this game show that shows that the majority of contestants are too greedy and stupid for their own good. I’m sure most of them think scratch off lottery tickets are a form of retirement plan but I like watching it anyway. Depending on the contestant I might even cheer for them to win!

24 (FOX) 9:00 pm

Day 5: 12:00 Midnight-1:00 am- The return of Secretary Heller has me pumped. The continually stupid side plots do not. Yet, I’m going to be positive and only focus on the collected badassedness (I made that up, thank you) of Bauer and Heller as they try to get info implicating the President to the Attorney General..

HGTV’s Gay Man’s 2 Hour Block (HGTV) 8:00 pm

Decorating Cents, Curb Appeal, House Hunters, Buy Me- Once a funnier writer than me wondered why gay people were getting their own cable channel when they already had HGTV. I laughed but then mumbled under my breath, “hey, I like that channel”. So whether or not it affects my masculinity, I still catch this channel from time to time when nothing is on regular TV. Take Tuesdays for example, after Amazing Race moved to Wednesday!

Amazing Race 9 (CBS) 8:00 pm

Here Comes the Bedouin-The first real suspense of the year happened last week when Team Hippy almost was eliminated after getting lost. I love those guys (but not in a HGTV sort of way). This week they head for the desert and I predict a “non-elimination” week. Yes I remember that I predicted one last week. No, I don’t think anybody actually reads this far in my column so there!

Alias (ABC) 8:00 pm (ABC) 2 Hours

SOS; Maternal Instinct- When a show is going to be cancelled there is nothing a network enjoys more than doubling up the episodes so they don’t have to air the thing for as many weeks. I’m sure this show was good but it was moved around too much and had too many substantial changes to hold my interest every week. Sydney’s frantic call makes Jack start a search and rescue mission. I could pretend that I have a clue what this means but I’d be lying. A friend demanded I recommend this.

Invasion (ABC) 10:00 pm

Re-Evolution- I hate this show. It’s horrible. My wife likes it though so I end up watching it every week as it sucks on an increasingly upward scale. It takes special effort not to screw up and have one good episode but these guys are good at cranking out consistently bad television. Russell and Dave investigate the island some more while kids fight about who was in the hurricane and who wasn’t. Blah, Blah, Blah…

Celebrity Cooking Showdown (NBC) 8:00pm

Wiggum will be watching this and so should you. It’s down to three celebrity finalists who are trying their best to show they have culinary skills.

Survivor (CBS) 8:00pm

Medical Emergency- A castmember, I assume it’s Bruce, has to be medically evacuated from the island for treatment. Will he come back? Should I care? This is the most boring year since “Thailand.” Just end it already. Survivor, the show, isn’t the problem. It’s the lazy casting that brought us this island full of dullards.

Unholy Battle For Rome (History) 8:00 pm

Friday nights are so bad for television, I now watch educational shows each week. Who knew The Clicker was responsible for educating America? This special catalogs Germany’s occupation of Rome following Mussolini’s death in 1943 to the Allied liberation in 1944. I’m a sucker for World War II stuff which is probably why I’m also recommending…

D-Day: The Lost Evidence (History) 9:00 pm (2 Hours)

This outstanding tribute goes over the events leading to and during D-Day, including many unknown documents and new technologies to document the battle in a way that hasn’t been done before.

Jurassic Park III (TNT) 8:00 pm

Yeah, I know, most people hate it. It’s a popcorn movie that only wants to satisfy your lust for dinosaur carnage. I will say that the Spinosaurus is the dumbest ****ing thing ever and for that I can only recommend this movie for folks dateless on a Saturday night.

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