The new ratings are in, and I am completely stunned. Less than six million people tuned in to watch last week’s episode of ‘Pirate Master!’ To put that in perspective, I’m pretty sure more people payed to watch Screech’s homemade porno (or illegally downloaded it...like people I know who aren’t me). So what the hell is the problem here?
In a nutshell, ‘Pirate Master’ is one of the worst programs I have ever seen. Sure, I may have watched every single minute of every single episode, but only because it’s so God-awful that it’s entertaining by accident. It’s like an Ed Wood film or a breathing contest with Terri Schiavo. Apparently, the rest of America doesn’t enjoy guffawing at misfortune as much as I do.
I’m really worried that CBS may cancel this train wreck before it airs all of the episodes; so, in an attempt to save my guilty pleasure, I’m going to provide you with five reasons to tune in and watch. So without further ado, here we go....
1) One of the contestants is a part-time exotic dancer and part-time scientist. I don’t really know what the hell that occupation entails; however, it probably involves wearing a man-thong in front of Einstein’s granddaughter.
2) Boobs fall out every ten seconds! I’m not even kidding. A few of the random girls are rarely shown without blocked-out cleavage. I know the program is censored, but if your imagination is half as vivid as mine, you’ll do just fine.
3) Louie! This guy is like a modern day Paul Bunyon. He looks like Rupert from ‘Survivor’ and shouts about mutiny more than officers on the USS Caine.
4) Azmyth’s accent! This douche gets elected the captain, and all of the sudden, he starts talking like Prince Charles. Add that to the fact that he divides the bounty evenly, and he comes off like an effeminate Karl Marx. I can’t wait to drunkenly celebrate after he gets cut adrift.
5) Absurd backstories! This show comes up with worse fake history lessons than ‘Legends Of The Hidden Temple.’ This season’s ridiculous tale has something to do with Captain Henry Steele and his buried treasure. I can almost picture the interns and temps laughing their asses off as they came up with this douzy.
Seriously, just tune in and watch. It would make me happy, and you’ll be a much better person for it. Besides, it’s not like you were going to attend church or help Jonas Salk cure Polio.
For more ratings info, check out Variety.
