Whatever happened to predictability? Well, it’s still alive and thriving on Full House, where all prophecies of “seeing the worst hairdos that life has to offer” come true in a most magical fashion. I believe Nostradamus himself said, “You got it, dude,” in one of his quatrains.
We’ve put together a list of all the major Full House characters, as ranked by their mostly funky hairstyles. This isn’t so much a best-to-worst classification or vice versa, but rather a championing of the most notable wins and sins that ever graced these characters' heads. I know what you’re thinking: Everyone should be #1. But that just wouldn’t be fair. So grab a pint of your favorite ous cweam and have mercy on the people that follow.
11. Rebecca
For the most part, Rebecca’s hair has always been pretty perfect, which makes me think she had to have been using her own non-Full House stylist to get the job done. Perhaps someone from Wake Up, San Francisco. It was sometimes so immaculate you could easily picture a tiny surfer tubing through it and landing on Jesse’s purse-lipped face. I do wonder if she had to sign a contract with Jesse with the stipulation that her hair stayed gorgeous if marriage was to be an option. But sadly (for everyone but Rebecca), it just wasn't wacky enough to make her a Top 10 contender.
10. Nicky and Alex
Ah, the joys of being too young to really have to worry about insanely goofy hair problems. Which isn’t to say that “having mullet-lite hair that looks like it was cut using a mixing bowl as a guide” isn’t goofy; it’s just not mind-numbing. But the twins’ presence so late in the game definitely inspired thoughts about whether or not the Full House stylists were getting paid by the “bangs,” as every single character seemed to have them.
9. Vicky
The curling iron budget for Vicky’s hair must have been the reason why she wasn’t on the show as long as she should have been. Sure, they tried to make it seem like she had to leave for her dream job, which would keep her far away from Danny, her obvious soulmate, but I’m pretty sure it was because of her hair. I like to think that before she left, Danny clipped a lock of it and tried to grow another Vicky inside of a jar.
8. Michelle
“Michelle’s smiling...” That song was probably based on the fact that, like her twin cousins, she was mostly too young for Full House to ruin her with terrible hairdos. Which isn’t to say she didn’t have some stinkers, but that was mostly the fault of the endless supply of Lisa Frank-ish accessories used for her pigtails, ponytails, and all the other kinds of tails. Plus, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen actually had bangs that didn’t seem like bad practical jokes.
7. Steve
As the captain of the wrestling team – and definitely not the debate team – Steve obviously couldn’t have a complicated set-up in the hair department. And so “hair-sprayed puff to high heaven” it was for him, which goes slightly against his choices in music and car. I assume that when he wasn’t around, D.J. would glue a bunch of shower poufs to a mannequin head and slap a letterman jacket on the creation, sprinkling food crumbs all over it. Ah, young love.
6. Danny
As Danny Tanner, Bob Saget had the unenviable challenge of being one of the lamest dads in the universe. And it all started on top of his head, with hair that featured a left-side-part so deep and prominent that fish occasionally swam through it, mistaking it for the Mariana Trench. Danny’s hair looks like hat hair, if he was wearing a hat that was shaped exactly like his hairdo. And don’t get me started on his leather-wearing “rock star” look.
5. Joey
Had Joey been a part of the Italian mafia instead of whatever section of San Francisco stand-up comedy that accepted his lame shenanigans, he would have been known as Joey Mullets. So often when he was on screen, viewers would be privy to his blow-dried front, which wasn’t great but still not outlandishly terrible. But then he would turn around and reveal that yes, his collar was almost always still drowning in “party in the back.”
4. Stephanie
Stephanie has had one of the craziest hair-volutions of anyone on this show. It all started with helmet bangs in front of massive ponytailed curls, and then moved on to teased bangs in front of a drastically off-centered ponytail, and then reached a sort of normal look as she got older, though still with bigger bangs than a .50 caliber. And throughout it all, a neverending line of headbands, ribbons and scrunchies that matched her abysmal fashion choices.
3. Kimmy Gibbler
Beyond her abstract annoyingness, Kimmy Gibbler had the kind of hair that should have made the Tanners pack up and move to a different neighborhood. While it wasn’t always as bad as the “Russian hockey player” look seen above, her early years were more frighteningly 1980s than Freddy Krueger’s glove. She’s one of the few characters who managed to domesticate her bangs as she got older, only a daily diet of tequila and roofies could erase the memories of all those top-knots.
2. D.J.
D.J.’s hair was so awful at times that I’m fairly certain if Pam hadn’t died in a car accident, she would have intentionally caused one at some point. All of the magazines in all of the world’s salons don’t showcase as many hairstyles as D.J. went through in the show’s eight seasons. From bangs that rose as if baked with yeast to the epitome of blah-b cuts, D.J.’s hair was like an extreme sport. The fact that it got quite lovely in later years does not make up for the depletion of the ozone caused by all that Aqua Net.
1. Jesse
When one of a character’s most well-known quotes is “Watch the hair,” then you know you’re dealing with a number one stunna. Jesse is one of the only people in history who managed to make an Elvis mullet both attractive and sensible. It always had just enough movement for rocking out with The Rippers, and also managed to keep its shape when he took off his motorcycle helmet. Even when he changed up his style, his hair had wings that made most birds jealous. All hail Uncle Jesse.
Here’s hoping they hire the same hair stylists for the spinoff, if that ever comes to light. Now head to the next page to vote on your favorite.
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